The things we do for love

[bespangeled]

Angel said he fell in love with Buffy the moment he saw her - and after he began to work with her, he did everything he could to help her. He protected her, fought next to her, changed because he loved her.

So why is the fact that Angel changed for love not selfish - but the fact that Spike changed for love selfish? Different personalities - different situations - but the same motivation. Is that motivation a selfish one?

 

[Snyder]

Angel said he fell in love with Buffy the moment he saw her - and after he began to work with her, he did everything he could to help her. He protected her, fought next to her, changed because he loved her.

Did he really though?
I mean until season 3 I can see no real evidence of that love. Yeah, he said so but he also said that he had never killed since the curse, so his words are hardly reliable. I'm a new fan so I've watched the show only lately and it's still fresh in my mind and it strikes me how this general belief that Angel loved Buffy in season 1 is contradicted by his actions on the show. He doesn't really help Buffy and he doesn't seem to care that she can be killed by the Master, he is basically forced to join Xander in his rescue, so I see his s1 falling in love with Buffy more a retcon than else

So why is the fact that Angel changed for love not selfish - but the fact that Spike changed for love selfish? Different personalities - different situations - but the same motivation. Is that motivation a selfish one?

Can't personally compare because against all general belief I don't really think Angel changed for love, but whatever the reason - love, to feel better, to make something out of oneself, to find a purpose - motivation are mostly always selfish imo

 

[bespangeled]

But what do we have except motivations? We chose - we change - and since there are choices then there reasons behind what choices we make. I would agree that the choices we make spring from our own desires. The most altruistic choices come from the fact that being altruistic is a source of satisfaction. We all have an agenda - is it the simple fact of having one that makes us selfish in your view?

I don't recall my original response to Bangel - I do know that I found Angel attractive, and DB a bad actor. It seemed at first that he was helping her to fulfill a personal agenda - but when she didn't kill him in Angel, when she accepted and believed in him, she became unique. The relationship grew and changed, but Angel wanted to keep that sense of being accepted, and he wanted to keep Buffy safe.

It's back to the question of whether all motivations are selfish - and is love a better or worse motivation than most of the others? How important is taking action to achieve what you are motivated to achieve - vs intent?

 

[Snyder]

But what do we have except motivations? We chose - we change - and since there are choices then there reasons behind what choices we make. I would agree that the choices we make spring from our own desires. The most altruistic choices come from the fact that being altruistic is a source of satisfaction. We all have an agenda - is it the simple fact of having one that makes us selfish in your view?

In mine, depends on both the agenda and the outcome. Speaking of real life, we can't really know what the agenda is so we have to consider more the outcome. Or not... because for example I value more those who voluntee to help those in need than rich people giving money to charity, even if the oucome in the second case is better. Speaking of the show and Angel and Spike, I think their motivation can both be viewed as selfish (or both selfless), but I value more Spike's change because he feels the need to change even without a soul (and also because in making this change he risks his life) and he sticks with it. While Angel needs 100 years (and a girl) to consider the possibility of using his powers to do something good and even when he does he often wavers

It's back to the question of whether all motivations are selfish - and is love a better or worse motivation than most of the others? How important is taking action to achieve what you are motivated to achieve - vs intent?

Depends on what the other motivation are but yeah, I'd say love is always a good motivation. And actions are more important than intent (and words) but I believe that if the intent is not good enough, sooner or later it will show through actions

 

[Taake]

Well, I don't believe Angel did love her from the start, but felt empathy for her. He was already good at that point, he just wasn't doing good actively after a few failed attempts (seen on Angel in flashbacks), so I don't feel that he did change that much for Buffy or due to his love for her. He started to help, and then he fell in love (and like most of us, once we are in love he got all mushy, saw her through rose-tinted glasses and thought he'd always loved her because she represented something so new in his life), but it didn't greatly change him.

Once Angel left he had changed somewhat, sure, enough not to live in sewers anymore, but he was still resistant to company. He was basically sewer-guy with a shower. Most of his change comes from Wes, Cordy and Doyle taking his solitude away from him, not Buffy.

