ILLYRIAN
Druish Pervonian Wizard
THE TAP 3704 words
Buffy wanted the bathroom to be completely renovated, but she needed that Giles knew that it needed to be done. She planned several situations to ensure she got what she wanted. Unknown to her, Giles realised what was happening, he thought what she was doing was great but he didn't tell her.
This story tells of the situations that combined to ensure Buffy got her way. With Giles and Xander working together, the theory that too many cooks spoil the broth worked a treat.
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
Sat at the table in the kitchen, Buffy looked to Giles. "Are you going to do it today?" He looked puzzled, not knowing what she meant.
"Do what?" he asked
"I is nothing special, but you did say you would do it today," stated Buffy.
Trying to think what it was. "I don't remember what it was."
"Oh Giles! I remember you saying that you would fix it today," said Buffy.
"I did? Oh, what?"
"The tap, you promised me that you'd fix that dripping tap today."
Looking at the kitchen sink, but not seeing the tap dripping. "I did? Okay. Umm, remind me, what room is it in? It is in a room isn't it," he looked to the garden, "It isn't out there is it?"
"Giles! It is a bathroom tap, the hot tap of the sink."
"Oh. Right. Then I will, er, go and do it now," he said.
Buffy cleared the table. Casually looking to Giles as he left the room. "Are you going to do it by yourself? It is just that last time you looked at it, you did say you"˜d need Xander's help. Because he is the Mr. Fix it guy."
"Oh, umm ok, if that is what you think is best, I'll give him a call after you have made me a pot of tea. I"˜ll be on the sun deck."
"Outside, a few minutes later, Giles took a mouthful of his tea, standing up, he started
to walk away, he stopped, turning towards Buffy.
"I'll just go and phone Xander now."
Five minutes later Xander arrived at Buffy's house, he had brought Willow with him.
"Buff," stated Willow, "Good to see you," in her exuberance she almost hugged Giles, "Oh, er, Mr. Giles," said Willow trying to hide her embarrassment.
Xander smiled to each of them. "Giles, Buffy."
"How has your day been?" asked Buffy.
"Not so bad, not as good as yours though, I mean, getting Giles to fix the tap. Big news that," replied Willow.
"Well, is has been dripping for a while now."
Taking that as a hint. "Do excuse us, Xander and I will be getting on with it," he motioned too Xander to follow him. They both went into the house.
"Let's have the goss? How did you do it?" asked Willow.
Buffy leant forward a bit, looking towards the back door.
"What is that?"
Willow leant forward as well. "Are they still there?"
Buffy smiled, relaxing back in her chair. "I think we should be alright. There is a lot riding on that tap."
Willow looked to Buffy. "There is? What? I don't understand, you only said about getting it fixed yesterday."
"And I did, but only I know that, and you know. They don't, I told him it has been dripping for a few months. I had a hell of a game making it drip, I even had to put an old washer in it. When I did put it back together I put some really heavy duty glue on the threads so that it couldn't be undone."
Willow started to laugh. Suddenly, from inside the house Giles shouted, "Oh bugger me!"
"Ha ha, are you for it now?" "Shhh, Xander keep quiet, or Buffy will hear you."
Buffy and Willow laughed.
"What do you think they have done?" asked Willow.
"Oh bloody hell," shouted Giles.
A few seconds later Xander quickly walked from the house, as he was passing them.
"Alright girls? Are you okay?" He went to Giles' Citroen. Returning with a hammer and a hacksaw. Buffy grinned to Willow, whispering to her, singing "˜We know what you're doing." Willow tried not to laugh.
"He wouldn't would he? Hitting the tap with the hammer? Or cut it of with the saw?"
"I hope so," replied Buffy, "Cutting the tap off? Boy are they going to have problems. Just below us is the mains tap for the water supply, neither of them has turned it off yet, bet they don't know where it is."
Willow looked at the tap. "I'd best tell them where it is."
Buffy reaches to touch Willow's arm. "No Willow, don't do that."
"But all that water, at pressure, it'll ruin the paint," stated Willow.
"Hmm, shame about that. I suppose the whole bathroom will need to be redecorated.
Darn it! And guess who it'll be left to, to buy the paint?" Buffy smiled again.
They both watched Xander as he walked out to the shed. He walked back carrying the ladders.
"That's got me, why do they need the ladders?" asked Buffy.
Willow suggested they go and see what the ladder was for.
"What? And risk telling them what they are doing it wrong? Not a good idea," said Buffy.
They both look into the house as the sound of the hammer hitting something metallic echoed.
