Angel--Will you PLEASE stay away from Spike's girl? Go howl at the moon with Wolfey Girl, you were made for each other.
Spike--Quit taking this crap off of Buffy. She's crazy about you, she just won't admit it. Tell her "Hasta la vista, baby," and head on down the road. She'll come running after you. Bet on it.
Giles--Get some contacts bfore you rub a hole clean through those glasses.
Xander--Weight Watchers has a place for you.
Willow--Tara's worth a lot more than any damn magic spell. If you can't figure that out, you're not only addicted, you're bed bug crazy.
Buffy--Get your act together, sister, or you're going to wind up an old woman with nothing but a cat to cuddle up next to.
Tara--Kevlar. K-E-V-L-A-R. Buy it. Wear it. Don't leave home without it.
Dawn--Get out. Get out! GET OUT!!!!!
Jonathan--Avoid sharp pointed objects, and hang onto that magic bone.
Anya--Put all your spare cash into oil futures.