Thread for seeking outside perpsective/opinions/advice

[Airam]

I'm a big over-analyzer and often find it difficult to make decisions. I like to consult with others before making my mind up on what to do... so if any one else here is anything like me I thought it might be nice to have a thread to seek advice/opinions or just get a general outside perspective on something you're trying to decide on, so I'm making one... namely because there's this one thing I'm really stressing about right now and I really need people's opinions on the situation 😉

Okay so, I'm sure many of you likely know about my car issues I went through recently. I have a new car (yay!) but I had to borrow 3,200 from a family member to get it. Now this is not exactly a family member I know super well, he's actually my mom's first cousin (he's been calling himself my uncle), but he's been amazing, totally supported me and taken me under his wing and he's been absolutely genuine about it. His son lives in my town and has been a huge help as well. My uncle actually lives in New Jersey still but already has a house here thats just sitting there waiting on them to move in when they get their affairs in order in Jersey, but that won't be till January at the earliest. I live in an apartment of which the lease is up at the end of July. My roommate is giving me the runaround about whether or not we will renew cause she just graduated Law School, doesn't have a job yet (she can't get one till she's done taking the bar mid July) and doesn't know how she'd pay the rent so last she told me she might move back in with her parents. If this happens I would need to find a one bedroom which would be a relative jump in rent not to mention my credit is less than stellar so I'm incredibly anxious about getting approved to rent an apartment... terrified is more like it. So the idea crossed my mind that a kind of perfectly convenient solution to all my problems would be if I were to stay at my uncle's house and instead of wasting money renting an apartment pay HIM rent towards the money he lent me for the car. If he was cool with it, he probably wouldn't want me to pay that much or even any kind of set amount. It would be easier for me to save up AND pay him back the money that he let me borrow plus I would essentially be house-sitting and I could keep the house clean and help with whatever else he needed. The thing is I'm INSANELY nervous about asking/suggesting this to him. I'm scared it would be in bad taste to ask to stay in a house he bought and hasn't even lived in yet, or that he'd think I'm trying to just mooch off his generosity, or that its just a plain bad idea that would inevitably leave me wanting to crawl under a rock after I ask and he says no. I just got off the phone with my mother. I ran the idea by her and she just kept saying, "I don't know, I have no idea, I don't know what to tell you to do." She seemed very hesitant, like she had no clue how it might go over. I expected her to put me at ease about asking but now I'm more freaked out than ever!

Help? Advice? Suggestions? Thanks in advance 🙂

 

[Buffy Summers]

Maybe you could just ask (or maybe have your mom ask so you don't have to worry that he just doesn't want to turn you down lol) whether he's looking for a house sitter? Frame it that you're looking for a new place so you are available and you want to pay him back for his generosity.

 

[Rayne]

I'm severely bipolar and my marriage is falling apart because of it. I've been to therapy and taken the drugs and I'm not getting any better. There are aspects I can't bring up here but my marriage is in real trouble. I feel like he resents me and can't understand where I'm coming from with this illness. He doesn't know what to say to me and we just co-exist in silence most days. I want to try counseling with him but I fear what will be said and not being able to take it back. Most days I just want to pack a bag and head someplace no one can find me but there are kids involved. Has anyone been here before? Does anyone know where I'm coming from? I keep thinking there's no fixing it...that we've just grown apart. We were married 10 years ago when we were barely 20 years old. Maybe we were just too young.

I guess if nothing else it serves as a cautionary tale to any youngins out there not to rush it...you have nothing but time...

 

[inthedoorway]

I'm severely bipolar and my marriage is falling apart because of it. I've been to therapy and taken the drugs and I'm not getting any better. There are aspects I can't bring up here but my marriage is in real trouble. I feel like he resents me and can't understand where I'm coming from with this illness. He doesn't know what to say to me and we just co-exist in silence most days. I want to try counseling with him but I fear what will be said and not being able to take it back. Most days I just want to pack a bag and head someplace no one can find me but there are kids involved. Has anyone been here before? Does anyone know where I'm coming from? I keep thinking there's no fixing it...that we've just grown apart. We were married 10 years ago when we were barely 20 years old. Maybe we were just too young.