"Yaay! I've done it at last, I've loosened it. The flaming tap is moving. I've nearly got it off," exclaimed Xander.
"No, not yet. I still need to turn the mains off," shouted Giles.
Buffy and Willow heard the sound of a jet of gushing water.
"Oops!" exclaimed Xander.
"All that water in such a small room and the mains still hasn't been turned off." Buffy looked happily at Willow, "Darn it."
Giles and Xander suddenly ran from the house. "Where is the ruddy mains tap?"
Buffy moved her chair to the edge of the sun deck. "This'll be fun. I don"˜t think they know where it is."
Giles ran towards Buffy. "Xander, over here, I'm sure it is over here," called Giles.
He pointed towards the sun deck. "Under there, it is under there."
"Giles? Did you know it is rude to point?" asked Buffy.
"It is? Oh yes, I forgot, sorry, "Xander, it is under the sun deck."
"Where, I don't know where to look."
"For gods sake Xander, look, under here," exclaimed Giles.
Giles pointed where to look.
"It's rude to point," stated Willow.
"Just shut up you ruddy pillock!" Suddenly Giles realised who he was talking to. He faced her. "Willow, I am so very sorry."
Xander crawled under the sundeck, he tried to turn off the mains. "It won't turn it off!"
"What? Get some WD40, that'll free it off. It'll be in my toolbox, in the car," said Giles.
Xander ran to Giles' Citroen, looking through his toolbox. "It isn't in here!"
"Leave it," said Giles, "Just get in the car, let's go and get a new tap quickly."
They both got into Giles' car, Xander shouts to them from the car. "We are just off to the local hardware shop, we won't be long."
"That is what they think, I know for a fact that they will be gone a long time," said Buffy. "Why, what have you done?" asked Willow.
"I don't know what you mean? So, they think they will be going to the local hardware shop to get a tap," Buffy put her hand to her forehead in a dramatic pose, "Oh no, I forgot that they are doing stock taking, all day."
Willow looked to Buffy, she saw that Buffy wasn't disappointed. "Okay, what is it?"
"It's the stocktaking day at the shop. They'll have to go to the home renovation centre, where oddly enough some taps that I bought last week are boxed up and ready to go. It won"˜t take them too long."
"It wouldn't if he was in a decent car, but they are in an old Citroen, and Mr. Slowmo is driving, it'll take ages. That is mean Buffy." Willow grinned to Buffy.
Having parked the car outside the local shop, Giles and Xander ran to the shop door. Seeing the sign on the door.
"Closed all day for stock taking?" asked Xander, "What do they mean, closed all day?
Where else can we go?"
"The Home Renovation Centre will be open," said Giles.
They quickly got back into the car and drove off. "At least with it being a hypermarket sized place it is likely to have a good selection," said Giles.
Approaching a set of traffic lights Giles noticed the flashing emergency lights of three police cars behind them, getting closer, fast. The three police cars sped passed them, lights on and sirens blaring. A police SWAT team van was following, but it had to slow as the traffic lights had just turned to red. It slowed down alongside them. Giles could hear the swat team inside the van.
"Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut."
Looking at the van, Giles could see and hear what was being said. In the front the Swat team captain was sitting next to the driver.
"Hey, you in the back, what is going on?" asked the driver
"We are in America you know," was the reply.
"But are you American's?" asked the driver.
Chewing gum, loudly. "Oh yes sir as we say sir."
Then they replied sounding like Elvis Presley. "Oh yes sir, as we say sir. Hut, hut, hut."
"Well you are not American"˜s," said the driver.
Quietly they all replied. "Bollocks."
"You must be from England," stated the Driver.
"Righty ho, old chap, I say lovely weather for this time of year, eh what?"
"Oh yes, I'll say. Spot of cricket anyone? What?"
"Oh, jolly good idea, old thing."
"No, no, no, you are all Australians!" shouted the driver.
"Oh Ripper Bruce."
"BONZA MATE!"
"Aussie, Aussie, Aussie."
"OI! OI! OI!"
Everyone in the van began singing. "Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda, you'll come a waltzing the Sheila with me."
"Yeah, ripper mate!"
"Onya Bruce."
"Bonza."
"Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing ....."
"I wish they knew something else," said the driver.
Having finally got to the Home Renovation Centre, and after parking the car, Giles and Xander went into the place. Seeing two store representatives approach them.
"Good mornings sirs, if you tell us what it is that you want, I'm we sure that we can direct you," said Grace a store representative.
"Thanks, which way do we go for the taps?" asked Giles.
"This way sir," said Nigel the other representative, "If you turn the right and go to the fourth aisle, down to the end of that aisle and turn left. Then at the second aisle turn right."
