What do I do...

[Destructo Girl]

What do you do when you think your friend might be thinking about committing suicide?
My friend, who shall remain nameless, has been depressed lately. Really depressed. She's delibrately cutting herself off from our little 'group' and she's not eating. She's been like this for about two months and I thought, you know, it might just go away. Close my eyes and pretend the signs weren't there, then everything would be fine. But it's not now.
She has many visable cut on her wrists. You can tell she hasn't gotton any sleep.
We have this journal thing in Literature, where you can write whatever you want. Our teacher won't collect them to read, it's just to vent. I'm close to my friend, so when we write something, we'll let each other read. We have the trust that we won't share the contents with anyone. And in her journal, she's been constantly talking about death. Sometimes, little subtle hints, some full out sentences that say something like, 'I wish I could just end it.' or 'I want to be in peace.'
This friend used to be the most talkative, chipper, happy person I knew, now...she's not.
I know I should tell an adult, and I did. I mean I'm not stupid.
But what do I do with me?
I feel like I could have done something to prevent this. I could've noticed the signs and seen them earlier. I also feel like I broke the trust we had by showing an adult her journal. That was meant for my eyes only, but I shared it anyway.
I know I'm probably ranting and raving but it's good to get this off my chest and I think you guys could help. Most of the people here are older than me, so maybe someone has some experience with this. Thanks.

 

[killerdwarf]

I think you should cut yourself a bit of slack. In my never-to-be-humble opinion, any time you make a promise to keep a secret, and that secret turns out to be destructive to you, the other person, or anyone else, you are under absolutely no obligation to keep the secret! By destructive I mean a situation exactly like this, when life is actually in peril.

Second point: the line between the "normal" type of emotional fluctuation and a serious "depression" is hard for anyone but trained individuals to spot. You may know your friend, but I'm assuming you don't have a lot of experience with depressed people beyond the "normal" I mentioned before. Hell, even trained people are behind the curve in a lot of cases. They miss clues and diagnoses all the time, or wait until they are sure that what they are seeing is really depression, etc. So, please, don't blame yourself for "not seeing it sooner". It takes an experienced, educated professional to do the kind of thing you are thinking you should have done!

Point the third: You did do something. You went to an adult, hopefully one who knew enough to get a hold of someone who can help your friend. You can't force your friend to get help. You can tell her what you think, but ultimately you have little power to make her do anything. Only an adult, like a parent, teacher or guardian can force the issue. Really, you did the only thing you could do to help. You definitely don't want to wait until she hurts herself, so you really had no other option. You've showed your true friendship, and a good deal of courage here. She (he?) is gonna be pissed at you, I would expect. Let her (ok, I'm just going with "her" now!) rant and rave at you. When she calms down, just explain that all the promises in the world are meaningless IF SHE'S DEAD! Tell her you'd rather have her alive and pissed at you forever than have her dead. Tell her that her life means more than your word not to tell the secret does. It's true. I'd sell out anyone for anything to save Mrs. D or my dwarflets. I wouldn't care if they hated me forever, they'd be alive...and that's all that matters.

You are a very brave girl for doing what you did. She may not agree, but at least she's alive. I'm proud to know someone who has this kind of courage. Now...take care of yourself too, and get someone to talk to if you need it. We're ok here at BB, but I meant someone you can see face to face. That will help you deal.

Take care of yourself...you've done everything your friend needed you to do!

kd

 

[Destructo Girl]

I understand what your saying with the talk to somebody, in person, but the problem is, when i told my mom, she didn't believe me and neither did my Literature teacher. They both think I'm blowing this out of propartion. I would think the schools would take this serious and do what ever they can, but they're not. It's extraidinary!(sp) I mean the talk about 'if you need help go to them' and when i did, they didn't help.
It's just so frustrating! And i hate to admit this, but last week, I started to yell at my teacher because she wouldn't listen. I almost got ISS for it.
And my mom said that 'she'd look in to it'. She said that about a month ago and nothings changed.
I feel like I should go to her (yes, her) parents and tell them straight to their faces, but I'm terrified. I'm terrified they won't believe and then she does something.

I've tried the whole 'I'd rather have you mad then dead' thing, Thanks to my best friend who told me too, but she won't listen.