As for Spike, for me the idea that Spike changed for love is something I just don't see, though obviously I'm in the minority there. Pre-soul I don't believe he loves, I don't believe he can love as a demon. I think he has a strong desire to possess, but that's a wholly different motivation. So that's why I think it's selfish. Because him wanting to be with Buffy, or trying to change to be with Buffy, has nothing to do with love or Buffy herself, but his desire to satisfy his own needs.

 

[Buffy Summers]

I don't feel that Angel changed for Buffy. I feel he was already changed/changing when he met her. He already had a soul and guilt. Having said that, if you take the view that he did fall instantly in love with Buffy and became a "good" man for her, the difference with what happened with Spike is that Angel didn't try to force Buffy to love him and genuinely wanted to help avert apocalypses. His entire reason for doing "good" wasn't just to get Buffy. I don't think he would have even belived it was possible. That's why I think Spike acts selfishly - it's about him getting what he wants, not about wanting to genuinely help.

 

[Skanky Vamp]

it's about him getting what he wants

And more often than not, no matter the price.

 

[thetopher]

Angel changed because of Whistler just as much as Buffy. Whistler gave Angel a mission, a focus- to help the slayer- (also there was the whole I'm a demon and I'm not that bad' thing).
There was no love involved, love grew from the situation between the both of them. I don't see evidence of love in S1 for example, just empathy and attraction.
Retroactively Angel said 'yeah, I loved you when I first saw you' and I think he believes that, but it doesn't make it true.

Spike changed because he wanted to get back with Buffy after the AR. He returned to Sunnydale in S7 for precisely this purpose- 'to be what she deserves'. so what he did was more focused on their 'relationship' and wanting it to continue in one form or another. He would benefits a lot from that so it is more selfish.
His actions in S7 show how selfish.

Plus Angel loves Buffy but leaves her alone, Spike is always around her for whatever reason. Seems more selfish to me.

 

[HowiMetdaSlayer]

Thought that this might be a Game of Thrones thread for a second. 😉

 

[Dolores]

'Sewer guy with a shower' - love that.

If the roles were swapped in I Will Remember You, would Spike have given up his humanity and his chance to be with Buffy to save the world and prolong her life somewhat? I don't think so personally.

 

[RomanticSoul]

Speaking of the show and Angel and Spike, I think their motivation can both be viewed as selfish (or both selfless), but I value more Spike's change because he feels the need to change even without a soul (and also because in making this change he risks his life) and he sticks with it.

And I put no stock in Spike's changes pre-soul because they weren't of his own free will. He had a behavior conditioning chip in his head that forced him to adept, he didn't change because HE wanted to.

Yeah, he said so but he also said that he had never killed since the curse, so his words are hardly reliable.

I take S1 BtVS Angel at his word. I don't care for retcons on his story on another show years later that were only done in the service of Angel&Darla 4ever.

Spike changed because he wanted to get back with Buffy after the AR. He returned to Sunnydale in S7 for precisely this purpose- 'to be what she deserves'. so what he did was more focused on their 'relationship' and wanting it to continue in one form or another. He would benefits a lot from that so it is more selfish.
His actions in S7 show how selfish.

IMO just the fact that he shows up on the doorstep of the girl he first abused and then attempted to rape is enough proof for me that he only cares about himself. Anyone with a soul who cares at least a smidgen about the person they did that to might stop to think that they have done enough damage and leave them alone.

Angel wandered aimlessly for decades and Whistler offered him a rope. A mission. He got himself in shape for that. Of course he felt empathy for Buffy and wanted to help lessen her burden. But I don't think loving Buffy or Buffy's love changed him all that much. I think it was more that she and the Scoobies restored his faith in humanity. And then he left Buffy because she deserved more, among other things.

