Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

[anyatara]

Okay, I know people say Life is hard, but this is just to much. I know I shouldn't post this stuff online for safety reason, but I'm angry, need advice and frankly I don't care about safety anymore.

About three or four months ago, I fell out with one of my best friends, I thought we'd get over it, I did, but when I tried to make friends with her she said 'I wouldn't ever dare make friends with you' infront of everyone...Let's just say, I was humiliated. I got over it, and I thought everything was going fine now.

There's a trip to France coming up next month, we go for the week and stay over all together. I thought it would be cool, my two best friends were going, so I was fine...Until I found out the mean girl was going, too. That wouldn't be such a problem, except my two 'friends' decided they like her better than me. My main best friend said she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore and has started going off with the mean girl, and the other girl is going with them, too.

I'm down to about one friend, and I'm not even close to her. My Mum doesn't want me to go to France anymore, and she said I might even have to move schools, but I don't want to. Sure I get picked on by nearly everyone and things are getting worse, but surely things'll get better. I just, really hate this now. I thought things would get better, then a girl I know found out (No idea how) that I used to cut myself a few times, and so she told loads of people, now even more people think I'm a freak.

I really don't know if I trust anyone anymore. This whole thing started 'cause of rumours, and I think I might lose my best friend, I mean, I've already lost her, but I have the chance to get her back, but I'm to shy and quiet to try anything. God, I hate this. I don't know if any of that made sense, but is there anything I can do?

 

[Blondie Bear]

Oh, honey. *hug* I hate that high school is being so mean to you. I know exactly where you're coming from, too, because the same basic thing happened to me; I ended up with no friends through middle school and then didn't know how to relate to people in high school so I didn't really have any friends then, either. At least you've got us to talk to! That's something. Otherwise, all I can suggest is to either try to find some new friends--if you can--or just wait it out. Hopefully, as these people mature, they'll stop being idiots. And if they don't, you've only got about 5 years til you graduate, and I know it seems long now, but it really goes much faster than you think. Then you can go to college, and guess what? In college nobody cares if you were "cool" or "popular" in high school; they're all too busy with classes. So if they hang out with you, you know they like you and aren't just being shallow. (Unless, of course, you join a sorority, and then it's just like high school only with beer and sex.)

But like I said, we're always here for you, and if you need a shoulder to (metaphorically) cry on, you know how to PM me!

 

[anyatara]

Thanks. Three and a half more years I'm outta this hell hole, but that really is a hell of a long time 🙁 I just wish things could be easier NOW.

 

[Joyce Summers]

Oh honey! I am so sorry things are going so bad for you! I've been there. When I was about...your age actually funnily enough...a very similar happened to me. My best friend of like basically ten years suddenly decided I wasn't cool enough to be friends with and totally ditched me for these other not-very-pleasant-and-hopefully-they're-flipping-burgers-now people.

It's nothing wrong with you, if anything it's something wrong with them, but it's just how middle school and high school is unfortunately. People are mean and the important thing is to try to not let it get to you. I know that's such a cliche and it's easy to say and less easier to do but I'm afraid it's true.

You could try joining clubs- school or non-school related ones- and make friends that way. They tend to be a lot firmer friendships too. But I'm afraid you don't ever get your solid friendships till you're about 15/16 as that's when everyone is beginning to grow up and you start becoming friends with people of similar interests etc. I know that may seem a long way off, but trust me your time will come. For everything.

And like BB said College is a lot better than all other education systems as people just don't care- everyone is who they are and friendships are formed through that.

As for France, I'd hate for you to miss out on such a great opportunity because of this. Maybe you could find out any others who are going on the trip and if they seem nice and/or you might get on with them ask if you can hang with them for the trip. It's what I did with a group of people when I was a Freshman in High School and well, I'm still friends with three of them years and years on. Things just work out that way sometimes. So that's really my only advice for that.

I just hope things get better for you soon, and like BB said you've still got all of us. Just wish people in your school were as cool as all of us (yes because we are cool. Every.Last.One.Of.Us. We're also a little strange but hey. 🙂)

 

[anyatara]

Thanks, for the advice.

And as for the French thing, everyone else going is 'Popular' I have some friends going but they're guys and girls and guys aren't really allowed to hang out on the trip.

 

[Joyce Summers]

Guys and girls not allowed to hang out? I get if it was rooms and not sharing guy/girl there, but not allowed to hang out? That's unfair.

But then I'm not really sure how to advise ya there. If you really, really want to go then I would say don't let how those girls are making you feel stop you. Go and order yourself to have some fun. If however, you really feel you don't want to go then well, I guess you could drop out. But think really hard about it before you make the decision. Just in cases.

 

[anyatara]

I really don't know anymore. To be honest, it all depends on my best friend, I wish she'd stop distancing her self from me, if she doesn't want to be friends, fine, I just feel like she's using me. But I don't know if I should confront her or not, I feel lame and shy doing things like that.