The other store representative was drawing a diagram in the air of the directions. Xander watched her. "Just a minute, I'll get a pen and paper for you." Returning with the pen and paper. "Here you are."
"Right then," stated Nigel, "Now, you've just turned right, go to the end of that aisle then turn left. Go to the main aisle, turn right and go right to the end where you will see the taps."
"Thank you, but those directions are a bit too complicated," said Giles.
"They are? You think so?" asked Nigel, "Fair enough. The aisle behind me is
the main aisle, so just go to the end."
The other store representative looked behind them. "I thought so."
"Yeah, thanks. Very helpful was that," stated Xander.
"It was?" asked Nigel, "Well, if you need to find the toilets, don't hesitate, just come and ask me."
"No, don't do that. The toilets are on the end wall, where the taps are," said Grace.
Nigel laughed a bit. "You might not believe, this but the boss here, she reckons that my
directions are not always helpful."
Giles looked shocked.
"Oh right! So that's it!" exclaimed Xander, "I always thought that the bride being late for her wedding, she was just exercising her prerogative. But it was the driver is trying to follow your ruddy directions."
Following the main aisle they walked into the department. Giles looked at all the fittings.
"Now where?" he said, "A sales assistant would be helpful."
As they stood looking about, a sales assistant approached them.
"Can I help either of you?" he asked.
"I hope so, I want a tap for the bathroom sink. Hmm, better make that two taps," said Giles.
"Probably four, don't forget the shower," added Xander.
"Yes, good thinking," said Giles.
"Certainly sirs, we have some nice ones near here, if you will both follow me."
"Can we get some of those modern looking golden ones?" asked Giles.
The sales assistant pointed to where two girls were standing.
"Oh, ok, I'd never have thought to go there," said Xander looking at Giles.
"Well that is where the golden coloured taps are."
Going into the section. "Are the taps you want like these?" asked the sales assistant.
Giles pointed to some other taps. "Like those over there!"
"Pointing again?" asked Xander innocently.
Giles looked to Xander, then the sales assistant. He went to the taps. "Yes I like these ones."
"Sorry! I was miles away, which ones?" asked the sales assistant.
"Those ones," said Giles.
Davy and the sales assistant looked at the taps, then at the girls.
"The taps," stated Giles.
Going to stand by the taps.
"Are these the ones?" asked Xander.
"Yes these will look good," said Giles.
The girls, dressed like they had come straight from an aerobics moved a bit closer.
Touching some other taps. "I thought that Buffy said she wanted these ones," said Felicity whispering to Hazel.
"She does."
"Then you should say or do something to get them to look this way."
Hazel leant to the tap, smiling to Xander. "Oh I wish we had a bath, I really miss having a nice long soak in some hot water," said Hazel.
"And can you believe it? She insists on us saving water," added Felicity.
"Really, how?" asked the sales assistant.
"My friend, Hazel, she says we should have a shower together."
The sales assistant, Xander and Giles looked "˜wide eyed' at the taps.
"But a bath? I'd love to have a bath with taps like these ones," continued Felicity.
She winked to them.
"These taps, I'll take some of them, with me," said Giles.
The sales assistant looked at the girls and smiled to them, turning to face Giles he remarked that they were a good choice.
"He meant the taps," said Giles.
"Taps? Oh, the taps? Right, yes, the taps! Yes, okay," muttered Xander.
Making a note of the model and make of the taps he went to the departments sales counter.
"It looks like he is buying the right taps now, Hazel," said Felicity..
"Good, Buffy will be pleased. Do you think we should wave to them as we leave?" asked Hazel.
"Sure, why not? After all they did pick the right taps," agreed Felicity, "I'll bet ten bucks they walk into a wall when we do."
As Felicity and Hazel walked out of the department they waved and blew kisses to Giles, Xander and the sales assistant. Looking at the girls and not where they were going they all walked straight into a wall.
The girls laughed as they left.
At his counter the sales assistant put the taps under the counter. Looking to Xander and Giles to see when they were looking away, he put the prepared box on the top, ready for them.
"That will be eighty four dollars please."
"How much? I thought there was a special on taps at the moment," said Xander.
"There is, but I didn't say who the special price is for, did I? And how else am I going to afford my holiday in Malta?"
On the way back Xander looks at the box. "That sales assistant, he was a bit quick
putting this box together."
"There is a reason for that," said Giles.
"There is? What?" asked Xander.
"The box was already made."
"It was? How did he know which taps you'd want?"
"Like everything else, Buffy had it all organised."
Xander put box on the floor of the car, by his seat.
