The Deconstruction of Spike,The Badass - a Scientific Study conducted by St.Salieri - head of Chapel of Patron Saint of Mediocrities
So, Spike the badass? Pft..nah
If you've been in fandom long enough, you've heard someone (usually an Old Skool fan who thinks that everything after S5 - or S3, for the really hardcore - doesn't count) say that, "Oh, I used to like Spike, back when he was a total badass and they hadn't ruined his character by making him fall in love with Buffy."
I am here to question that proposition.
I am not proposing that later!Spike was, indeed, a badass. Rather, I am proposing that early!Spike is not quite the badass he's been made out to be.
In order to explore this question, I am making a Highly Scientific study of Early Seasons Spike - specifically, everything up to Out of My Mind, which is probably the most obvious turning point in the Spike-is-obsessed-with-Buffy story.
I am awarding each episode a number from 0 - 2 points on the Official Badass Meter, corresponding to the following values:
0 points - A total lack of badassness, or a lack of badassness so extreme that it cancels out any positive qualities.
1 point - Some badassness, but a corresponding amount of patheticness as well.
2 points - Total and complete badass.
As you can see, this is indeed Highly Scientific. And it's a sign that I have too much time on my hands.
1. School Hard: Our first introduction to Badass Spike. He kills the Anointed One! He has that whole "What happens on Saturday/I kill you," conversation with Buffy! He attacks the school a day early because he's just that cool and not-caring! He has the Slayer on the ropes...
...and then he gets chased off by Joyce with an axe - one of the least scary characters on the show. That right there is enough to drop the entire score.
Official Badass Meter: 1 point
2. Halloween: Well, he slunk off into the shadows at the end rather than fight to the death, but I can't fault him for that. It wouldn't do to have such an awesome character killed off in his second episode. At least he was beaten by Buffy this time. And he loves Drusilla eyeballs to entrails. It's borderline, but I suppose that's sufficient.
OBM: 2 points
3. Lie to Me: Wow, he's genuinely creepy and menacing! Sure, he has that whole "Don't hurt my girlfriend!" moment, which is more endearing than badass, but it's made up for by the genuine evilness he exudes in this episode. He's all about the slaughter, and that is awesome.
OBM: 2 points
4. What's My Line, Part One: The rushing to Drusilla's side every time she pouts and whines is getting a little annoying. And threatening Dalton, of all people, is a bit low on the Badass Scale. It's impossible to think of a less threatening vampire than that guy. Plus, bringing in bounty hunters? What a douche move. Afraid of getting your hands dirty, Spikey?
On the good side...uh, he's not involved in any ice skating montages?
OBM: 0 points
5. What's My Line, Part Two: Now we're getting somewhere! Capturing and torturing Angel, making out with Drusilla in front of him, and fighting two Slayers at once!
On the other hand, he once again leaves Crappy Shot Police Lady to deal with Buffy, and the episode ends with him being carried out like a baby by Dru. Hmmm. I'm afraid I have to assign a penalty there.
OBM: 1 point
6. Surprise: Ladies and gentlemen, he may be beaten, but he's not broken. Despite the scarring and the wheelchair, he's in prime form with the trademark snarkiness. Even though he doesn't do much, that's enough to give him full points.
OBM: 2 points
7. Innocence: Pros: the snarkiness is still there. Cons: he establishes himself firmly as beta to Angelus's alpha. That's going to hurt.
OBM: 1 point
8. Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered: Totally cuckolded by Drusilla, and on Valentine's Day no less. Jewelry vs. human heart? No question.
OBM: 0 points
9. Passion: He's being fed a puppy by Dru and stepped all over by Angelus in his own home. On the other hand, he's not giving Pretentious Voiceovers of Great Pretentiousness. On the third hand...yeah, getting totally dominated by Angelus wins out over everything else.
OBM: 0 points
10. I Only Have Eyes for You: He's still getting pushed around by Angelus and made a fool of by Dru. But then we have that standing-up-and-kicking-the-wheelchair-over moment at the end! Still, it's sort of too little, too late. We need ass-kicking, not wheelchair-kicking. Partial credit awarded.
OBM: 1 point
11. Becoming, Part One: He's still playing it close to the chest, but at least the attitude is back. Plus, we've got "It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big," and mocking Angelus with "Someone wasn't worthy." That's worthy of full points.
OBM: 2 points
12. Becoming, Part Two: And he's back! The man with the plan - the plan that for once does NOT manage to suck - comes back with a vengeance. He wants to save all the little happy meals with legs! He and Buffy fight a vamp together like they've been doing it for years! He whales on Angelus with a tire iron and then goes roaring out of town in triumph!
People, the Badass is back, and he deserves extra credit.
OBM: 3 points
13. Lovers Walk: He does some kidnapping and snarking, but he's also Pathetic Drunk Guy who whines about the girl who done him wrong. Mixed points here.
OBM: 1 point
14. The Harsh Light of Day: Fairly menacing with the other vamps, and he manages to have an awesome knock-down, drag-out fight with Buffy for the first time in forever (even though he somehow managed to grow a few inches and gain about thirty pounds during the fight. Huh.).
On the other hand, he totally pulls a pathetic "Run away! Run away!" move when he sees Buffy at the frat party. Also, Harmony. Enough said.
OBM: 1 point
15. Wild at Heart: He menaces Buffy from a distance (oooh, really scary!) and is then captured by a bunch of army goons. If I could give negative points, I would.
OBM: 0 points
16. The Initiative: He manages to escape from the Initiative - twice! - in a pretty kick-ass style, which is major points. And he tries to kill Willow. I can't really penalize him for not succeeding, given the circumstances. And he's shown using a computer. Go Spike with the major life skills!