 

[Vicariously]

ok this may come out as sounding harsh but please please keep in mind that that is not my intent in the least.

I know that it must hurt to know that these people truly aren't your friends. INCLUDING your so called Best friend. In my own personal opinion she doesnt deserve the title of best and honeslty probally not friend either. A friend stands beside you no matter what. You are not "not cool enough fo them". Personally I would not want to be friends with someone who doesnt value me enough to admit the friendship to others. you have to be strong enough to value yourself more than that.

A friend is someone that will stick with you, if they turn their back because you arent "cool enough' are they going to turn when things get really hard. ABSOLUTELY! I am sorry if that sounds harsh. but it is the truth!

I know that this is most likely an amazingly hard struggle for you. You confided a secret to someone who then then turned it into gossip. My feeling is she doesnt have a clue as to what it means to deal with the disorder of cutting. Dont hide. Come out....speak up. BE PROUD. Cutting yourself is nothing to be proud of obviously but overcoming the disorder is! People so often consider people who cut to be a freak because they cant comprehend why? I do not think you are a freak hun. I think that you are a champion. I think that you have felt intense emotional pain and you cut yourself to help control that pain. You made it tangable.

I am proud of you and I dont even know you. I am proud that you had the courage to stop.

you'd be surprised how much strangth you have darling. Dont be afraid to be you. Dont be afraid to stand up for yourself. Its like I told my husband the other day...I would rather have no "friends" than to be untrue to myself. I only want people in this life that value me for me.

Much love to you darling. Take care!

 

[palabravampiress]

Well... here's some hope.

When I was a Freshman, I had a bunch of problems. Kids made fun of me a lot (because I had a bad knee and had to take the chair lift up and down the stairs to classes). I had a slight heart problem, too. I sometimes passed out. I was on crutches. I was really skinny and pale. Worst of all, some of the teachers and staff were mean to me, too, and that sort of encouraged the mean kids. Looking back, I think they were mean to me because they thought I didn't need the special treatment. A heart condition isn't exactly overt. Also, I wasn't in a cast. I wore a knee brace under my pants -- big, baggy pants. lol. I had very few friends. And I had a mean girl who sort of competed with me for the attention of my two main friends. In this environment, my grades suffered a lot, too. Man, that was a hellish sort of year.

Things got better the next year, though. My parents were hard on me about my grades, so those went back up. That gave me a lot more confidence. 9th grade was in its own building in my district, so moving to the High School proper (away from the not-very-supportive staff) helped a lot. Best of all, my medical problems became more manageable. My mom convinced me to take more time with my appearance instead of hiding my body, so I got a bit of a makeover. I changed my hairstyle, got my braces off, got contacts, and got some outfits that showed off my body more (not so much as to be against the school dress code, just not the baggy, knee-brace-hiding stuff). All of this led to a more confident Palabra. By the end of high school, I had a lot of friends. I dated whomever I chose whenever I chose. I was the editor of the school paper. I was on the Principal's Cabinet and on the Superintendent's Cabinet. I had great parties. I had a rewarding job. You get the idea. The last three years of high school were really rewarding, exciting, and fun.

So have hope. The fact that your freshman year is strange and awkward and generally the pits doesn't mean that the rest of high school has to be that way. A million things can and will happen between now and graduation day. Not all of them will be bad. You'll make more friends. You'll find extra-curriculars and elective classes that intrigue you. You'll join clubs. You'll date. You'll party. You'll work. I'll bet you'll even have a date to senior prom and a bunch of friends with whom to share the limo/hotel party/morning after breakfast at Waffle House (or whatever it is kids in your area do). We all go through a crappy, awkward time like that. For most of us, it does get better.

High school can be really fun. I have great memories of high school. Sure, there were always some kids who teased me - but no one goes through high school without being teased. I'm sure that the kids who teased me were teased, too. Heck, you might even tease them back. It's not the high road, but bullies are less likely to bully those who can dish it right back out. If worse comes to worse, just ignore the really mean kids. You're never going to get along with everyone. May as well focus your time on the ones with whom you do get along.


EDIT:
Go to Europe! You never know when you'll have another chance like that. Take it! Don't let silly mean girls keep you from going.

Also, I had a long-standing friendship with a certain girl. We stopped speaking over stupid things when we were roughly 16. In college, we kinda talked over IM a little bit and hung out a bit during summers. After college, though, we had grown up a lot. We ended up living in the same apartment complex, going to each other's weddings, and making time for one another whenever we were both in the same state. She even came to my husband and me during a very difficult and adult crisis (that, fortunately, worked out in the end). Now, we can't even remember why we stopped speaking all those years ago! People change and grow. A lost friendship now doesn't mean it can't be rediscovered later.