"One of the things you need to know, Buffy wanted those taps. She has made plans for the bathroom, I saw a bit of the plan once," said Giles, "What did you think of when I put my hand on the pipe to try stop the jet of water."
"That jet of water, it sprayed all over the walls," said Xander..
"No, the jet of water didn't, it was only after I put my hand over the pipe that water went everywhere," said Giles.
"You sprayed the wall on purpose?"
"Yes, the water should have ruined the paintwork," stated Giles.
"You meant to direct the water through the whole room?"
"Chances are that Buffy had got it all planned out," said Giles, "Right down to us putting the taps in when we get back. It'd be nice to know what she is going to do."
"You don't sound to surprised, did she do anything else?" asked Xander.
"Yes, I wouldn't be surprised, I saw this coming last week," clever girl, "Before you and Willow came here today, she tried to make me think I'd promised to do this today. I'm not sure how she arranged for the shop to be closed, never mind."
"There's more to you than meets the eye. So, what else was there?" asked Xander.
"In the Home Renovation place, did you notice about those two girls, they were standing where the taps were."
"Buffy planned for them to be there?" asked Xander
"Yes, you do know who they are, don't you?"
"No, I've never seen them before," said Xander.
"Well, should you ever go to the gym that Buffy goes to, both of those girls work there.
"Why would Buffy want them to be in the shop?" asked Xander.
"To make sure that we went to where those girls were standing, where the taps were," said Giles.
"What if we didn't see them?" asked Xander.
"The sales assistant, the box was already made for us."
Xander looks at Giles then picked up the box with the taps in. "So all bases were covered, we were bound to get the right taps."
Giles steered his car into Buffy's driveway. They walked into the house, putting the box on the kitchen table.
"Oh good, you are both back ok. If it is alright with you we'll go and get some fish for a BBQ this evening?" said Buffy.
"Sure, I can't see any problems with that," said Xander.
As Buffy and Willow went to the car.
"That explains that," said Giles.
Willow parked the car in front of the fishmongers shop. As they walked into the shop. Willow noticed the sign above the door, F. The Fishmonger. Waiting at the counter to be served.
"I'm a bit curious about the sign above the door, what does the F stand for?"
"I would tell you, but mum would not like it if I was to tell you the F word," he replied.
"Why not? What could be wrong with saying the F word (pause) right."
Buffy tried not to smile. "Do many people ask you that," she continued.
"A few," he said. "So, what does it stand for?"
"Freddy. Now, what can I do for you young ladies?"
"A couple of good sized fish please," asked Willow.
"I won't be a minute." Returning he said. "I thought that there would be some back there. I could have a look in the chest freezer, being as how you are both so pretty."
Buffy smiled to him. "Hmm, flirt. So, what fish have you got?"
"I'll need to ask my kin, sorry, that is the word I normally say instead of sister, she was out this morning catching them," he said.
"She did? It wasn't any trouble for her," said Willow.
"Not really, Nell likes going out in the early mornings."
"Oh, okay. Well if she doesn't mind, as long as it isn't to far for kin Nell to go," said Willow.
Immediately Buffy turned away.
"Oh no, now that was bad," facing the fishmonger, "Have you been practising that one?" asked Buffy.
"A few times, I must admit it was never that easy when I thought about it," he said.
"What was all that about?" asked Willow. tell you later Will." Buffy looked to the fishmonger.
"Just as well your sister didn't catch the fish in the canal that is far away."
"Pardon, I don't get that. Is that meant to be funny?"
"Oh sorry, do you need more time to think about it?" asked Buffy.
"There doesn't appear to be anything funny about a far canal," said the fishmonger.
"BUFFY!" exclaimed Willow.
"What?" The fishmonger silently repeated what he'd said, "Oh right, yes, farcanal, hmm," he laughed, "I like that one. I might try that one out. I know a few people that would appreciate that."
He went to the chest freezer, looking into it. He takes out two fish. "As a thank you for that one, here's two very nice Rainbow Trout, you can have them."
"Thank you," said Buffy.
On the way home, Buffy took two invoices from her handbag.
"What are they for Buffy?"
"On the way back, is it alright if we stop at the Home Renovation Centre, I'd like to get an idea of what carpet they have?" asked Buffy, "I might get some paint while I'm there."
"Oh good, I would like to know who the tap sales assistant is," said Willow, "Now I'll get to see who he is."
"Why do you want to see him?" asked Buffy.
"I just want to see who helped you."
"Sorry," said Buffy, "I thought you knew him. One of Dawns friends from school, he is her father. The mother gives me a lift to the aerobics class, the one that Felicity and Hazel work at."
