What's so special about monogamy?

[Anyanka Bunny Slayer]

Why is it such a big deal? Why is it expected that you and your partner stay "faithful" to each other? If you truly love someone, isn't enough that your souls are mated? Why must your bodies be claimed for ownership?

(Isn't it a bit fanciful to think that you'll be content with ONE person...forever?)

 

[Professor Walsh]

Because I'm stingy. I don't like to share.

Also, monogamy lessens the risk of icky illnesses.

 

[Blaze]

Well the way I see it you can be faithful whether in a monogamous or a polygamous relationship, it's all about communication. Just like you can be unfaithful in both cases. Just because you are in a polygamous relationship doesn't mean you can't cheat, since in some cases there are still some "rules" or understanding between the couple (for example, even if I were to be in an open relationship, I would want to be informed of any new partner(s), because in that case it's extra important to be on schedule for STI testing, and staying protected).

In my case polygamy is just not for me. And that just has to do with the fact that when I'm in love, I really only have eyes for that person. If ever that feeling goes away, than it's time to break up and move on. I think even in polygamy, you still have to love/like the people you're with, why pursue something with a person you have no romantic feelings for? So for me I have never felt romantic feelings for more than one person at a time, and even more importantly I have no interest in having other partners when I am in a relationship. I think that's what makes me monogamous. But I have nothing against people for whom polygamy works, I just think communication is extra important in that case.

 

[ILLYRIAN]

I don't understand what the problem of two people being just friends is, regardless of them being male to male, male to female, female to female. Monogamy or polygamy, if its platonic what is the problem?
What happen if you have a couple of kids, you willingly have a platonic relationship with them. You can love a person without wanting to have sex with them.

 

[November]

Cos the sex is way better with someone who knows what I like. Who has time/energy to train more than one?
If the first night is mindblowing, +5 years = it only gets better.

 

[Blair]

Well the way I see it you can be faithful whether in a monogamous or a polygamous relationship, it's all about communication. Just like you can be unfaithful in both cases. Just because you are in a polygamous relationship doesn't mean you can't cheat, since in some cases there are still some "rules" or understanding between the couple (for example, even if I were to be in an open relationship, I would want to be informed of any new partner(s), because in that case it's extra important to be on schedule for STI testing, and staying protected).

I was in a polygamous relationship in 2013. And yeah, there were rules. Kinda strange how the situation happened but me and my back-then fiance were kinda cool with the idea. It lasted for 5 months. It ended because my ex-fiance broke some of the rules we agreed on, that and the third person didn't want to pursue the relationship anymore. But there was never ever any jealousy.

Would I do it all again? Probably not. I tried it. It was fun, but my God it was hard work. Think one relationship is hard, try two... Certainly not for everyone that's for sure.

 

[cryptwarmer]

The not getting exposed to nasty diseases is definitely a plus. Condoms are satan's play things and I abhor them. I'd much rather use monogamy than a condom.

 

[POTN]

Anymore I think it's simply a question of capacity. We are less religious and there are more people deciding not to have kids. So the question probably comes down to, do the two people involved have the capacity to manage that kind of relationship structure, along with the communication and honesty to do it responsibly?

I know that I don't have the capacity for it. Relationships (especially long term relationships) are a LOT of work. I can't imagine having to do that twice. Long term relationships are like business partnerships. Where are WE going? Where are WE steering the ship? How is OUR relationship going? Adding another person is an exponential increase in complexity.

If you're just talking about short term "free to see other people," for dating and sex-type-stuff, I think that's possible. But I don't think it is, for most people, sustainable. My best friend is currently seeing several women, and falling for one of them, who already has a long-term partner. I think that is inevitable. Eventually, DATING loses it's inherent attraction and you end up looking for someone to share a life with. It's less visceral and exciting but more meaningful. Someone you can contribute to and be enriched by while accomplishing and living life OUTSIDE your relationship. Art, poetry, travel, family, volunteering, accomplishment.

There are probably exceptions who can make THAT work with three+ but I'd imagine they are the exceptions that prove the rule. Edit: And old-timey polyamory was solo male dominated so it doesn't count as a equality model for contemporary polyamory if that's the argument.

 

[Blair]

If you're just talking about short term "free to see other people," for dating and sex-type-stuff, I think that's possible. But I don't think it is, for most people, sustainable. My best friend is currently seeing several women, and falling for one of them, who already has a long-term partner. I think that is inevitable. Eventually, DATING loses it's inherent attraction and you end up looking for someone to share a life with. It's less visceral and exciting but more meaningful. Someone you can contribute to and be enriched by while accomplishing and living life OUTSIDE your relationship. Art, poetry, travel, family, volunteering, accomplishment.

