Right so I go out last night for my friends 18th. Its all fine i'm sitting with my lovely cocktail (blue lagoon) and listening to the idle chattering of my friends. Then the starters get brought out and its nachos some smothered in some cucumber dip stuff, I hate cucumbers, fine ok i'll wait till the main. The main is just meat pizza. I eat nothing. Then my friends are going "eat katy eat" "do you want me to ask for something vegetarian" this si just so incredibly embarrassing there all looking at me. I'm sat there trying not to be flaming noticed. Then my friend shouts down the table "Katy are you ok?" and the WHOLE table turns and looks at me.
Why would she do that!?
Then i'm sitting there realizing I can't feel, I don't have any emotion connected with these people, there like strangers, I can't talk to them and there watching me, there eyes are watching me. So I pick a cocktail stick and run it over my hands and arms under the table, something to focus on right. I keep realizing that i've stopped smiling. Smile Katy smile, your having fun remember.
Then we leave,go in to a pub and its fine, but Helen keeps trying to link arms with me and hugs me, I don't like being touched. And its those purposeful searching hugs like she wants me to spill. Digging away, when really i don't feel anything towards her, she's like a bock of stone or i'm a block of stone?. I'm sat in the pub thinking, why aren't I having fun, why aren't I feeling anything, nothings wrong, nothing bad has happened.
I leave can't sit there like a block of wood, everyone's eyes follow me out.
I have to go out to night as well. Fun.
I'm empty.