THE END
Buffy wanted the bathroom to be completely renovated, but she needed that Giles knew that it needed to be done. She planned several situations to ensure she got what she wanted. Unknown to her, Giles realised what was happening, he thought what she was doing was great but he didn't tell her.
This story tells of the situations that combined to ensure Buffy got her way. With Giles and Xander working together, the theory that too many cooks spoil the broth worked a treat.
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
Sat at the table in the kitchen, Buffy looked to Giles. "Are you going to do it today?" He looked puzzled, not knowing what she meant.
"Do what?" he asked
"I is nothing special, but you did say you would do it today," stated Buffy.
Trying to think what it was. "I don't remember what it was."
"Oh Giles! I remember you saying that you would fix it today," said Buffy.
"I did? Oh, what?"
"The tap, you promised me that you'd fix that dripping tap today."
Looking at the kitchen sink, but not seeing the tap dripping. "I did? Okay. Umm, remind me, what room is it in? It is in a room isn't it," he looked to the garden, "It isn't out there is it?"
"Giles! It is a bathroom tap, the hot tap of the sink."
"Oh. Right. Then I will, er, go and do it now," he said.
Buffy cleared the table. Casually looking to Giles as he left the room. "Are you going to do it by yourself? It is just that last time you looked at it, you did say you"˜d need Xander's help. Because he is the Mr. Fix it guy."
"Oh, umm ok, if that is what you think is best, I'll give him a call after you have made me a pot of tea. I"˜ll be on the sun deck."
"Outside, a few minutes later, Giles took a mouthful of his tea, standing up, he started
to walk away, he stopped, turning towards Buffy.
"I'll just go and phone Xander now."
Five minutes later Xander arrived at Buffy's house, he had brought Willow with him.
"Buff," stated Willow, "Good to see you," in her exuberance she almost hugged Giles, "Oh, er, Mr. Giles," said Willow trying to hide her embarrassment.
Xander smiled to each of them. "Giles, Buffy."
"How has your day been?" asked Buffy.
"Not so bad, not as good as yours though, I mean, getting Giles to fix the tap. Big news that," replied Willow.
"Well, is has been dripping for a while now."
Taking that as a hint. "Do excuse us, Xander and I will be getting on with it," he motioned too Xander to follow him. They both went into the house.
"Let's have the goss? How did you do it?" asked Willow.
Buffy leant forward a bit, looking towards the back door.
"What is that?"
Willow leant forward as well. "Are they still there?"
Buffy smiled, relaxing back in her chair. "I think we should be alright. There is a lot riding on that tap."
Willow looked to Buffy. "There is? What? I don't understand, you only said about getting it fixed yesterday."
"And I did, but only I know that, and you know. They don't, I told him it has been dripping for a few months. I had a hell of a game making it drip, I even had to put an old washer in it. When I did put it back together I put some really heavy duty glue on the threads so that it couldn't be undone."
Willow started to laugh. Suddenly, from inside the house Giles shouted, "Oh bugger me!"
"Ha ha, are you for it now?" "Shhh, Xander keep quiet, or Buffy will hear you."
Buffy and Willow laughed.
"What do you think they have done?" asked Willow.
"Oh bloody hell," shouted Giles.
A few seconds later Xander quickly walked from the house, as he was passing them.
"Alright girls? Are you okay?" He went to Giles' Citroen. Returning with a hammer and a hacksaw. Buffy grinned to Willow, whispering to her, singing "˜We know what you're doing." Willow tried not to laugh.
"He wouldn't would he? Hitting the tap with the hammer? Or cut it of with the saw?"
"I hope so," replied Buffy, "Cutting the tap off? Boy are they going to have problems. Just below us is the mains tap for the water supply, neither of them has turned it off yet, bet they don't know where it is."
Willow looked at the tap. "I'd best tell them where it is."
Buffy reaches to touch Willow's arm. "No Willow, don't do that."
"But all that water, at pressure, it'll ruin the paint," stated Willow.
"Hmm, shame about that. I suppose the whole bathroom will need to be redecorated.
Darn it! And guess who it'll be left to, to buy the paint?" Buffy smiled again.
They both watched Xander as he walked out to the shed. He walked back carrying the ladders.
"That's got me, why do they need the ladders?" asked Buffy.
Willow suggested they go and see what the ladder was for.
"What? And risk telling them what they are doing it wrong? Not a good idea," said Buffy.
They both look into the house as the sound of the hammer hitting something metallic echoed.
"Yaay! I've done it at last, I've loosened it. The flaming tap is moving. I've nearly got it off," exclaimed Xander.