In our little group, I know her the most, so my group is forcing me to tell her all the things THEY want to say. Using the whole 'you've known her longer' option. And i feel the same, so i tell her. Then I'm the one who gets punished.

 

[killerdwarf]

Is there a "Guidance Department" in your school? They're usually the ones who have had even a little training in this area. The Vice-Principal too. He should know what to do. Her parents are a good option. If it were me, I'd tell your mom that I was not exaggerating, and that I was going to the VP of the school and her parents. Then I'd do it. As I said, you are doing everything you can by sounding the alarm. You can't force adults to do anything, including be smart. By pursuing this "over the head" of the Lit teacher, and telling your mom you are doing that, you've all but forced them to acknowledge what's going on. They're gonna sneer and tell you that you're wrong...but you're not, even if you are mistaken about her intentions. Hell, as far as you or I know, she really is serious. If nothing else, she's depressed about something, and not dealing well. This is the part that's gonna need you to have more guts than most people...to take it to another level. That you've done what you already have tells me you have the courage...don't stop now.

As for your "other friends"...they're a bit cowardly, IMO. If they really cared, they'd be telling their parents and teachers just like you, instead of worrying about their "image". At least that's what it sounds like to me.

 

[Destructo Girl]

I seriously, do think that's what it is (with my friends) because the only people who've noticed are me and my best friend, and we're doing something.

Also, I tried the guidance thing, she also said she'd look into it and watch out for her, but i don't think anything has really been done in their part.

And, oh my gosh, your my new best friend, because I've been re-reading what your saying and you're right. I mean, I tried to talk to her and get adults involved. I did my part, as much as I can and i just need to stand by her, even if she is angry at me.

Thanks kd, you've really helped. I was sitting here, thinking about everything you said and I'm starting to get more sure of myself. I'm starting to get a little courage (mind you, i said little) and i think i'll probably go to her parents.

 

[SlayersDestiny]

If you dont mind, I am putting my 2 cents worth in here. I would definitely go and talk to her parents. Ask them if they have noticed anything different with her lately, and if there have been any changes in her life that might explain why she has become sullen. Let them know how her attitude has changed. Most of the time (and I can talk from experience here) parents are the last to notice... not because they dont care but because of so many things that we deal with in everyday life. Keep an eye on your friend!! If she stops talking about it then I would become very concerned. Most people that are suicidal will begin like your friend.. making off the cuff remarks about death or ending the pain, when they stop talking that is when they have made a decision. I am very sorry that you are going thru this but you are a true friend for noticing the change and for trying to do something to help her. Dont give up on her.. and keep talking. Even if she gets mad at you, you may very well have saved her life and in the long run she will thank you. Try to think back and see what could have changed her.. has she gotten a bad grade that she is upset over, broken up with a boyfriend/found out that a crush likes someone else? How long has she been cutting on herself? That is often a key indicator that there is a major problem, by doing that she is actually releasing the pain inside of her (by cutting on herself.. again I have dealt with that with my son and a niece). Keep talking to her and reassure her that you are there for her. Sounds to me like she really is screaming for some help. If you ever want to talk or unload just pm me. Dont know what I can do, but I can lend an ear and try my best. (((((((hugs))))))))

 

[Kazby]

Yes, Ill put in my two cents also.

I have a similar situation. Well, I had a very similar situation. One of my friends was going through the exact same thing. She would cut herself, randomly break down crying, stay up all night, and she would just come to me and pretty much let me know that tomorrow she might not be there.

Well, I didn't tell parents, because the first night she came to me, I talked to her for about 3 hours and she seemed a lot better. So I decided to just wait on the adult thing, see what happened through the next few days.

And to my surprise, she started getting alittle bit better every time I talked to her because she knew that someone was there with her.

So maybe if you did just let her know that she's really not alone, if she has any problems then she can talk to you about it, or if you don't want to put yourself in that position maybe tell her that she has parents and other friends and people that love her that would be willing to help her through this.


