SoS: Xander's Red Flags

[nightshade]

Every relationship in the Buffyverse seems to be full of red flags, for one or both partners. What were Xander's and did the ones in his relationship with Cordelia carry through to his relationship with Anya?

 

[AlphaFoxtrot]

They are teenagers. The only red flags are physically abusive, STDs and talks way too much about condoms feeling unnatural.

 

[Stake fodder]

The one that comes to mind is that Xander sometimes was snarky about Cordelia's personality quirks (being rich and popular), and he did the same with Anya (being greedy and naive). Of course, they gave as good as they got in many cases, but this is about Xander's red flags, so I'm counting it.

 

[Killjoy]

Xander has ONE major flaw in relationships.....as much as he denies it and as much as he says, "he's over it" Xander was still madly in love with Buffy. The way he LOVED to interfere in all her relationships with his 'advice'. The only reason he tolerated Riley was for two reasons. One he had be harping on Buffy about her dating former evil vampires and now she was dating a human, so he had to be quiet. Two he was hoping now that she was dating a human, HE might be the next human she dated.

 

[KaitKat]

Xander self sabotages his romantic relationships because he hasn’t worked through his trauma of growing up in an abusive home. He’s also a little naive to believe that Cordelia and Anya will easily forgive him for cheating/leaving at the alter and can be prone to anger as a result. I do think Xander is remarkably well adjusted for what he’s been through/his age but he does have some things to work on.

 

[CardboardGhost]

Finding his red flags in regards to romantic relationships is difficult because I would say that most of them are his flaws as a person in general. He can be dismissive and entitled at times, but that's not at all something reserved for how he talks to his girlfriends. One of the worst things he does to Anya specifically, in my opinion, is the slut-shaming speech after she's caught making out with Spike, but it wouldn't be fair to act like slut-shaming is something only Xander does (Willow is actually also pretty bad about this; she once referred to Faith as a "cleavage-y slut bomb"). I just think it's notable here because he was only saying it because he wants to get back together and is angry that he is denied that, which is pretty toxic. His relationship with Cordelia is a mess from start to finish because he never really seemed to like her as a person, but he was doing a decent job of putting in effort to work on that when he wasn't cheating on her, so I suppose he should get credit for that.

Overall Xander's long-term relationships tend to be more stable than everyone else's. The biggest flaws with how he treats his girlfriends are often just continuations of the cultural misogyny that he expresses the entire time, as do all of the characters at various points because of the culture the show was made in. He is nowhere near being the most toxic partner on BtVS.

 

[NotASlayer]

Xander has ONE major flaw in relationships.....as much as he denies it and as much as he says, "he's over it" Xander was still madly in love with Buffy. The way he LOVED to interfere in all her relationships with his 'advice'. The only reason he tolerated Riley was for two reasons. One he had be harping on Buffy about her dating former evil vampires and now she was dating a human, so he had to be quiet. Two he was hoping now that she was dating a human, HE might be the next human she dated.

I don't see this at all. There is nothing to back up the idea that Xander is still "madly in love" with Buffy. His last mention of anything like that was in B, B & B. His last comment was about finding her attractive was in The Freshman. Those are, I think, the only post-S1 mentions of it. Xander's objection to Buffy's dating vampires was pretty much limited to Angel, who he considered to be a danger to them all - and as he pointed out, probably with a bit too much glee, he was right about that. He was oddly accepting of Spike as an idea; if anything, that might be down to a personal attraction to Spike (Intervention) - there's a reason why Spike/Xander is such a popular fanfic combination.

As for hoping he might be the next human after Riley, there is nothing to back that up. He encouraged Buffy to get back with Riley, which she tried to do. That's a bizarre way to get rid of the competition. Nor did he make any effort at all to get back with Buffy after that. Even in S7, when he and Buffy were both single and essentially acting like a married couple, sans sex (which, yes, might make it more like a married couple 😀) and Dawn's parents, neither showed any interest in each other except as friends.