"No, not yet. I still need to turn the mains off," shouted Giles.
Buffy and Willow heard the sound of a jet of gushing water.
"Oops!" exclaimed Xander.
"All that water in such a small room and the mains still hasn't been turned off." Buffy looked happily at Willow, "Darn it."
Giles and Xander suddenly ran from the house. "Where is the ruddy mains tap?"
Buffy moved her chair to the edge of the sun deck. "This'll be fun. I don"˜t think they know where it is."
Giles ran towards Buffy. "Xander, over here, I'm sure it is over here," called Giles.
He pointed towards the sun deck. "Under there, it is under there."
"Giles? Did you know it is rude to point?" asked Buffy.
"It is? Oh yes, I forgot, sorry, "Xander, it is under the sun deck."
"Where, I don't know where to look."
"For gods sake Xander, look, under here," exclaimed Giles.
Giles pointed where to look.
"It's rude to point," stated Willow.
"Just shut up you ruddy pillock!" Suddenly Giles realised who he was talking to. He faced her. "Willow, I am so very sorry."
Xander crawled under the sundeck, he tried to turn off the mains. "It won't turn it off!"
"What? Get some WD40, that'll free it off. It'll be in my toolbox, in the car," said Giles.
Xander ran to Giles' Citroen, looking through his toolbox. "It isn't in here!"
"Leave it," said Giles, "Just get in the car, let's go and get a new tap quickly."
They both got into Giles' car, Xander shouts to them from the car. "We are just off to the local hardware shop, we won't be long."
"That is what they think, I know for a fact that they will be gone a long time," said Buffy. "Why, what have you done?" asked Willow.
"I don't know what you mean? So, they think they will be going to the local hardware shop to get a tap," Buffy put her hand to her forehead in a dramatic pose, "Oh no, I forgot that they are doing stock taking, all day."
Willow looked to Buffy, she saw that Buffy wasn't disappointed. "Okay, what is it?"
"It's the stocktaking day at the shop. They'll have to go to the home renovation centre, where oddly enough some taps that I bought last week are boxed up and ready to go. It won"˜t take them too long."
"It wouldn't if he was in a decent car, but they are in an old Citroen, and Mr. Slowmo is driving, it'll take ages. That is mean Buffy." Willow grinned to Buffy.
Having parked the car outside the local shop, Giles and Xander ran to the shop door. Seeing the sign on the door.
"Closed all day for stock taking?" asked Xander, "What do they mean, closed all day?
Where else can we go?"
"The Home Renovation Centre will be open," said Giles.
They quickly got back into the car and drove off. "At least with it being a hypermarket sized place it is likely to have a good selection," said Giles.
Approaching a set of traffic lights Giles noticed the flashing emergency lights of three police cars behind them, getting closer, fast. The three police cars sped passed them, lights on and sirens blaring. A police SWAT team van was following, but it had to slow as the traffic lights had just turned to red. It slowed down alongside them. Giles could hear the swat team inside the van.
"Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut."
Looking at the van, Giles could see and hear what was being said. In the front the Swat team captain was sitting next to the driver.
"Hey, you in the back, what is going on?" asked the driver
"We are in America you know," was the reply.
"But are you American's?" asked the driver.
Chewing gum, loudly. "Oh yes sir as we say sir."
Then they replied sounding like Elvis Presley. "Oh yes sir, as we say sir. Hut, hut, hut."
"Well you are not American"˜s," said the driver.
Quietly they all replied. "Bollocks."
"You must be from England," stated the Driver.
"Righty ho, old chap, I say lovely weather for this time of year, eh what?"
"Oh yes, I'll say. Spot of cricket anyone? What?"
"Oh, jolly good idea, old thing."
"No, no, no, you are all Australians!" shouted the driver.
"Oh Ripper Bruce."
"BONZA MATE!"
"Aussie, Aussie, Aussie."
"OI! OI! OI!"
Everyone in the van began singing. "Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda, you'll come a waltzing the Sheila with me."
"Yeah, ripper mate!"
"Onya Bruce."
"Bonza."
"Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing ....."
"I wish they knew something else," said the driver.
Having finally got to the Home Renovation Centre, and after parking the car, Giles and Xander went into the place. Seeing two store representatives approach them.
"Good mornings sirs, if you tell us what it is that you want, I'm we sure that we can direct you," said Grace a store representative.
"Thanks, which way do we go for the taps?" asked Giles.
"This way sir," said Nigel the other representative, "If you turn the right and go to the fourth aisle, down to the end of that aisle and turn left. Then at the second aisle turn right."