And you didn't break your trust with her for going to an adult. You were helping her, so I think in the end she'll be very happy that you did go to an adult and talked about it with them. In my case, an adult wasn't needed, as my friend has been very happy for about 2 months now, she no longer cuts herself, and she's out doing things again. But if you felt that your friend needed help from an adult also, then you really did the right thing.

And as for yourself....just help her out. I know that it feels horrible to know that your best friend is going through this, but as long as you're there for her every step of the way, things will get better!
And I agree with KD, your other friends are quite cowardly. If their 'image' is more important to them than a friend who needs their help also, they really must not be true friends.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you're doing the best you can and it will really make a difference 🙂

If you wanna talk or anything, just PM me or you have me on your buddy list so you know where I'll be 🙂 I hope this all works out soon! And good luck!

 

[Faith]

I can use lots of the psychology jumble that I know, but in reality it doesn't mean anything because those theorists who came up with it, are not you and don't feel like you. So the best I can offer is this:

I had a soul mate once, he was this amazing guy, funny, sarcastic, loving and even played a part in helping these boards. We met at work and just clicked, it was never anything romantic, it was more than that we were each other.

He had some issues with his parents, they would not accept the fact that he was a practising Wiccan, and turned against him. They didn't like the fact that he dropped out of university, and much more that is too personal for me to go into.

He tried to take his life several times, his parents each time, talked down to him and made him feel stupid, in the end making things worse. But he tried it once more and this time was successful. I've never gotten over his death, I felt that I was too busy concentrating on my studies to be a friend for him when he needed me, and i'll never forgive myself for that. So many people have used the 'its not your fault' line on me. And perhaps its not, perhaps maybe one day i'll see things like they do. But i'm me, so I act, feel and think like me, not them. My point being so many times I have wondered what would have happened if things were different, if he hadn't seen my Wicca book and asked to borrow it, would that have made things any better? I can't change what happened with Fraser.

My advice is to be honest with your friend. Tell her why you are worried about her, and you want to help her. There are organisations out there that can help if she chooses.

 

[Mesektet Ra]

Two cents.

Alright. Let me see.

I've been in the same place your friend has been. For about three straight years. [Not currently, of course.] And let me tell you that there is only so much adults can do. I can't exactly remember how my parents found out about my depression, but my mother freaked and sent me to a shrink. And he hooked me up an a bunch of drugs, which did little more than make me tired and more irritable.

The point is, the only thing I found that really helped me was finding a close knit group of people I could talk to. Your friends can be your crutch when your family or the other adults around you fail.

Now, I know it's a completely different issue for you, because the adults around you aren't even listening. I'm lucky to have a mother that cares [even though, personally, I think freaking out and hooking me on drugs wasn't really the smartest thing, but I love her and appreciate her nonetheless] and that actually listened to my pain. I think that while you prod the adults around you to help her, you need to be there for her also. Just listen to her. Sit her down and have a long talk with her. I think, above all things, having a friend that cares is the best thing for her. She need to feel like she isn't alone. And I think you are more than capable of providing that for her. You're a good friend.

 

[eset]

I don't know what I can say that hasn't been said here already, except maybe to echo some of Mesektet Ra's sentiments. Talk to her, and talk to your other friends too. From what you're saying, it seems that they're beginning to pull away from her, likely out of confusion and uncertainty, but you friend needs to see that there are more people that truely care about her.

I wish you lots of luck, and I hope all turns out for the best.

Keep us posted, we're here to help.

-eset

 

[killerdwarf]

Umm, I'm wondering how I figure my advice matters here. It seems that there are lots of people with actual experience with this situation (and, really, I don't) but that's never stopped me before. So, it seems like everyone agrees to some extent that you didn't betray anything by going to an adult. We also all agree that you've done a very courageous thing by helping your friend despite her anger. The part I missed, (thank you, Kazby, Mesektet Ra and Faith) is that you should by all means be there for her to talk to, vent to, unload on, cry with, etc. Kazby's story makes me hopeful, and SlayersDestiny is right: it is escalating when she STOPS talking about what's going on, so keep an eye on that!

But on to you. You need someone to talk to as well. You can't hear someone like your friend talk that way and not be affected. I'm not saying run off to therapy or anything, but find someone you trust that you can talk to about how YOU feel. That way, if God forbid something happens, you won't spiral too far down because of it.