I know a couple that do exactly that. Free to see other people, like an open relationship, and they make it work just fine.

 

[white avenger]

(I can't believe that I've totally missed this thread until now)

What's so special about monogamy? Why is it such a big deal?

My wife. She's the most amazing, wonderful person I have ever known, and I have had the great good fortune to convince her to put up with me and all of my weirdness. That's a treasure I have no intention whatsoever of sharing. Every other man in the world will just have to settle for second best.

 

[Anyanka Bunny Slayer]

I know a couple that do exactly that. Free to see other people, like an open relationship, and they make it work just fine.

I was involved with a married guy who had such an agreement with his wife. Their only rules were to use protection, no secrets, and no emotional attachments.

(Of course, I didn't know about any of this until much later...)

 

[white avenger]

I was involved with a married guy who had such an agreement with his wife. Their only rules were to use protection, no secrets, and no emotional attachments.

I had a friend in the Navy who had basically the same arrangement with his wife. They were "together" whenever, and as long as, we were in home port. When we went on a cruise, or he was even sent away to a school somewhere, they were both free to do whatever they pleased.

 

[November]

I had a friend in the Navy who had basically the same arrangement with his wife. They were "together" whenever, and as long as, we were in home port. When we went on a cruise, or he was even sent away to a school somewhere, they were both free to do whatever they pleased.

Oh! I have at least 3 friends who have babies from US Navy men. When the sailors come into Freo port, I guess there isnt much else to do. The eldest child I know is 8/9ish and has never known a father.

 

[HowiMetdaSlayer]

I don't think I'd want to be in a poly relationship. However I've been in a couple semi semi open ones (bring a guest in occasionally), though. 😉

 

[November]

Following on this topic, is my pure shock for the acceptance and casual attitude towards sexual health in the 20's age group. Perhaps this advertisement hit more fear in me than others in my developing years. It didnt cross my mind to have casual sex without condoms ever. And while they are not comfortable for either party it is not worth the risk of STI's with a one night stand or on someone who wont support you if its a life changing illness.

My brain is not working too well today - hope the link works - its an advertisement that was wide spread in AUstralia in the 1980's. Is aids no longer an issue?

The sailors reminded me - there would be a new wave of STI's to our isolated state after they had been through in the 90's. It was kinda a known thing that they would be carrying them - although perhaps this isnt just for my city.


Also wanted to bring up the male contraception stuff - I am sure you have seen trials over the years and that the latest fb media says men didnt like the side effects...

 

[Anyanka Bunny Slayer]

Following on this topic, is my pure shock for the acceptance and casual attitude towards sexual health in the 20's age group. Perhaps this advertisement hit more fear in me than others in my developing years. It didnt cross my mind to have casual sex without condoms ever. And while they are not comfortable for either party it is not worth the risk of STI's with a one night stand or on someone who wont support you if its a life changing illness.

My brain is not working too well today - hope the link works - its an advertisement that was wide spread in AUstralia in the 1980's. Is aids no longer an issue?

The sailors reminded me - there would be a new wave of STI's to our isolated state after they had been through in the 90's. It was kinda a known thing that they would be carrying them - although perhaps this isnt just for my city.


Also wanted to bring up the male contraception stuff - I am sure you have seen trials over the years and that the latest fb media says men didnt like the side effects...

Well, these kids weren't alive when the AIDS thing burst onto the scene...with people becoming horrifyingly sick, and dying. I don't think it even registers in their mind that they could die from a sexual encounter. But that's how its always been, with each generation of younger people. The "Superman" attitude of, "Oh, those things happen to other people...not me."

Sadly, these days we have STDs that have mutated to the point where they're nearly IMPOSSIBLE to kill. Strains that are resistant to the majority of medicines. (Not like the good old days, when syphilis & gonorrhea were all one had to worry about)

Men have always shied away from anything that might detract from their "manliness." I think its a subconscious, macho thing. Instinct pushes them to plant that seed...anyway, condoms are evil and must be stopped.

 

[Blair]

Oh I remember the Chaser's doing a skit with the Grim reaper, saying how he's been out of business with those ads.

It definitely sucks with the attitude of today's generation. I wish in high school there was sex education for gays and lesbians. I had a STI scare a couple of years back. Didn't even cross my mind (Anyways, it was fine)

I did see that study with men contraception. I'm one of those people who react really badly to the pill, but surely they could of continued the study without those men who reacted badly. There were like 10 out of 110 or something right?

 

[Blaze]

Following on this topic, is my pure shock for the acceptance and casual attitude towards sexual health in the 20's age group.