The other store representative was drawing a diagram in the air of the directions. Xander watched her. "Just a minute, I'll get a pen and paper for you." Returning with the pen and paper. "Here you are."
"Right then," stated Nigel, "Now, you've just turned right, go to the end of that aisle then turn left. Go to the main aisle, turn right and go right to the end where you will see the taps."
"Thank you, but those directions are a bit too complicated," said Giles.
"They are? You think so?" asked Nigel, "Fair enough. The aisle behind me is
the main aisle, so just go to the end."
The other store representative looked behind them. "I thought so."
"Yeah, thanks. Very helpful was that," stated Xander.
"It was?" asked Nigel, "Well, if you need to find the toilets, don't hesitate, just come and ask me."
"No, don't do that. The toilets are on the end wall, where the taps are," said Grace.
Nigel laughed a bit. "You might not believe, this but the boss here, she reckons that my
directions are not always helpful."
Giles looked shocked.
"Oh right! So that's it!" exclaimed Xander, "I always thought that the bride being late for her wedding, she was just exercising her prerogative. But it was the driver is trying to follow your ruddy directions."
Following the main aisle they walked into the department. Giles looked at all the fittings.
"Now where?" he said, "A sales assistant would be helpful."
As they stood looking about, a sales assistant approached them.
"Can I help either of you?" he asked.
"I hope so, I want a tap for the bathroom sink. Hmm, better make that two taps," said Giles.
"Probably four, don't forget the shower," added Xander.
"Yes, good thinking," said Giles.
"Certainly sirs, we have some nice ones near here, if you will both follow me."
"Can we get some of those modern looking golden ones?" asked Giles.
The sales assistant pointed to where two girls were standing.
"Oh, ok, I'd never have thought to go there," said Xander looking at Giles.
"Well that is where the golden coloured taps are."
Going into the section. "Are the taps you want like these?" asked the sales assistant.
Giles pointed to some other taps. "Like those over there!"
"Pointing again?" asked Xander innocently.
Giles looked to Xander, then the sales assistant. He went to the taps. "Yes I like these ones."
"Sorry! I was miles away, which ones?" asked the sales assistant.
"Those ones," said Giles.
Davy and the sales assistant looked at the taps, then at the girls.
"The taps," stated Giles.
Going to stand by the taps.
"Are these the ones?" asked Xander.
"Yes these will look good," said Giles.
The girls, dressed like they had come straight from an aerobics moved a bit closer.
Touching some other taps. "I thought that Buffy said she wanted these ones," said Felicity whispering to Hazel.
"She does."
"Then you should say or do something to get them to look this way."
Hazel leant to the tap, smiling to Xander. "Oh I wish we had a bath, I really miss having a nice long soak in some hot water," said Hazel.
"And can you believe it? She insists on us saving water," added Felicity.
"Really, how?" asked the sales assistant.
"My friend, Hazel, she says we should have a shower together."
The sales assistant, Xander and Giles looked "˜wide eyed' at the taps.
"But a bath? I'd love to have a bath with taps like these ones," continued Felicity.
She winked to them.
"These taps, I'll take some of them, with me," said Giles.
The sales assistant looked at the girls and smiled to them, turning to face Giles he remarked that they were a good choice.
"He meant the taps," said Giles.
"Taps? Oh, the taps? Right, yes, the taps! Yes, okay," muttered Xander.
Making a note of the model and make of the taps he went to the departments sales counter.
"It looks like he is buying the right taps now, Hazel," said Felicity..
"Good, Buffy will be pleased. Do you think we should wave to them as we leave?" asked Hazel.
"Sure, why not? After all they did pick the right taps," agreed Felicity, "I'll bet ten bucks they walk into a wall when we do."
As Felicity and Hazel walked out of the department they waved and blew kisses to Giles, Xander and the sales assistant. Looking at the girls and not where they were going they all walked straight into a wall.
The girls laughed as they left.
At his counter the sales assistant put the taps under the counter. Looking to Xander and Giles to see when they were looking away, he put the prepared box on the top, ready for them.
"That will be eighty four dollars please."
"How much? I thought there was a special on taps at the moment," said Xander.
"There is, but I didn't say who the special price is for, did I? And how else am I going to afford my holiday in Malta?"
On the way back Xander looks at the box. "That sales assistant, he was a bit quick
putting this box together."
"There is a reason for that," said Giles.
"There is? What?" asked Xander.
"The box was already made."
"It was? How did he know which taps you'd want?"
"Like everything else, Buffy had it all organised."
Xander put box on the floor of the car, by his seat.
