Revolver
Sir Douche
Romance was always a big part of the Buffyverse. Hearts broke around the world the day Angel turned evil and broke a young Buffy’s heart. A collective “isn’t that cute?” was uttered the first time Willow and Tara shared a moment together. And a whole lot of laughs resulted when Xander hooked up with a former demon calling herself Anya (though the end to their relationship was decidedly less funny than the beginning). I think it’s pretty clear to anyone with a fully-functioning brain that fans became quite invested in the various romances on the show. So, bearing that in mind, I think it’s time to really definitively answer the question that’s lingered in the minds of Buffy fans since day one (or whatever day people first asked the question): who should Buffy be with?
A number of candidates spring immediately to mind: Angel, Spike, Riley, that girl she slept with in the comic book I never bothered reading, as well as less conventional choices like Xander, Giles, or even Clem (come on, there was something there). But the fact of the matter is none of these people are right for the Buffster. Buffy and I were always meant to end up together, and I intend to prove it using nothing but logical fallacies and complete b.s. (which, by the way, doesn’t stand for Buffy Summers).
Let’s start with Angel (much like viewers who watched the two shows in an incorrect sequence). Okay, so the guy was good looking and heroic. Big deal. At least one third of that description describes me (I’m a guy), and I’m nothing special. But I suppose you want better reasons than that? No problem. Have you ever stopped and imagined what it would be like to hang around with Angel for five minutes? The guy isn’t exactly the life of the party (side note: there’s no relation between this sentence and the episode of Angel also called life of the party). He could do an instructional video on how to brood. Plus, he and Buffy can’t exactly get physical together, and a girl has certain needs in that department (so I’m told, my ex-girlfriends didn’t seem to have this need). Basically, as we all know, one moment of perfect happiness turns Angel into a killer that makes Sylar from Heroes look like Mickey Freakin’ Mouse. So what’s Buffy supposed to do? Tell him something along the lines of, “I’ll marry you, but you have to promise me you’ll never be happy again!” While there are probably plenty of people who’ve entered into similar marriages, most of those marriages probably sucked. You can’t always be happy in life, but you should always WANT to be! Angel can’t. Buffy can…..without him. Sorry Liam, you’ve just been kicked to the curb.
Next we come to a Mr. Riley Finn. You remember him, right? A self-righteous Iowan whose hobbies include studying psychology and getting bitten by vampires for pleasure? And we’re supposed to be impressed by this guy because, what, he went to college? His studies obviously didn’t give him much insight into human behavior because he failed to notice his professor and mentor was completely insane and he didn’t even understand why his relationship with Buffy was being placed on the backburner while HER MOTHER WAS DYING. I’m not going to spend too much time talking about Riley though because a) it’s pretty apparent why he sucks b) he’s not interesting enough to read about for a full minute and c) the dude’s already married so that kind of makes him the wrong guy for Buffy automatically. And it’s not like there’s some kind of magical piece of paper that can make a vow go away. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t disapprove of Buffy being involved with an Iowan, I just have a different one in mind (more of that later).
But wait! What about William The Bloody (also known in some circles as Spike)? Oh yeah. I nearly forgot about that guy. Thanks for reminding me. I know what you’re thinking now. I’ve proven Angel and Riley are wrong for Buffy but I forgot about Spike and surely I don’t have any reasons why he’s wrong with Buffy. WRONG! I have plenty of reasons. I could even go on for three or four sentences about why they’re wrong for each other. Let’s start with the obvious: he tried to rape her one time! I know, I know….he didn’t have a soul then. Let’s not dwell on that. There’s no point in ruining a perfectly good argument by pointing out the flaws in it. At least that’s what a lot of Republicans think (I kid, republicans, I kid!). So, from here on out, we’ll try to concentrate only on things Spike did while he had a soul. When Spike was recoporialized after a brief but memorable stint as a ghost in LA, what was the first thing he did? If you answered, run off to have sex with his completely evil ex-girlfriend, congratulations! You haven’t actually won a prize, but you answered correctly and that should be enough (unless you’re greedy). They may, technically, have not been together at that time but that didn’t stop Rachel from yelling at Ross, now did it? If Spike had truly loved Buffy, he’d have gone after her right away instead of sleeping with Harmony and making excuses about how he didn’t know what to say to her (that excuse only applies when your friend is urging you to go talk to a stranger in a bar). Besides, what exactly would Spike say to Buffy in their wedding vows: you’re so effulgent? Even I’ve got better lines than that (though don’t ask me to prove it because I most likely can‘t).
At this point, if you ignore all other possible contenders for Buffy’s heart, I’ve proven that none of them are right for her. You can try to prove me wrong, but at this point not even Johnny Cochran could prove me wrong (though, in fairness, he was a better lawyer when he was alive). It’s tragic that none of these relationships are right for Buffy, but it appears there is a silver lining (if you’re me). There is a guy out there who is right for Buffy and that guy’s name is Revolver (actually it’s not, but not everyone here knows my real name). I’m literally perfect for Buffy. I’m willing to overlook her flaws, such as her superiority complex, the fact that she has an annoying sister, and the fact that she’s a fictional character completely incapable of ever loving me back or being real in any sense. Last time I checked, I’m not a vampire either. I’d prove it but it’s really cold outside so I don’t want to step outside right now (plus it’s night, so the sun isn’t out anyway). But if you offered me a nice, tall cup of blood right now, I’d probably say no. That’s something, right? And remember how I complained about Spike sleeping with Harmony while he wasn’t involved with Buffy? Well, I’m no hypocrite. I haven’t slept with another woman for like 26 years! That should prove my loyalty (either that or my ineptitude with women). I also didn’t bother Buffy with my insecurities while her mother was dying. Not once. Though lord knows I shouted at the TV enough.