I guess if nothing else it serves as a cautionary tale to any youngins out there not to rush it...you have nothing but time...

thats a really tough situation. People do simply grow apart sometimes. But when theres kids it makes it tougher. And when you've been with someone for 10 yrs, its so hard to change your environment on your own. It just becomes so routine. Counciling probably is your best bet.
But in the end you need to be happy within your relationship. Staying together and hating each other is the worst thing you can do. Its not healthy for you, him, or the kids. Cause theyll be able to tell.

 

[Rayne]

Thank you. I agree. I would never stay together for kids because my parents did for a long time and it was miserable. Oddly enough though my daughter told me tonight, (she knows I love spike) "I'm glad Spike isn't real because I like you and daddy together. I would kill Spike if he were real." Kinda creepy coming from an 8 year old but nonetheless endearing and made me feel guilty as all hell. I love him and want it to work out but only time will tell on that one. I just hope everything works out for the best.

 

[inthedoorway]

I just hope everything works out for the best.

I hope it works out for the best too, which ever way it goes.

 

[Professor Walsh]

Rayne, that is both a sweet and a rough thing to hear from you eight year old. She obviously understands that things are not good between you.

When you say you fear what will be said during counselling, is that what you might say, or he?

 

[Rayne]

It's more what both of us would say. I'm afraid of rocking the boat at this time. There has been so much tension and at the same time indifference if that makes any sense. We still say I love you but it feels like we're both on auto pilot.

Thanks mirromur. 🙂

 

[Mesektet Ra]

Well, have you tried to talk to him about it? I kind of understand where he's coming from, because I have a friend who's bipolar - he falls into these huge weeping fits of depression and it's really hard for me to just remember he's got issues instead of falling back on the whole 'he's just looking for attention' thing [which he is a lot of the time - being friends with him for so long as allowed me to discern the difference, but sometimes I know he's just bipolar and that's how it goes]. Any kind of mental illness is taxing on a relationship - I'm technically a depressive, and I know Mark has a harder time dealing with me when all I want to do is lay in bed and sob and tell him he doesn't understand how I feel. It sucks, and I feel it from both ways.

Assuming since you guys have been together for so long, counseling probably is your best bet. Don't be afraid of what's going to be said - the point of counseling is to iron out your issues, so whatever's said, being mean or not, is something to be worked out. You're going into this with the intent to save your marriage, y'know, so just start out there and take all the other stuff in stride. It's difficult, and it's going to take work, but if you guys truly love eachother everything should more or less work out for the best.

Now my problems [I'm such a segue queen, I deserve a medal]:

I'm pregnant and absolutely MISERABLE. I can't sleep, I don't wanna eat anything, and I'm bored all the time from sitting at home. For a few weeks my smoking was cut down to half a pack, but it's slowly progressing back to the pack and a half it used to be - which makes my chest hurt and it's harder for me to breathe. I have nothing to do all day. I wake up, get on the computer, get tired of the computer, take a nap for usually five or so hours which just kills any ability I have to sleep at night. I was told I can take Benedryl to sleep but it's not really helping all that much. I don't wanna take it nightly, anyway, because I don't wanna pill pop throughout my pregnancy. I want to try and cut down on my smoking but this has become increasingly difficult considering Mark's at work all day and I usually wake up when he leaves, which leaves me with nothing to do except watch TV, get on the computer, and smoke all day.

For a few weeks I was out a lot, running around with friends and whatnot. Now I'm just at home all the time with absolutely nothing to do or anyone to see. The extent of my leaving the house has consisted of going out with Mark's friends, which usually causes me to smoke MORE because my patience for idiot bullshit doesn't exist and someone we're out with will inevitably say something to piss me off. I feel confined in a house full of morons on a daily basis. I've looked into getting a job but I don't know what I CAN do and who will actually HIRE ME knowing I'm going on maternity leave in six/seven months.

Basically I'm all over the place and bitchy and I have nothing to do with my time and it's driving me crazy. SEND HALP.

 

[Rayne]

Thanks hon. i know you all are right about the counseling I'm just worried it will give us more to throw in eachothers faces when we fight.

You definitely need to quit smoking. That's a given. It can cause all kinds of complications. Have you thought about taking a class. As in an exercise class...they will help you strengthen those muscles which makes birth and after easier. Might help with the smoking and sleeping issues as well as it would burn up some of that negative, restless energy.