Courage. It takes many forms, and while you may think it's a little bit, I disagree. Being as you are a relatively young person, you've shown courage and heart very seldom shown, even by adults. You are a true friend...you know, one who tries to help when all others stand around wringing their hands and worrying how this will affect them. A little courage? Girl, I wish I had a tenth of what you've got!

Be strong, and take good care

kd

 

[Faith]

I had to carefully word what I said above, mainly because I was emotional and its a very tricky subject. I don't want to appear negligent and say 'don't tell an adult' because they can help, but only if they are the right sort of person.

Would the family like to know whats going on? Yes, but thats not my decision to make, its hard to say because you are coming to us for advice and I don't want to be the person thats responsible for making things worse. It can go both ways, it can help or make it worse, sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. The key I think is to find out why she is so depressed, it is only once the issue is addressed that you can begin to work through it.

 

[Silve]

Umm, I'm wondering how I figure my advice matters here. It seems that there are lots of people with actual experience with this situation (and, really, I don't) but that's never stopped me before. So, it seems like everyone agrees to some extent that you didn't betray anything by going to an adult.

MAny a times I have told my friends to swear that they would never tell and adult about my situation. I do, as some of you know, cut, and around a year ago, I tried to commit suicide. I guess everyone is different, because I would be extremely upset with my friend if she/he ever told anyone about anything. Only my closest friends know, and I trust them with everything. If my trust was ever broken, I would be devastated.

I am getting better, all on my own, without any councellers or parents involved. By best friend told me about he urges to cut, and I felt it was my duty not to have her fall into the same fate as I. I know it's and awful thing to do, but I can't seem to stop. That's why I'm helping my friend get through it. She's the same as me, if our parents ever knew, it'd be the end of the world. That may seem melo-dramatic, but it would be. I feel sick with myself after I cut, and I feel like I'd never want to do it again, but of course, I do. I guess it's just different with everyone else. For me, I'd never talk to my friend again if she told. My friends can usually talk me out of anything, because that's just the type of person I am.

It's good that you're worried about your friend. Maybe talking to her about being worried could work. I'm so sad for you, Faith, I really am. And everyone here brought up excellent points.

 

[Kazby]

KD - Your advice is awesome, and thanks, it was hard to help my friend, I'm not gonna deny it, but there's always hope. And in Paige's situation, I also have hope that it'll turn out well.

Faith - I'm truely sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sure you did the best you could, and you don't feel so great now, but in time I hope you'll start to realize that it really wasn't your fault. I know you said that you've heard that so many times before, but it really wasn't your fault. It was his decision, not yours. I hope it'll get a little easier for you soon 🙂

Silve - It's great that you're helping your friend through this. I hope all goes well with her. As for yourself. I know it's hard to stop, but hopefully you can stop soon! Maybe while you're helping your friend out, you'll realize that it is very possible for you to stop too. I give you the best of luck. I hope that this all works out with you and your friend, also. 🙂

 

[killerdwarf]

MAny a times I have told my friends to swear that they would never tell and adult about my situation. I do, as some of you know, cut, and around a year ago, I tried to commit suicide. I guess everyone is different, because I would be extremely upset with my friend if she/he ever told anyone about anything. Only my closest friends know, and I trust them with everything. If my trust was ever broken, I would be devastated.

Ah, Silve, I see your point, and I'm just coming at it from a different perspective...a parent. I know it sounds cruel, but if one of my dwarflets' friends kept something like that from me, even at my kids' request, I'd wreak havoc in their lives, to put it mildly. That being said, if you count to 40, you actually pass through the teens, so I've been there too, and I think you are underestimating your parents. At least I hope you are.

I am getting better, all on my own, without any councellers or parents involved. By best friend told me about he urges to cut, and I felt it was my duty not to have her fall into the same fate as I. I know it's and awful thing to do, but I can't seem to stop. That's why I'm helping my friend get through it. She's the same as me, if our parents ever knew, it'd be the end of the world. That may seem melo-dramatic, but it would be. I feel sick with myself after I cut, and I feel like I'd never want to do it again, but of course, I do. I guess it's just different with everyone else. For me, I'd never talk to my friend again if she told. My friends can usually talk me out of anything, because that's just the type of person I am.