So, there you have it, shippers. From now on, it’s Ruffy all the way for you (or Buvolver….whichever sounds cooler). Don’t fight it. It’s meant to be.
A number of candidates spring immediately to mind: Angel, Spike, Riley, that girl she slept with in the comic book I never bothered reading, as well as less conventional choices like Xander, Giles, or even Clem (come on, there was something there). But the fact of the matter is none of these people are right for the Buffster. Buffy and I were always meant to end up together, and I intend to prove it using nothing but logical fallacies and complete b.s. (which, by the way, doesn’t stand for Buffy Summers).
Let’s start with Angel (much like viewers who watched the two shows in an incorrect sequence). Okay, so the guy was good looking and heroic. Big deal. At least one third of that description describes me (I’m a guy), and I’m nothing special. But I suppose you want better reasons than that? No problem. Have you ever stopped and imagined what it would be like to hang around with Angel for five minutes? The guy isn’t exactly the life of the party (side note: there’s no relation between this sentence and the episode of Angel also called life of the party). He could do an instructional video on how to brood. Plus, he and Buffy can’t exactly get physical together, and a girl has certain needs in that department (so I’m told, my ex-girlfriends didn’t seem to have this need). Basically, as we all know, one moment of perfect happiness turns Angel into a killer that makes Sylar from Heroes look like Mickey Freakin’ Mouse. So what’s Buffy supposed to do? Tell him something along the lines of, “I’ll marry you, but you have to promise me you’ll never be happy again!” While there are probably plenty of people who’ve entered into similar marriages, most of those marriages probably sucked. You can’t always be happy in life, but you should always WANT to be! Angel can’t. Buffy can…..without him. Sorry Liam, you’ve just been kicked to the curb.
Next we come to a Mr. Riley Finn. You remember him, right? A self-righteous Iowan whose hobbies include studying psychology and getting bitten by vampires for pleasure? And we’re supposed to be impressed by this guy because, what, he went to college? His studies obviously didn’t give him much insight into human behavior because he failed to notice his professor and mentor was completely insane and he didn’t even understand why his relationship with Buffy was being placed on the backburner while HER MOTHER WAS DYING. I’m not going to spend too much time talking about Riley though because a) it’s pretty apparent why he sucks b) he’s not interesting enough to read about for a full minute and c) the dude’s already married so that kind of makes him the wrong guy for Buffy automatically. And it’s not like there’s some kind of magical piece of paper that can make a vow go away. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t disapprove of Buffy being involved with an Iowan, I just have a different one in mind (more of that later).
But wait! What about William The Bloody (also known in some circles as Spike)? Oh yeah. I nearly forgot about that guy. Thanks for reminding me. I know what you’re thinking now. I’ve proven Angel and Riley are wrong for Buffy but I forgot about Spike and surely I don’t have any reasons why he’s wrong with Buffy. WRONG! I have plenty of reasons. I could even go on for three or four sentences about why they’re wrong for each other. Let’s start with the obvious: he tried to rape her one time! I know, I know….he didn’t have a soul then. Let’s not dwell on that. There’s no point in ruining a perfectly good argument by pointing out the flaws in it. At least that’s what a lot of Republicans think (I kid, republicans, I kid!). So, from here on out, we’ll try to concentrate only on things Spike did while he had a soul. When Spike was recoporialized after a brief but memorable stint as a ghost in LA, what was the first thing he did? If you answered, run off to have sex with his completely evil ex-girlfriend, congratulations! You haven’t actually won a prize, but you answered correctly and that should be enough (unless you’re greedy). They may, technically, have not been together at that time but that didn’t stop Rachel from yelling at Ross, now did it? If Spike had truly loved Buffy, he’d have gone after her right away instead of sleeping with Harmony and making excuses about how he didn’t know what to say to her (that excuse only applies when your friend is urging you to go talk to a stranger in a bar). Besides, what exactly would Spike say to Buffy in their wedding vows: you’re so effulgent? Even I’ve got better lines than that (though don’t ask me to prove it because I most likely can‘t).
At this point, if you ignore all other possible contenders for Buffy’s heart, I’ve proven that none of them are right for her. You can try to prove me wrong, but at this point not even Johnny Cochran could prove me wrong (though, in fairness, he was a better lawyer when he was alive). It’s tragic that none of these relationships are right for Buffy, but it appears there is a silver lining (if you’re me). There is a guy out there who is right for Buffy and that guy’s name is Revolver (actually it’s not, but not everyone here knows my real name). I’m literally perfect for Buffy. I’m willing to overlook her flaws, such as her superiority complex, the fact that she has an annoying sister, and the fact that she’s a fictional character completely incapable of ever loving me back or being real in any sense. Last time I checked, I’m not a vampire either. I’d prove it but it’s really cold outside so I don’t want to step outside right now (plus it’s night, so the sun isn’t out anyway). But if you offered me a nice, tall cup of blood right now, I’d probably say no. That’s something, right? And remember how I complained about Spike sleeping with Harmony while he wasn’t involved with Buffy? Well, I’m no hypocrite. I haven’t slept with another woman for like 26 years! That should prove my loyalty (either that or my ineptitude with women). I also didn’t bother Buffy with my insecurities while her mother was dying. Not once. Though lord knows I shouted at the TV enough.
So, there you have it, shippers. From now on, it’s Ruffy all the way for you (or Buvolver….whichever sounds cooler). Don’t fight it. It’s meant to be.