 

[Snyder]

It looks like there is a general consensus in saying that Angel didn't love Buffy in season 1 and that his motivation to change and start doing something good has nothing to do with loving Buffy, so it looks like the question made by bespangeled can't be really answered.
But there is also a general consensus in saying that in s1 Angel felt empathy for Buffy, that he was already good and that he wanted to help... and I'm honestly confused. So please help me understand.
What do you exactly mean with empathy? Which Angel's actions in season 1 express this empathy? If he felt empathy shouldn't he have cared about Buffy, tried to help and save her? And how do you get the belief that Angel was already good and already felt guilt before meeting Buffy? What does he do in those 100 years he was souled to lead you to this opinion? Because from what I know he first tried to go back with Darla and then he wasted 100 years doing nothing good. I don't see any real evidence of guilt. Or he would have acted on that guilt, right? because that's the next step one should take when he feels guilty about something imo. Try to do something good, to repent, like Faith did for example. Seems to me that Angel did nothing, he just sulked on the unfairness of the soul so I really don't understand how he showed his guilt and his being good

Spike changed because he wanted to get back with Buffy after the AR. He returned to Sunnydale in S7 for precisely this purpose- 'to be what she deserves'. so what he did was more focused on their 'relationship' and wanting it to continue in one form or another. He would benefits a lot from that so it is more selfish.
His actions in S7 show how selfish.

Plus Angel loves Buffy but leaves her alone, Spike is always around her for whatever reason. Seems more selfish to me.

There is no evidence that Spike returned to Sunnydale for that purpose. He never sought Buffy out, he was staying in the school basement and it was Buffy who casually found him. After that he goes to her and to the rest of the scoobies and offers his help. Btw he does it openly, not stalking her in the night, and despite the risk of being staked (by her or someone else of the scoobies). He never asks anything in return and never tries to restore their physical relationship, not even when they sleep together in the same bed. And he ends burning in the Hellmouth to save Buffy and the rest of the world.

Plus souled Spike is been around Buffy only for a few months on the show and about the same in the comics. Hardly always and in any case a lot less than Angel did

If the roles were swapped in I Will Remember You, would Spike have given up his humanity and his chance to be with Buffy to save the world and prolong her life somewhat? I don't think so personally.

He gave up his life for those same reasons, giving up his humanity would be a trifle for him. IF it was needed, which in that case it really wasn't imo

 

[bespangeled]

Well, I don't believe Angel did love her from the start, but felt empathy for her. He was already good at that point, he just wasn't doing good actively after a few failed attempts (seen on Angel in flashbacks), so I don't feel that he did change that much for Buffy or due to his love for her. He started to help, and then he fell in love (and like most of us, once we are in love he got all mushy, saw her through rose-tinted glasses and thought he'd always loved her because she represented something so new in his life), but it didn't greatly change him.

After he couldn't get back with Darla, he stopped feeding off humans but he drank human blood all the way through to 2nd season Buffy.

In flashbacks he attempted to help one person, once. He knew that person and all the others were under the influence of a paranoia demon - but when they were paranoid and hanged him, he told the demon to kill them all. That's the only point that I recall that he tried to help someone and it resulted in an ugly mass murder. That was during his brooding phase - which seemed to have lasted for several decades.

He seemed to veer from one mood to another - he also had a manic phase - spending time in Vegas with the Rat Pack and Bugsy Segal. Getting close enough to Sammy Davis that Davis took personal advice from him at least twice. Crashing Elvis's wedding, and meeting with mob bosses. In the 70's. he was looking groovy, and in the 20's he had enough disposable cash for an extremely nice suit, which he wore to rescue a puppy.

I see Angel as desperately trying to fill a hole inside himself, but unable to do so. But I don't see any indication that he even cared about humans in general, or bonded with any human. Even Judy, who he tried to help, who he knew was under the influence of a demon, he left to be devoured by that demon.

It was Buffy who showed him that he could fill that hole by helping others - however I never saw any indication that he went out and helped others on his own. Mostly he was with Buffy, or helping her in some way. He helped the others much like Spike helped them the summer Buffy was dead - but only because of Buffy. It wasn't until he left her that his helping others really blossomed. So - while Buffy did love him even before he loved her - I don't see where he was less selfish by the standard given for a souled vampire. He even resisted breaking up in season three, when Buffy told him that she knew she could never have what she wanted from him.

