I really can't see the punished for sex thing. I mean, she's 16 plus 1 day when she has sex with Angel, and that consequence is definitely awful. But how was she punished by sex with Riley. That's a normal college relationship - starts strong, then dies. The particulars are mostly Riley not being able to handle Buffy's strength, but again, not all that uncommon. Spike is the bad boy that she decides to take for a ride, and even though it's kinda disastrous, it's also kinda excellent sex. My point is that, taking away the over the top hellmouth realities, is Buffy all that different from a normal 21 year old at the end of the show? She has had relationships that are not forever, and it hurt but who hasn't? Is Willow being punished - Oz did turn into a werewolf and leave her. Tara did die. Is a successful relationship a trouble free forever love that has no issues, because that seems way less common than anything in the show.
For me it's like this;
Buffy/Angel sex - metaphor blah blah, disastrous end de luxe. I get that part. But it also leads to them
never having sex again. Wear your chastity belt ladies less your man turns evil! And at this point we also have Buffy polarized with Faith, as the sweet vanilla girl who maybe craves a "non-fat yoghurt" after a slay-fest (madonna), compared to the voracious in all appetites Faith (whore) Faith who by the way at this point is like a walking talking billboard for "sex is bad kids" look at this poor attitude! Don't you want to be more like nice, clean Buffy?
Buffy/Riley sex - the time we get to see them superhot for each other they're feeding the magical energy of a frat house which leads to death and mayhem. Not even human/human sex is safe when your Buffy. Sex has bad consequences not just for you but for the people around you. Then not much is said about their sexlife until oh - now Buffy's more in touch with her Slayer side so sex is not satisfying for her, it now turns her into a hunter who has to sex it up - then hunt and kill something. While not necessarily a sex = badness message I'm just like... wtf, is even the message of that? That when a girl starts to come into her sexual self she is what exactly...?
Buffy/Spike - already wrote above my problems with this. It's excellent sex. But Buffy's not allowed to enjoy it just on her own. She can't go - yeah so what, I want some excellent sex! There need to be excuses why this sweet, lovely girl would enjoy that...
Buffy/Spike - season seven. Again. We're nice and bottled up. Handholding and cuddling is really where it's at ladies, am I right?
(Obviously I'm not a Spuffy fan so it's not like I wanted them to be carnal then but it would have been nice to see Buffy have some kind of functional sex life that she openly got to enjoy at some point throughout the series. Riley comes kind of close, I'll admit, they could have skipped a few things and that wouldn't have been so bad.)
In the end this to me is just Joss telling the same story over and over again (and again and again... space-frak anyone?). Bangel at 16 ends badly, that's fine, we get it, we saw that coming. But the continuation of this theme is tiresome. And it's not just Buffy, for me it's the combination of the treatment of her and other female characters in terms of their sexuality that makes me feel like Joss is certainly not as progressive in his mindset as he likes to think he is.
Say Cordelia - we get the few hints that she's been in "cars" with boys and dates college guys and is "the slayer of dating", but NOTHING is said
outright about her as a sexual being. In fact, when she and Xander are alone to steal the rocket launcher she's suddenly innocent and girly and coquettishly wrinkles her nose going
"oh does looking at guns really make boys wanna have sex?" Seriously? Why? Why does she suddenly need to be so virginal unless it's because it's more palatable to the storyteller/audience? Then there's some more kissing and handholding, until Angel where she gets to have sex ONCE and gets knocked up by a demon... It takes forever before she gets together with Groo. Then there's her and Angel, close but not cigar and then we get her sleeping with Connor... (for a reason but I mean... c'mon Joss! Just, c'mon! That was unpleasant for everyone involved!)
The only females who don't get to wear the yoke of their sexuality like something shameful is Willow (because Joss loves and adores Willow) and Anya because Anya is a crazy insensitive demon-lady who only cares about money so who cares if she's super-sexual, that's just another aspect of her wacky Anya ways.
So yeah, for me, any feminist aspect of
Buffy The Vampire Slayer is diminshed by the fact that there's not one instance of "sex is bad" but it lingers around pretty much throughout the whole series. It may make for dramatic television, but I also think it's kind of lazy writing.