To be honest my generation got near zero sex ed and I think that's a big issue. All they tell us in school is don't have sex and if you do use a condom. They don't teach about oral sex or any of the other ways you can contract STIs. It's a big problem.

It definitely sucks with the attitude of today's generation. I wish in high school there was sex education for gays and lesbians. I had a STI scare a couple of years back. Didn't even cross my mind (Anyways, it was fine)

Yes! This! No one ever told me anything about safe sex between two girls. I once even had a doctor (yes, you got that right, doctor!) told me there was no risk. I also had a doctor refuse testing because I had never had sex with a man, and clearly sleeping with a woman doesn't count. Sex education needs to be improved.

I'm one of those people who react really badly to the pill, but surely they could of continued the study without those men who reacted badly. There were like 10 out of 110 or something right?

There's such a big double standard when it comes to health care and male/females. You can see it when you just go to the hospital, often times female pain will be discredited. I once had mono, pneumonia, an ear infection, and a potential heart problem (which turned out fine, but could have been very dangerous) (and yes, all at once), and I had to see 4 different doctors, and 1 specialist, before someone even agreed to test me, all the previous doctors sent me home with no medication and a diagnosis for a cold. It's a good thing I'm young with a strong immune system, I was in such bad shape it could have ended a lot worst. . Anyway, point being, doctors have often not taken female pain seriously. When they created the pill in the 60s, they completely ignored the side effects some people got and said sure, good enough, were putting it out on the market. But now that males have experienced the same, they pulled the plug until they can actually improve the contraceptive and reduce side effect, something that should ALWAYS be done, or at least attempted, when people experience such bad side effects. The problem isn't that guys complained, as they should have. The problem is that they should have listened to the girls when they complained, and they should have improved the product.

 

[November]

The problem is that they should have listened to the girls when they complained, and they should have improved the product.

I agree.

The still dont listen to the girls.

I have my own pain/Mirena horror story, nor can take any hormone pills because they gave me a DVT. Now I am over the docs not taking woman seriously as that is so widespread it wont be stopped in time for it to help me. But the topic of why these side effects were ok for woman to endure but not men stinks more than I had ever thought.

Condoms are a necessary evil in this time. I was taught somewhat about oral sex - with other plastic devices that are also not human or enjoyable but I guess that is the comfort you give up for more than one sexual partner in your life. Testing is available, free here, they do it every time I have a pap smear. Wish they did something routinely like that for men too! I can literally take out my results before a sexual encounter. While I do not like that concept either - why is it considered that only woman need routine scrapings but men dont?

ETA sorry it doesnt make much sense re-reading but i cant edit it properly at this moment so i hope you get what i mean?

 

[Blair]

Yes! This! No one ever told me anything about safe sex between two girls. I once even had a doctor (yes, you got that right, doctor!) told me there was no risk. I also had a doctor refuse testing because I had never had sex with a man, and clearly sleeping with a woman doesn't count. Sex education needs to be improved.

When I was being tested I asked my doctor how two girls could have safe sex. He was all embarrassed I guess and simply said "Well it depends on what you do" and that was about as far as it went. Thanks Doc *eyeroll*
I did drop by a local gay support group and asked them. They gave me heaps of condoms and dental dams. And that started the story of how I found out I was allergic to latex...

There's such a big double standard when it comes to health care and male/females. You can see it when you just go to the hospital, often times female pain will be discredited. I once had mono, pneumonia, an ear infection, and a potential heart problem (which turned out fine, but could have been very dangerous) (and yes, all at once), and I had to see 4 different doctors, and 1 specialist, before someone even agreed to test me, all the previous doctors sent me home with no medication and a diagnosis for a cold. It's a good thing I'm young with a strong immune system, I was in such bad shape it could have ended a lot worst. . Anyway, point being, doctors have often not taken female pain seriously. When they created the pill in the 60s, they completely ignored the side effects some people got and said sure, good enough, were putting it out on the market. But now that males have experienced the same, they pulled the plug until they can actually improve the contraceptive and reduce side effect, something that should ALWAYS be done, or at least attempted, when people experience such bad side effects. The problem isn't that guys complained, as they should have. The problem is that they should have listened to the girls when they complained, and they should have improved the product.

First off, that is brutal that you had four things at once and you had to work hard to get seen to!!

When I first went on the pill for medical reasons I reacted really badly. I really wanted to kill myself. My doctor's solution? "Just keep taking them. You'll be okay" I was crying for literally no reason. It was horrid.
I saw another doctor (a female doctor) who tried me on two others (she was really cool about it all) Anyways, I had bad reactions to both others and stopped taking them. My doctor was really cool and we tried another solution.

My point being, yes some women don't react well to the pill and can get severe depression and such. But with the guys? They just ditch the entire trial?? So stupid!