Angel changed because of Whistler just as much as Buffy. Whistler gave Angel a mission, a focus- to help the slayer- (also there was the whole I'm a demon and I'm not that bad' thing).

I completely agree - Whistler built him up with some tough love - and brought him to the point that he could care.

Spike changed because he wanted to get back with Buffy after the AR. He returned to Sunnydale in S7 for precisely this purpose- 'to be what she deserves'. so what he did was more focused on their 'relationship' and wanting it to continue in one form or another. He would benefits a lot from that so it is more selfish.
His actions in S7 show how selfish.

Plus Angel loves Buffy but leaves her alone, Spike is always around her for whatever reason. Seems more selfish to me.

Yes, he did want the relationship to continue when he went off to get his soul - that's my point. I can't really think of a better proof of love to be the only demon who ever fought for a soul. Once he had the soul, he realized this could never be.

In season 7, he spent about 1/4 of the episodes in the school basement - but he did what he could to help Buffy. He specifically told her, the one time he left the basement, that he did not expect to get back together with her, and he never tried to. Buffy was completely in charge, and he tried to be what she deserved - a strong ally. He offered to leave, he begged her to stake him on more than one occasion , and he fought beside her.

Spike is always around her because he lives in her basement! Angel had his own apartment. But it's Buffy who calls on him to help her - killing demons, training slayers, doing recon. The one thing he does is he never questions her - he is there for Buffy. Angel was much the same - he was there for Buffy. Yes, Angel's personality is less abrasive when he is souled - but if we count in the unsouled period he was far more destructive. There is no way Angelus would adapt to being chipped, nor would he spend a summer keeping Dawn alive and fighting demons. Not good - not bad - just different vamps.

And, as far as leaving her alone goes - once Spike burned alive and came back he never contacted Buffy.

If the roles were swapped in I Will Remember You, would Spike have given up his humanity and his chance to be with Buffy to save the world and prolong her life somewhat? I don't think so personally.

Of course he would - he has no desire to be human, so not much sacrifice there. But he did burn alive to save her from dying as well as to save the world. And he also realized he and Buffy had no future, and he didn't try to get in touch - even in TGIQ he said he said she didn't love him but he was still her friend.

There is no evidence that Spike returned to Sunnydale for that purpose. He never sought Buffy out, he was staying in the school basement and it was Buffy who casually found him. After that he goes to her and to the rest of the scoobies and offers his help. Btw he does it openly, not stalking her in the night, and despite the risk of being staked (by her or someone else of the scoobies). He never asks anything in return and never tries to restore their physical relationship, not even when they sleep together in the same bed. And he ends burning in the Hellmouth to save Buffy and the rest of the world.

This - you said it well. I still don't see where souled Spike is more selfish than souled Angel. They are very different in personality, and Angel/Angelus is definitely a split personality. Spike's demon and soul are more integrated, probably because his soul wasn't an unexpected curse that his demon tried to fight. Spike loved Buffy in a demonic and possessive way before he got his soul - but he also didn't want to see her hurt, to hurt her himself, so he went and got his soul to protect her by being a better man. If love is a matter of taking action, then that is love.

 

[Monkey Pants]

I don't think Angel changing when he met Buffy was selfish, because it didn't have anything to do with wanting to be with her or impress her--more he was inspired by her, and realized that he could be a hero too. I think he felt empathy with her isolation as a Slayer, and wished to help and protect her. He wasn't trying to tap that yet 😉.
Whereas Spike's reason for getting a soul was entirely about Buffy--he wanted to get back with her and be forgiven, he didn't care about being a hero or a good person. It became unselfish afterwards though, because he did fight as a hero, and didn't expect anything from Buffy. He didn't have a soul when he chose to get a soul, so his selfishness can be forgiven😉, and ultimately it led to another hero being added to the good fight. I don't think that Spike or Angel behaved selfishly while they had a soul.