"One of the things you need to know, Buffy wanted those taps. She has made plans for the bathroom, I saw a bit of the plan once," said Giles, "What did you think of when I put my hand on the pipe to try stop the jet of water."
"That jet of water, it sprayed all over the walls," said Xander..
"No, the jet of water didn't, it was only after I put my hand over the pipe that water went everywhere," said Giles.
"You sprayed the wall on purpose?"
"Yes, the water should have ruined the paintwork," stated Giles.
"You meant to direct the water through the whole room?"
"Chances are that Buffy had got it all planned out," said Giles, "Right down to us putting the taps in when we get back. It'd be nice to know what she is going to do."
"You don't sound to surprised, did she do anything else?" asked Xander.
"Yes, I wouldn't be surprised, I saw this coming last week," clever girl, "Before you and Willow came here today, she tried to make me think I'd promised to do this today. I'm not sure how she arranged for the shop to be closed, never mind."
"There's more to you than meets the eye. So, what else was there?" asked Xander.
"In the Home Renovation place, did you notice about those two girls, they were standing where the taps were."
"Buffy planned for them to be there?" asked Xander
"Yes, you do know who they are, don't you?"
"No, I've never seen them before," said Xander.
"Well, should you ever go to the gym that Buffy goes to, both of those girls work there.
"Why would Buffy want them to be in the shop?" asked Xander.
"To make sure that we went to where those girls were standing, where the taps were," said Giles.
"What if we didn't see them?" asked Xander.
"The sales assistant, the box was already made for us."
Xander looks at Giles then picked up the box with the taps in. "So all bases were covered, we were bound to get the right taps."
Giles steered his car into Buffy's driveway. They walked into the house, putting the box on the kitchen table.
"Oh good, you are both back ok. If it is alright with you we'll go and get some fish for a BBQ this evening?" said Buffy.
"Sure, I can't see any problems with that," said Xander.
As Buffy and Willow went to the car.
"That explains that," said Giles.
Willow parked the car in front of the fishmongers shop. As they walked into the shop. Willow noticed the sign above the door, F. The Fishmonger. Waiting at the counter to be served.
"I'm a bit curious about the sign above the door, what does the F stand for?"
"I would tell you, but mum would not like it if I was to tell you the F word," he replied.
"Why not? What could be wrong with saying the F word (pause) right."
Buffy tried not to smile. "Do many people ask you that," she continued.
"A few," he said. "So, what does it stand for?"
"Freddy. Now, what can I do for you young ladies?"
"A couple of good sized fish please," asked Willow.
"I won't be a minute." Returning he said. "I thought that there would be some back there. I could have a look in the chest freezer, being as how you are both so pretty."
Buffy smiled to him. "Hmm, flirt. So, what fish have you got?"
"I'll need to ask my kin, sorry, that is the word I normally say instead of sister, she was out this morning catching them," he said.
"She did? It wasn't any trouble for her," said Willow.
"Not really, Nell likes going out in the early mornings."
"Oh, okay. Well if she doesn't mind, as long as it isn't to far for kin Nell to go," said Willow.
Immediately Buffy turned away.
"Oh no, now that was bad," facing the fishmonger, "Have you been practising that one?" asked Buffy.
"A few times, I must admit it was never that easy when I thought about it," he said.
"What was all that about?" asked Willow. tell you later Will." Buffy looked to the fishmonger.
"Just as well your sister didn't catch the fish in the canal that is far away."
"Pardon, I don't get that. Is that meant to be funny?"
"Oh sorry, do you need more time to think about it?" asked Buffy.
"There doesn't appear to be anything funny about a far canal," said the fishmonger.
"BUFFY!" exclaimed Willow.
"What?" The fishmonger silently repeated what he'd said, "Oh right, yes, farcanal, hmm," he laughed, "I like that one. I might try that one out. I know a few people that would appreciate that."
He went to the chest freezer, looking into it. He takes out two fish. "As a thank you for that one, here's two very nice Rainbow Trout, you can have them."
"Thank you," said Buffy.
On the way home, Buffy took two invoices from her handbag.
"What are they for Buffy?"
"On the way back, is it alright if we stop at the Home Renovation Centre, I'd like to get an idea of what carpet they have?" asked Buffy, "I might get some paint while I'm there."
"Oh good, I would like to know who the tap sales assistant is," said Willow, "Now I'll get to see who he is."
"Why do you want to see him?" asked Buffy.
"I just want to see who helped you."
"Sorry," said Buffy, "I thought you knew him. One of Dawns friends from school, he is her father. The mother gives me a lift to the aerobics class, the one that Felicity and Hazel work at."
THE END