Also, this may mark one of the last times when he was genuinely scary.
OBM: 2 points
17. Pangs: Gets kicked out of his own crypt by Harmony, of all people, and then throws himself on the mercy of his sworn enemies so he can get a little nosh. Nothing badass there. Funny, but not badass.
OBM: 0 points
18. Something Blue: Although he's tied up in a bathtub, he manages enough attitude to order Giles around in his own house. And even when he's under Willow's spell, he clearly doesn't care about anyone else other than himself and Buffy. (Plus, the mad chemistry.) As badass as he can be, under the circumstances.
OBM: 2 points
19. Hush: He manages a two-fingered salute, but that's about the coolest thing he does in the episode. The rest of the time he's being tied to Xander's chair and being beaten up by the guy over a freaking misunderstanding. By Xander! Negative badass points awarded.
OBM: 0 points
20. Doomed: The nadir of Spike's patheticness. He lives in a leaky basement, shrinks his own clothes, and has to wear one of Xander's Hawaiian shirts. Then he tries to stake himself out of disgust for how far he has fallen, which is just about right. Even though he regains his ass-kicking in the end, he still manages to screw up by throwing one of the demons into the Hellmouth. Oops.
Still, his sheer joy at being able to fight again is worth quite a lot.
OBM: 1 point
21. A New Man: He steals Xander's radio, bribes Giles (thus starting a habit of helping out in return for cold, hard cash) and crashes Giles's car. This episode is full of the badass.
OBM: 2 points
22. The I in Team: Things start off so promising when Spike takes Giles's money and rudely asserts that he's done with the lot of them. Of course, he needs to go running right back to them to get them to take the Initiative's homing beacon out of his back. Drunken Shirtless Spike is pretty, but not entirely badass.
OBM: 1 point
23. Goodbye Iowa: He pretends to be Xanderrrr's friend and is beaten up by a bunch of demons. His reputation is in tatters. Zero points awarded.
OBM: 0 points
24. This Year's Girl: "Tell you what I'll do, then. Head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you." He's barely in this episode, but what little is there is chock full of badass.
OBM: 2 points
25. Who Are You?: He's completely whipped by Faith-as-Buffy. The way he reacts when she turns away from him shows how quickly his badassness vanishes when a pretty girl is around. And leaving him speechless at the end? Badass Spike would at least have had a clever retort.
OBM: 0 points
26. Superstar: It's not quite fair to judge an AU version of the guy. Still, who ever said life was fair? In his favor, he's a snarky jackass to Buffy and Jonathan. Once Buffy gets her stones back, however, he gives up his information to her pretty quickly.
OBM: 1 point
27. Where the Wild Things Are: He's reduced to scaring people into giving them their money. Fairly understandable, and I won't hold his handicap against him. In fact, it might be considered pretty badass, under the circumstances. But then he ruins it by getting all mopey over Dru and his pathetic unlife again. Things look up when he crashes the frat party, and further up again when he refuses to have anything to do with rescuing Buffy and Riley. His bout of mopiness isn't enough to overcome the badassness.
OBM: 2 points
28. New Moon Rising: He hooks up with Adam, but only when he can't beat the guy up. And he's pretty successful at getting Buffy et al. to trust him to find a way into the Initiative. Which, frankly, makes Buffy et al. look like morons. On the con side, he dresses as an evil olive. Still, it's a nice change from the black.
OBM: 2 points
29. The Yoko Factor: He's fantastic at playing the Scoobies against each other, preying on their weaknesses. On the other hand, he's clearly got a hard-on for Adam. Spike is such a follower.
OBM: 1 point
30. Primeval: The massive flaw in his perfect little plan means that he's found out, and almost has his ass kicked by Adam. And in the end, he ends up switching sides back to the Scoobies out of sheer self-preservation. I believe there is some groveling. He looks cool fighting the hordes of demons in the end, but it's not enough to make up for what comes before it.
OBM: 0 points
31. Restless: He's a drama queen who has hired himself out as an attraction. Alternately, he's a tweed-wearing Future Watcher on a swingset. Neither screams badass.
OBM: 0 points
32. Buffy vs. Dracula: He plays off his history with Drac like the cool badass he is, tormenting Riley a bit along the way, but then he totally backs down when Riley confronts him. Eh.
OBM: 1 point
33. Real Me: He mocks Harmony and her obsession with killing the Slayer and looks like a total badass doing it, all full of swagger and fightiness.
OBM: 2 points
34. The Replacement: He's reduced to stealing furniture from the city dump and beating up a mannequin in a blonde wig. Oh, Spike.
OBM: 0 points
And there you have it. The next episode is Out of My Mind. A total of 34 episodes, for a possible maximum score of 68. And the grand total is...
...drum roll...
...36/68, for a failing grade of a 53%. D'oh!
"Aha!" the Old Skool fan might say. "But that's counting the chip! Spike was a true badass before he got the chip!" Well, let's consider just the first fifteen episodes, up through Wild At Heart. That gives us a score of...
...17/30, for a grade of 57%. A little better, but still failing.
Awww, poor Spike! No badass for you! Science Sez So!
Now, don't get me wrong. I love me some Spike, no question. But all of this business about how he was once a total badass, and the chip/Buffy/whatever made him lose his mojo? A lot of nonsense. It has been proven scientifically.
By Science.
The End.
So, Spike the badass? Pft..nah
B
BillyidolwannaB
This deserves karma. I love it.
Tranquillity
very funny :)
