I think it's primarily because of these two reasons:
Seeing the person with whom we are speaking. Having someone sitting in front of you "calls up all of the history you have with that person or everything you can infer about that person and their prior experiences," says Sproull. "You can see if they're clean or dirty, appropriately or inappropriately dressed, if they look happy, attentive, enraged." And from those observations you begin to follow what Sproull calls "standard interaction scripts" and to treat people with a little greater understanding of who they are and the situation they are in.
Someone's reaction to us. In person, "we absorb a huge amount by the other person's body language," says Tom Sander, executive director of the Saguaro Seminar project on civic engagement at the Harvard Kennedy School. "Online, I can't see if you're yawning or nodding your head or checking your morning mail. It makes it hard to have high-quality, meaningful exchanges." And it's then impossible for you to tailor what you are saying to the person you are talking to.
If you cannot see the person you're talking to, it is easier to say and do things you ordinarily wouldn't. For example... for me (and I'll guess for others), it's easier to tell someone you have a crush on about your feelings online. Because even if they don't feel the same way, you don't have to see that. For the same reason, it's easier to say something mean. Because you don't have to see the expression on the person's face.
It goes back to the food for thought for Monday and the remembering that there are faces behind the usernames.
There were a couple other things in the article I thought were particularly great.
2. Read out loud. "It sounds so hokey," says Sproull, "but when you read something out loud, it reminds you that it is a message from you and not just disembodied text." Hearing your own words makes it "easier to imagine how your audience will hear them."
I do this with most of the things I post here because I found it helps me to sound less negative and mean... and also helps me to make sure I've worded myself so that I can read it back and understand it, and therefore, other people will better be able to understand it. Sometimes (not always), I also use that to catch typos. Then after I hit post, I usually go back and read it out loud again because usually I'm proud of what I've just posted. (then I go back and re-read out loud every post I get a rep comment on. It has nothing to do with being nice I guess... but it's a little quirk of mine I felt like sharing. haha)
3. Don't read into nonresponses. If you haven't gotten a response to an e-mail, don't assume you know why. "People often make assumptions, "˜Oh, they're blowing me off,' " says Sproull. But in real life there are at least 10 reasons why the person hasn't answered. "Maybe they didn't get your message, maybe they haven't had a chance to read it, maybe they agree with it and don't see any point in replying, maybe they got it, read it, and are still deciding how to respond." Since those options (and more) are possible, you're just harming yourself by making up a (likely negative) story about what the other person is thinking.
This is tough for me... but I think this goes in the physical world too. My role in various social groups tends to often be "the fun killer." I'm the person who will listen in on a fun conversation and be a part of the group laughing and having fun... and then I'll say something and join in... and everyone stops laughing and it gets awkward for a moment, and the conversation changes. Someone will be doing something fun (like bouncing a ball) and ask for someone to come join them. I come and (bounce the ball) with them and then almost immediately, they decide it's not fun anymore. I have a tendency to take this personally... but upon reading this little paragraph here, I realized something. 1. Just because people move on when I join in doesn't mean they hate me. and 2. Every group needs the person who helps them to notice when it's time to move on.
Moving out of the physical world and to virtual space... this is something that gets very difficult to remember. Because when we do this, we've often sent or posted something that has great emotional value to us. And, therefore, even if subconsciously, we're nervous about the response it will get. The longer it takes, the more it racks our nerves.
-----------------------------------------------------
Now I just feel I have to say this because of my emotional attachments to certain people I've met on the internet and not in the physical world... I did not like how this article often insinuated that relationships formed online are not meaningful and true. It didn't say relationships formed online cannot be meaningful and true, but it did kind of hint that they generally are not.
---------- Post added at 01:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:27 AM ----------
People act bad in the real world too. The internet isn't a special place. That's always been my experience anyway.
bolded emphasis mine.
So glad you said this. I think it is easier to be mean and hurtful on the internet, but I think this article did kind of look over the fact that people are mean and hurtful in the physical world too.
This part in particular:
5. Blame the medium. Let's say you do blow it and post a snarky comment or send a cranky e-mail. Remember, none of us have been trained to communicate with one another online, so we're learning this new mode of communication as we go. If you blow it one time, be compassionate with yourself and try to do better next time.
I thought that was really unfair. 1. because who knows what people were 'trained' (better word: taught) to behave on the internet? I was. We were taught proper internet communication in our typing class in 7th grade. We were taught in what context it's ok to use "text talk," we were taught how to be careful of our diction, we were taught different accepted ways of indicating sarcasm ([scarcasm]whatever you wanted to say[/sarcasm], *sarcasm* whatever you wanted to say *sarcasm*, *sarcasm* whatever you wanted to say *endsarcasm*, etc). 2. because if you're mean to someone, it is your fault. I'm not saying that to be mean... but if you slip and say something hurtful, it's not the internet's fault. Because the internet wasn't mean. You were. It's the same as in the physical world. If you're mean to someone, it's not the situation's fault. It's yours.
I view the internet in large part as just another social situation/context. It's kind of like the mall. At the mall, you're in public and there are lots of different places where you can go all in the same general spot. The same general social rules apply when talking about communication. It is impolite to yell at someone. it is not appropriate to call someone names. It is not appropriate to put someone down for their opinions. It is not appropriate to put someone down for their looks. etc. In general, being nice on the internet is not that much different from being nice in the physical world. It just requires a little more thought because you can't see the person...