 

[Joan the Vampire Slayer]

I'm severely bipolar and my marriage is falling apart because of it. I've been to therapy and taken the drugs and I'm not getting any better. There are aspects I can't bring up here but my marriage is in real trouble. I feel like he resents me and can't understand where I'm coming from with this illness. He doesn't know what to say to me and we just co-exist in silence most days. I want to try counseling with him but I fear what will be said and not being able to take it back. Most days I just want to pack a bag and head someplace no one can find me but there are kids involved. Has anyone been here before? Does anyone know where I'm coming from? I keep thinking there's no fixing it...that we've just grown apart. We were married 10 years ago when we were barely 20 years old. Maybe we were just too young.

I guess if nothing else it serves as a cautionary tale to any youngins out there not to rush it...you have nothing but time...

I'm going through something similar with my long-term boyfriend. I've just been recently diagnosed as depressed and with chronic fatigue syndrome. So I'm going through a lot lately. Plus, I'm trying to get through this last quarter of school this year and I'm pretty stressed to say the least.

The reason I bring this up is because, as result of my depression, I've had a very low (pretty much non-existent) sex drive lately. I've explained to him that it's a side effect of the depression, that it has nothing to do with him, and I keep hoping it will pass. He's been really supportive, but lately it seems like he resents me for it. Like he's taking it personally. I'm really worried about the effect it's having on our relationship. The resentment he is showing towards me is just making things worse, and makes me even less likely to be attracted to him. This might be too personal, but has this been an issue with you too? It's relieving to be able to talk about this on here. I can't really talk to any of my friends about it.

PM me if you want to talk about this more in private 🙂

 

[funkyguitarbabe]

Rayne: Although I'm fortunate enough that my parents are together, when they fight all of us kids hate it, so don't feel bad if you need a time-out from each other; maybe if you can't get councelling, or it doesn't work, try a trial separation? Sometimes just a bit of space can help you realise how much you value one another. And even if it doesn't work out, sometimes people get on better after they are no longer living together; I saw it with the parents of a friend, they fought bitterly the whole time, one moved out, and they were able to get on as friends. It was much better for the kids, as they could see that their parents were happier but still in touch, and they were able to see both parents without the fighting. Whatever happens, i hope it works out for you *hugs*

Mes: Having watched my mum go through her 4th pregnancy, I know [from an outsider's perspective] how tough it is.Maybe you could try an antenatal class? Then you could get out of the house, meet new people, plus you would be with people going through the same things as you so you could support one another. I've heard that aqua natal is also great for keeping you healthy and active right the way though pregnancy, aside from the social aspect. And. like someone else said, craft could be good; my Grandma and a load of books taught me to knit when i was younger, and I've passed many a day with the music on and doing some knitting; maybe you could even learn to do it for the baby? I knitted booties for my cousin when he was born, they were adorable 🙂 Or a book/film club in your area, depending on what's available? Whatever you choose, I hope you feel better soon! *Hugs*

And now for my pathetic segway into this...sorry for how trivial it is in comparison to the rest of you...
I have no idea what to do about college. See, I'm hoping to join the Royal Navy in a year's time, and in the meantime I'm doing a music course at college, which I initially loved. But now? I hate it, for the most part. I get really depressed about it sometimes, because it feels like no-one likes me, and no-one wants me around, plus I'm not very good at the practical elements. I feel like I'm not capable of half the stuff we do [the performance and listening, really important skills I don't seem to possess], and the academic work is waaaay too easy. My guitar teacher managed to make me feel so rubbish about my progress and skills, or complete lack of, that I ended up crying in the cupboard after the lesson cos I felt so worthless, and I just don't want to stay there anymore. Thing is, I've got a year until I can leave, and other than doing a few A-Levels at home [which I could do, my dad would even pay for it], I've got nothing to do. And sometimes I have a great time, there'll be a gig that will go great and I'll feel good, or we'll go to the pub afterwards and have a laugh and it's great fun. But a lot of the time [basically, in the day-to-day] I feel really lonely and like I can't do any of the stuff I should.
So what the hell should I do? Do I leave and do a couple A-Levels at home in a year, or do I stay and see if it improves, and then have a definite something to do all year? Help!