 

[anyatara]

I read both of those replies, and although they were two very different points...they both really helped, okay, so this stuff isn't gonna help me straight away, but you've really boosted my confidence, so thanks 🙂 I wish these things were the kind of things to blow over, but they're not. I'm so glad I have you guys here for me, thanks all of you 🙂

 

[Bangelxx]

Hey I'm really sorry about that.Its tough you know but we're all here for you!🙂 If you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.I won't judge you or anything like that and you'll probably make more friends at school soon anyway! and as for being a freak...you're not a freak! LOL you're really sweet and don't believe what any of them say!!!

 

[DarklyDreamingDrusilla]

I am really sorry that you have had to deal with people like this. It is a shame that people can be so shallow and treat people like that sometimes but it happens and I have had personal experience. I am also really shy when it comes to confronting people so I usually let them walk all over me which is not a good thing. I just hold my feelings and pain inside and I don't tell people how I really feel about what they are doing. I think that when I do tell them it works out to my benefit. I am able to patch up things and it feels great afterwards. I know that you can't just go up and do this right away to your friend because then she might tell other people about your talk but I think that if you see an oppurtunity where you can patch up the relationship and tell her how you feel you should. I am in my last few months of high school and I am glad that it is ending soon because I get to start over and all but I really did like my years in high school. They were hard at times when I didn't feel wanted by my (so called) friends but I got through it and made friends outside of school. This is another really great way to meet people. Try finding activities outside of school so you can meet people who have not already made a stupid assumption about who you are. It is a really great way to meet people. Also I don't know if you would be into this or not but theater is a great way to meet people. I did a lot of stage crew because I was shy but I met a lot of great people and when you are part of a cast everyone is close. So I wish you the best of luck with high school and I hope this helped you some and if not, I just want you to know that you are a great person and you should not let other people let you get down. I know it is hard not to let other people bother you but if they are just talk to one of us because I know we can bring you back up! =)

 

[Randy Giles]

High school can suck. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. And BTW, the fact that girls and guys aren't allowed to hang out is completely idiotic and old-fashioned. I wouldn't even bother going on a trip like that because when I was in early high school I had a lot more girl friends than guy friends because I pretty much loathed every male in school, they were really immature. (Glad I moved to a diff. school.)

Anyway, I'd like to make a point about the title of your thread. You don't have to look at bad things happening to you as a horrible curse. I mean, that's life. Even people who seem perfect probably aren't happy with their lives. The bad things in life can be a blessing if you let them be, the way you react and the things you learn from bad experiences shape you and you can really use negative experiences to help you mature and stuff. At least, with most things anyway.

Maybe you should re-evaluate your friendships as well, true friends don't treat each other that way.

 

[Lou]

Gosh, this makes me feel OLD being the one to actually have some advice on such things!

First of all, it happens to EVERYONE, so no matter what rumors people can drudge up about you, it doesn't matter. If it wasn't one thing, it would be another.

And I actually DO have some advice. A very good friend gave it to me and I swear it has worked EVERY TIME. In fact, not only am I still "friendly" with people I'm not friends with anymore, but friends with ALL my ex-boyfriends and even the girlfriends they had after me!

The trick is to be just ultra sweet and, at least PRETEND, to be supportive of those "against" you. Eventually, the pretending gets to stop because bad feelings fade. And YOU end up looking like Miss SUPER COOL because things roll off your back.

As in THIS situation. Splash some cold water on your face and bop up to your best friend as if nothing is going on. If she mentions the "mean girl", just shrug it off. Tell her you feel for her having to be stuck in the middle and pulled both ways and how hard it must be. Tell her YOU don't intend to make it harder on her by making her choose, because that's just mean. Then, just bop along as if nothing's wrong. If the Mean Girl says something, pretend you splashed water on your face and let it roll off. You can always sulk about it later.

She can't REALLY humiliate you. As long as you're being sweet as pie, she looks like a rabid dog attacking a bunny when she's mean. And YOU know what you've done. So she says you were cutting. Big deal. (Well, the cutting...not good...but her telling people is no big deal.) Maybe you did. It was in the past. And if it's not in the past and it's embarrassing...you can stop it. There are certainly WORSE issues.
And NO ONE is expected to be perfect. We ALL have embarrassing habits. Heck, my friends would DIE if they thought I was spending MY spare time on BUFFY boards! They ALL made fun of me for liking Barry Manilow and Musicals in High School.
It's misrable to be different at 13. I remember that much. And, every thing seems like a difference. I remember noticing things about myself that NO ONE gave a second thought about.
You have to remember that we're always harder on ourselves than other people are. There is a chance your best friend is being distant because she FEELS that you are distancing yourself bracing for her to pick the other girl.

You might also remember that we judge people for their actions but we want others to judge us for our intentions. The trick is to PLAN your actions as if they're going to be judged.

I do feel for you. It stinks. I'd try appealing to your best friend. She'd probably be VERY relieved to know you're not expecting her to jump in the middle and take sides.

GOOD LUCK! And WE love you! Then again, most of us are insane, but insane people are people too!