We're all different. That's generally a good thing, and if this is the way you use to get closer to "normal", that's great. But...not everyone has the support system you do, nor the strength you have to stop the behaviour. So, while you have done this without parental involvement, I can honestly say that for 99% of the rest of the cases, the parents must be told. As a matter of fact, I think you should start a dialogue with your parents too. If there is a chance of you relapsing, they need to know, so they can do what they need to to save your life. You say your world would end...well, so would theirs, except they'd still be alive. Studies have stated that a child dying is the most devastating thing that can happen to anyone, short of their own death. I have a friend whose son died at 1yr. He's never been the same, even though it's been 17yrs and he has had other kids since. The best way I can describe the way he is, is "haunted". He has normal emotions, laughs, gets angry, sad, and all that, but it's like the things he feels are just a reflection of the true feelings that he can't feel. A big part of him died inside...he's like the living dead, and not in a good way (no vamp strength, etc 😉).

I salute you, and your inner strength. Few people can do what you've done by themselves. It is a testament to your will. Keep going. We need people like you to keep the rest of us in the game!

It's good that you're worried about your friend. Maybe talking to her about being worried could work. I'm so sad for you, Faith, I really am. And everyone here brought up excellent points.

Yes, everyone did a great job. And talking is always the best way to get to a better understanding, and solve the problems.

 

[Jill_Valentine]

For reasons I still haven't quite come to grips with, I've been in your friends position. I'm surprised at how many others have been too. It's not fun for anybody, and it sucks. But, all I can do is repeat what's already been said. I never got past the planning stages, simply because I couldn't think of any way I could get it done without a family member finding me, and, though it sounds fan-girl-tastic, because Earshot was broadcast when I was at my lowest. For five years straight, I acted perfectly normal, and I don't believe anybody ever knew how close it came, if they noticed anything wrong at all. If somebody had come up to me and said "Gemma, there's something wrong. Please tell me what it is." it would have made a world of difference. Even if I hadn't told them, or if they hadn't been able to help, just knowing that somebody wanted to help would have been huge.

But, I've faced up to facts too. I kept it to myself because I was a coward. I didn't want to be laughed at, or to tell anybody what it was, and I'm a very good actor. That I was alone with it was my fault, and nobody elses. This person has problems, clearly, but you can only help her if she lets you, and you shouldn't feel guilty when you've already done so much.

 

[Destructo Girl]

Thanks everybody for the great advice. And, I think, it's getting better. I went to my mom again, and she finally relented, after I told her over and over that I thought it was serious.
My mom said she'd talk to my friend's parents. I don't know what was said because I wanted my mom to do it while at was at school and so was my friend. I just didn't want to be there. I don't know why.
But my mom did go, and my friend missed three days of school and is back again.
Me and my bf contronted my friend. She admited that she had a problem but she didn't want any help, from anybody. So instead of pushing, we just let it go, because we knew my mom was going to talk to my friend's parents.
My mom hasn't said anything about it, which is odd, because me and my mom are pretty close.
But basically I'm still in the dark about what's happening.
Just thought, I fill you in.

Thanks again, to everybody.
Faith- I'm really sorry that happened to you. That had to be awful. I wish there was something I do to make you feel better, but you can see I'm not good at this stuff.
If I remember correctly (I'm going on my memory) it wasn't that recent, but I still wish I could do something. I'm not in the postion to say it's not your fault, but I thought I would anyway.

 

[killerdwarf]

I think you did the right thing, Paige. Your mom will tell you what happened when she's ready to...I'm thinking she had a bit of an eye-opener when she realized you had analyzed the situation correctly. Trust me, parents have a bit of a hard time coming to terms with the fact that their "little one" has grown up and has all these skills and abilities the parent didn't teach them (been there!!).

Thanks for the update. You did good!

kd

 

[SlayersDestiny]

Way to go... as KD said, you did good!! Hope that things will work out fine. Please let us know, and remember that if you need to talk, we are here for you.

 

[Kazby]

Yes, if you need anything, we're here. You did the right thing, and you tried your best. I really hope this gets better. 🙂