 

[bespangeled]

I don't think Angel changing when he met Buffy was selfish, because it didn't have anything to do with wanting to be with her or impress her--more he was inspired by her, and realized that he could be a hero too. I think he felt empathy with her isolation as a Slayer, and wished to help and protect her. He wasn't trying to tap that yet 😉.

I completely agree. But what you are saying was that in the beginning it was all about Buffy. She was the inspiration for both vampires - she taught them how to care, and how to atone. I don't see Angel as any more selfish than souled Spike - but I don't see him as any less. Later on he did tap that - turned into a monster - and he still wants to be with her.

Cut to Angel's mansion. He sits in the atrium waiting for Buffy to come
visit. When he hears her footsteps he turns to see her step through the
makeshift door and stop just inside the atrium.

Angel: Hey. (stands up) I was wondering when you were coming.

Buffy: I'm not coming back.

Angel just looks at her.

Buffy: We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I
can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. (shakes her head) Or
Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't
need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.

Angel: I don't accept that.

Buffy: You have to.

Angel: How can...

He takes a step toward her, and she backs away.

Angel: There's gotta be some way we can still see each other.

Buffy: There is: tell me that you don't love me.

Yes, it sounds unselfish - but in the next (non-au) episode he's begging her to let him die - laying it all on her to save him instead of leaving and dying. The one after that, he is giving her a book of romantic poetry, and then they're sparring 3 episodes later. Sparring in the sense that it almost gets groiny. He stays to help Buffy, and he's a lot more physically intimate than is safe, even though he knows the cost. What he did to her friends should have gotten him on a bus to LA long before they broke up in the sewer. He loves her, and he can't give her up even though he knows it's the best thing for her. I think that's a big part of his guilt in Amends. But that isn't unselfish love.

Whereas Spike's reason for getting a soul was entirely about Buffy--he wanted to get back with her and be forgiven, he didn't care about being a hero or a good person. It became unselfish afterwards though, because he did fight as a hero, and didn't expect anything from Buffy. He didn't have a soul when he chose to get a soul, so his selfishness can be forgiven😉, and ultimately it led to another hero being added to the good fight. I don't think that Spike or Angel behaved selfishly while they had a soul.

In what way is it selfish to seek a soul for love? Isn't love supposed to be the best inspiration for unselfish deeds - and getting a soul is pretty unselfish. Yes, his love before he got the soul was imperfect, demonic, obsessive - but he believed Buffy needed a better man, and he believed he loved her enough to do this. Once he had the soul he never tried to be with her - he knew he was beneath her - but he stayed on as long as she wanted him to, and did whatever she asked of him.

Angel didn't care about being a hero or a good person until he got together with Buffy, and he did it for her love. to begin with He left her because he loved her. Spike died because he loved her, and she had taught him how to be a better man. She believed in both of them, and because of that they both learned to believe in themselves.

 

[thetopher]

There is no evidence that Spike returned to Sunnydale for that purpose.

The fact that Spike returned to Sunnydale is surely enough. It's the one place that Spike knows that Buffy would be. He travelled from Africa to get there so why wouldn't it be for Buffy?

He never sought Buffy out

No, because he went crazy because of the First. But when he sees her again he snaps of out it to go visit her.
And lets not pretend that hiding in the school was some sort of accident. Spike could've slunk off to a crypt or abandoned warehouse but no, he choses the new high school to hide in.

After that he goes to her and to the rest of the scoobies and offers his help.

Sure, he wants to be back with Buffy and the best way to do that is to offer to help her. Nothing more to it.

Btw he does it openly, not stalking her in the night, and despite the risk of being staked (by her or someone else of the scoobies).

I think Spike knew that Buffy wouldn't stake him, and even if she tried he could always fall back on the 'I've got a soul now' thing, but it came up a different way.

He never asks anything in return and never tries to restore their physical relationship

I never said physical relationship, but he wanted things from her- forgiveness, a reckoning, credit for what he did? 'You used me!/I got a soul for you!/I love you!'- seems to me that Spike wants lots of things from Buffy, and he gets them.