Yikes, sorry for crazy long post!

 

[Flannen]

Funky: College (well it was 6th form for me) can be rubbish a lot of the time! At times it feels so pointless, the teachers don't treat you any different to how they did when you were in high school and all you want to do is leave! IF you decide to leave though, you can do what you said and do some A Levels at home, which would be really important. I would not advise leaving all your possible qualifications behind so its encouraging to see that you do want to work and hard and get some qualifications under your belt 🙂

Regarding people, and feeling lonely; people can really suck sometimes. School/college can be some of the 'clickiest' places, people stick together depending on the type of clothes you wear and all those other really 'important' things, but you just gotta think in a year's time you don't have to have anything to do with them again, if you don't want to. If they don't accept for who you are then sod them, cos there will always be people who do.

In situations like this I always say that deep down, you know what you want to do; stick out or try something new. Just do what you want to do. I know that sounds really easy but like I said, if you think about it one of those things sounds more appealing the other. I hope you come to a decision soon 🙂

 

[funkyguitarbabe]

Yeah, thanks Flannen! I figured that going in to music, I'd have something in common with everyone, and we could all get on, and I could have some real friends. unfortunately it just hasn't worked. Sure, I've had some good times, but it hurts to know that everyone else is making friends and going out with each other, but I'm just used for when people need someone to listen or help with work. Plus there's the whole "I'm not as good as everyone else" thing, which I'm plainly not, and I doubt I ever will be. But then again, I hate leaving stuff unfinished.
Either way, I think I'll probably decide after Friday's gig, and see if I go back in September or not.

 

[randiann]

To Mes: I didn't mean that you had to make adorable baby things! I made my friend a really funky black, hot pink, and BRIGHT purple baby blanket cause I know she doesn't like the frilly stuff. I've got loads of different patterns and stuff too if you want them....

Funky: One thing I learned while trying to get through college is its a pain in the bottom. If it's not right for you, then it's not right. That's the reason I left the first college I went to and transferred back closer to home. Also, no offense, but college kids are STUPID. I found out I click much better with people outside of college, and had very few friends within my school. It's hard to find a network of people sometimes, but if you look other places than within your classes I bet you'll find there are alot more people whom you vibe better with.

 

[funkyguitarbabe]

I have noticed the stupidity of college kids, yeah. I'm doing a vocational course instead of A-Levels, and I guess I'm just better suited to academics, even though I prefer the practical stuff. Although, if I do the A-Levels and leave college, it'll better set me up for a practical job I'm going for...so the pros outweigh the cons.
I think I just don't tend to get on quite so well with students, and people my own age - when I work in my Mum's office for a couple days, I get on well with those in the office. i don't have time to get to know them, but they're older, don't treat me like a child, and don't freeze me out cos I'm different. Hence, looking forward to the world of work!
And there's the drugs. I have no problem with anyone that takes drugs, s'fine by me provided it hurts no-one else. I've never done it myself, but not so long ago i wanted to, but I don't want to go down that path. I think getting away from my fellow students, who seem to want to push people into smoking, drinking and doing drugs waaay to much, may well be a good thing. Certainly for someone with my career ambitions!
Thanks for the help guys, I feel a lot better about the whole thing now 🙂 Imma see how this week goes, and my gig on Friday, and decide on whether or not it's worth doing the next year.

 

[Rayne]

Funky, I seriously relate to your plight. I went back to college in my mid twenties and felt like I had a hard time fitting in. The students were all wanting to go out clubbing and dating and I was married with kids. So I looked to the instructors that I loved that also had kids and were in the same boat but they couldn't really hang out with students. I was horrible with all of the technical jargon (it was film school) and relied way too much on my hubby for help. I felt useless. I almost quit but stuck it out and got my bachelors. Now, I'm miserable anyway because the job market sucks but I was proud of myself for sticking it out. You are the only one that knows what's right for you. If you feel like you could take something good away from holding the course then just focus on your studies and get it done. If it's causing you that much turmoil then by all means look into something better. As for hanging with the crowd forget them. Just do your thing and the right people will come along that you have more in common with. Sometimes younger folks are just wise and mature beyond their years and making older friends is the best way to go. Check out some clubs or individual classes that interest you. Maybe you'll meet some people there.