Smart Condom Tracks Your Velocity and Positions then Judges You

[vellavu]

This wearable is like a Fitbit for your man bits

The i.Con Smart Condom, which markets itself as the "world's first smart condom," is actually a ring that fits over a boring, dumb condom and claims to track the exercise of your man bits, as well as detect chlamydia and syphilis.

The ring, first announced last July, is currently available for preorder on British Condoms for £59.99 (about $74, AU$97) with an unknown release date. But you can't actually put a ring on it yet -- the company says it won't take your money until the product has a firm release.

In short, the i.Con ring promises to answer every burning question you've ever had about your sex session. Don't worry, it will pair with an app for all your data visualization needs.

According to the preorder page, the ring will answer questions such as:

What's my thrust velocity?
How fast are my thrusts?
How many calories did that sesh just burn?
How many times did I just have sex?
What's the average skin temperature of my... eggplant?
What's my girth?
How many different positions did I just conquer?

Plus, it aims to answer that age-old question: How do I stack up at sex to everyone else around the world? Because sure, let's gamify sex. What could go wrong?

 

[Skanky Vamp]

That is AWESOME! $75 I'd buy it.

 

[Last Watcher]

the company says it won't take your money until the product has a firm release.

Because of course there's nothing like a firm release.......😉

What are they going to call it....The Stiffbit?

 

[DeadlyDuo]

Men would think twice about getting this "ring" if they've ever heard of the term "Degloving Injury."

 

[thetopher]

It would be perfect if the app came with a snarking, judgmental voice with which to inform the 'sex gods' of their actual performance.

Such as; 'Okay, 'quick-draw' so you wanna know how you rate? Your girl was faking it, that's for damn sure.'
Or: 'According to my data your penis ranking is designated 'quaint'.
Or how about 'Huh, 6 sexual positions in 15 minutes? You definitely watch too much porn.'

Sure to burst an ego or two.

 

[white avenger]

So..where do you put the batteries?

 

[Ethan Reigns]

"Unknown release date" says enough. In the electronics business, this is known as "vapourware" - somebody floats a specification of a part they are considering designing and publishes it in order to gauge whether there is enough interest to actually start designing the item. It knows what positions you use? How does it do that? It has an accelerometer, a thermistor (temperature sensor) and girth measurement but it would also need the processing power and some way of getting a readout.

Other than that, this is narcissism taken to what is hopefully the limit.