Plus souled Spike is been around Buffy only for a few months on the show and about the same in the comics.

He 'arrives' in the nick of time in S8- he does exactly what he said he'd do in Angel S5- turn up when Buffy really needed him with some vital info (obviously her screwing Twilight!Angel was a bit of a shock to him and took the shine of their reunion).
So he arrives in his ship with some vital plot stuff he's figured out all those weeks before and starts flirting with Buffy from the off.
Then he pretty much stalks her for months in S9 and then 'returns' to her in S10 proclaimed that he's over her and yet isn't. He won't leave her alone.
 

IMO just the fact that he shows up on the doorstep of the girl he first abused and then attempted to rape is enough proof for me that he only cares about himself. Anyone with a soul who cares at least a smidgen about the person they did that to might stop to think that they have done enough damage and leave them alone.

This. Exactly.
He should never have darkened Buffy's door again. And even if he did he should've offered a grovelling apology and then never reference his feeling for Buffy or even their past relationship.
Then I would've maybe bought that Spike wanted nothing from her and his motivations weren't ultimately selfish.

That's what the last episode is all about- the 'ILY/NYD' scene at the end- Spike doing something for himself, not for Buffy.

 

[bespangeled]

And I put no stock in Spike's changes pre-soul because they weren't of his own free will. He had a behavior conditioning chip in his head that forced him to adept, he didn't change because HE wanted to.

You do realize that adapting and changing are the same things? And unsouled demons don't change - unless they are adapting because of a chip.

IMO just the fact that he shows up on the doorstep of the girl he first abused and then attempted to rape is enough proof for me that he only cares about himself. Anyone with a soul who cares at least a smidgen about the person they did that to might stop to think that they have done enough damage and leave them alone.

So, Angel was selfish to stay in Sunnydale after abusing Buffy, and murdering her friends. By that metric - as soon as she told Angel she wanted him to stay away he should have left town. Instead he plied her with guilt and romantic poetry, and she was back getting physical a few episodes later. How does that show Angel caring?

He's not more selfish than Spike, but no less.

 

[RomanticSoul]

You do realize that adapting and changing are the same things? And unsouled demons don't change - unless they are adapting because of a chip.

The point is that being forced to change and adept is not the same as chosing to change. That's why I never count Spike in the debates about which characters change or evolve the most. For change to count there has to be choice. Spike didn't chose to change (like Faith or Wesley), he was forced to because of the chip. No free will in that.

So, Angel was selfish to stay in Sunnydale after abusing Buffy, and murdering her friends. By that metric - as soon as she told Angel she wanted him to stay away he should have left town. Instead he plied her with guilt and romantic poetry, and she was back getting physical a few episodes later. How does that show Angel caring?

He's not more selfish than Spike, but no less.

Angel didn't seek Buffy out. That's the difference. He didn't ask her to take care of him either. And he did stay away from both Buffy and the Scoobies. Him and the Scoobies are never together in S3 unless it's to stop some evil. We only see Angel at Buffy's house twice during the whole Season from what I remember and that's during Enemies and Amends and in the latter he asks her to stay away because he's going crazy. I didn't see Angel ever asking anything of Buffy during S3 and I definitely didn't see him guilt tripping her about anything.

 

[bespangeled]

The point is that being forced to change and adept is not the same as chosing to change. That's why I never count Spike in the debates about which characters change or evolve the most. For change to count there has to be choice. Spike didn't chose to change (like Faith or Wesley), he was forced to because of the chip. No free will in that.

Angelus adapted to having a soul - he had no choice in that. He was forced to change. Buffy adapted to being called as a slayer - no choice there. Giles adapted to being stuck as a watcher because of his family.

Adapting requires free will and choices. Spike had a lot of other options - he could have just left with Dru, and let her kill his food. He chose to stay. The chip didn't force him to endure Glory's torture and not tell her that Dawn was the key. The chip didn't force him to stay in Sunnydale after Buffy died.

