I built up a collection a while ago, here they are :
On a bottle of Bubble Bath: “Pour into water, preferably while running” (Does this mean running on the spot or along the side of the bath?)
On a packet of soap: “Use as soap”
On a frozen vegetarian lasagne: “Serving Suggestion: Defrost before eating”
On a Myer Hairdryer: "Do Not Use While Sleeping"
On a bag of Walkers Crisps: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary - see inside for details"
On a frozen desert (printed on the bottom): "Do not turn upside down"
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "This product will be hot after heating" (Really?)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body"
On Boots Childrens Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate heavy machinery after taking this medication" (children operating heavy machinery?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May Cause Drowsiness"
On many brands of Christmas Tree Lights: "For indoor and outdoor use only"
On a Japanese Food Processor : "Not to be used for the other use"
On many packets of peanuts: "Warning: May Contain Nuts"
On a Swedish Chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals"
And finally, one of my personal favourites, on a Japanese manufactured toy: "This product is unsuitable for children under 36 components" .
On a butcher knife: "Please keep out of children."
On a birthday card for a 1 year old: "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less."
In the manual for a microwave oven: "Do not use for drying pets."
On a can of air freshener "For use by trained personnel only."
Posted on a Boeing 757: "Fragile. Do not drop."
On a sign at a railroad station: "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted."
On a TV Remote Control: "Not dishwasher safe."
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11: "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat."
In a car manual: "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors."
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