Angel didn't seek Buffy out. That's the difference. He didn't ask her to take care of him either. And he did stay away from both Buffy and the Scoobies. Him and the Scoobies are never together in S3 unless it's to stop some evil. We only see Angel at Buffy's house twice during the whole Season from what I remember and that's during Enemies and Amends and in the latter he asks her to stay away because he's going crazy. I didn't see Angel ever asking anything of Buffy during S3 and I definitely didn't see him guilt tripping her about anything.

Spike lived in Buffy's basement - since he lived there, well, he was there all the time. That was Buffy's choice - just like it was her choice not to stake him, and not to let him leave when he wanted to. He didn't ask her to take care of him - he did help take care of her and the others. I have no idea what guilt tripping you are talking about - except for the fact that he came back with a soul, and with no intention of getting back together as a couple.

Again - once Buffy told Angel she wasn't open to seeing him any more. By the metric you gave for Spike, Angel should have left for LA rather than buy poetry for her - that's a nice romantic gift for someone who shows no sign of liking poetry ever. He spent the entire next episode making Buffy take care of him while he was under the influence of the First, threatening to kill himself if she didn't stop him. Can we talk guilt trip here?!

 

[RomanticSoul]

Angelus adapted to having a soul - he had no choice in that. He was forced to change. Buffy adapted to being called as a slayer - no choice there. Giles adapted to being stuck as a watcher because of his family.

LOL, what? Angelus didn't adept to having a soul. He was imprisioned by it. It didn't change him in the slightest as we are shown every single time the soul is gone. The only thing that changed was the soul. That's the mythology of the whole damn verse. Vampires can't change because they lack the the tool to do so (soul). If vampires could just change then Buffy is a mass murderer. And so is every slayer before her.

Adapting requires free will and choices. Spike had a lot of other options - he could have just left with Dru, and let her kill his food. He chose to stay.
The chip didn't force him to endure Glory's torture and not tell her that Dawn was the key.

No, adapting means making the best out of your circumstances. And Spike was forced to adept because of the chip. He didn't chose to get the chip. He endured the torture because he knew Buffy would come for the human she cared about that was there with him. There was no way he was going to leave with Dru. She had left him before already when he could still kill. She would just do that again now that he can't.

Spike lived in Buffy's basement - since he lived there, well, he was there all the time. That was Buffy's choice - just like it was her choice not to stake him, and not to let him leave when he wanted to. He didn't ask her to take care of him - he did help take care of her and the others. I have no idea what guilt tripping you are talking about - except for the fact that he came back with a soul, and with no intention of getting back together as a couple.

I'm not even going to try to rationalize S7 Buffy who was just crazy bananapants. Because the writers gave me nothing to work with to explain her behavior. The guilt tripping is easy to explain. He said he got the soul for HER. He was also allowed to blame S6 entirely on HER. Both of those things are enough to make Buffy feel extremely guilty. And then he piled the pressure on when he said it falls on her to kill him should he go bad despite the soul.

Again - once Buffy told Angel she wasn't open to seeing him any more.

If you are refering to the aftermath of 'Lover's Walk' he clearly did stay away after she said she didn't want to see him anymore. And we learn that in the beginning of Amends.

By the metric you gave for Spike, Angel should have left for LA rather than buy poetry for her - that's a nice romantic gift for someone who shows no sign of liking poetry ever.

It's not like Buffy has ever even tried to read poetry. But aside from that Angel never imposed himself on Buffy during the Season. Every time she came to him that was her choice. There was no pressure or guilting her into anything from him. And besides 'Amends' was supposed to be Angel's exit episode and AtS a mid-Season replacement so things were out of whack, storywise, during that time.

He spent the entire next episode making Buffy take care of him while he was under the influence of the First, threatening to kill himself if she didn't stop him. Can we talk guilt trip here?!

He didn't make Buffy do anything. The first, and only, person he imposes himself on during 'Amends' is Giles. And he fully aknowledges that he has no right to do so. Buffy only became involved and knew what was going on because of the dream-sharing. Angel didn't tell her what was going on and neither did Giles.