Why the Xander hate?

[zobothehobo]

No offense, but you clearly lack any understanding whatsoever of these characters. Cordy enjoys being bitchy and mean, heck, she calls Buffy a sick freak to her face only a few episodes later and it's Xander that has to pull them apart. Xander may go off on Buffy, but he does it because he cares that she's trying to run away again, or because he cares that she's sheltering Angel and endangering them all.

Excuse me? How am I supposed to take no offense to that? Yes, I know Cordy enjoys being bitchy and mean, I'm not an idiot, I watched the show. But I don't think that's what she was doing in this scene and she did SEVERAL times say things that would be "backhanded compliments." That's what I think she was trying to do here. I really do not appreciate you telling me I don't have any understanding whatsoever of the characters because I believe something different from you about a character's intentions in a certain scene.

I'm not going to deny Xander goes off on Buffy because he cares. But his way of caring is really obnoxious to me. He's one of those people who thinks they know what's best for everyone. What he thinks and believes is right. He totally lacks empathy and the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes but he's always telling them what to do and what's right, ESPECIALLY Buffy and it drives me crazy.

 

[The Unspoken]

I'm not going to deny Xander goes off on Buffy because he cares. But his way of caring is really obnoxious to me. He's one of those people who thinks they know what's best for everyone. What he thinks and believes is right. He totally lacks empathy and the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes but he's always telling them what to do and what's right, ESPECIALLY Buffy and it drives me crazy.

Ah yes, but it's Cordelia, who has perhaps spent the majority of her life publicly humiliating Willow, that's the saint here. As other posters have said, there's a clear double standard at work here and while you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to address that double standard.

Cordelia makes those comments precisely because she doesn't care. You could even argue she enjoys it.

 

[zobothehobo]

Ah yes, but it's Cordelia, who has perhaps spent the majority of her life publicly humiliating Willow, that's the saint here. As other posters have said, there's a clear double standard at work here and while you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to address that double standard.

Cordelia is not a saint here. Where did I say that? I said that I wish Buffy would have shut up and let her finish. Cordy was coming to Buffy's defense although she had to put her own little Cordy flair on it.

Cordelia makes those comments precisely because she doesn't care. You could even argue she enjoys it.

I don't buy that. I don't believe it one bit. It doesn't even make sense. Why would she "not care" enough to jump in in an argument she's not already in just so she could call Buffy a freak and then get cut off? And how could she have just KNOWN Buffy was going to cut her off? And why would she have told Xander "time out" and "put yourself in Buffy's shoes" if she wasn't trying to tell him to put himself in Buffy's shoes?

Kind of a double standard, don't you think?

I wasn't going to respond to this, but then The Unspoken said something about double standards, so I figured I'd nip this in the butt.

Maybe Xander was going to say something nicer too, had the zombies not attacked.

My evidence for believing Cordeila was going to say something in Buffy's defense that made sense is that she stepped in and told Xander he needed to put himself in her shoes. And most of the things Cordy said (even if they had mean things in them) actually made sense. It would have been incredibly out of character for Xander to say something nice here.

When Cordelia or Anya or Spike insult Buffy that's somehow considered hilarious but if Xander (or Riley for that matter) dares tell anything that's not 100% supportive he is a misogynist asshole. yes, I know, hyperbole, but it's a rather common attitude in fandom, IMO.

I don't think that at all. I think you're making snap judgement about me that I would appreciate if you would not make. Spike is the only character throughout the entire show I never hated. And I'll admit, I have a double standard for Spike and anyone else. I let him get by with SO much more in my mind than anyone else because he's Spike and I see more of myself in him than anyone else. But Cordelia and Anya... My first watch through Buffy I HATED Anya because of how mean she was to everyone. And I hated Cordy less than I hated Anya... but still a decent amount of hate. I dislike it whenever Anya or Cordelia thought they knew better than Buffy because they did. But in the early seasons, there were time Cordy did show that she understood other people's issues and that she cared about them, even a little... In other words, I think you're making Cordy's role in the first three seasons to be "Bitchy girl who never says or does anything nice and is a total pain in everyone's side." That's really unfair to the character and not the girl I saw.

Also for the record, I don't disagree ANY TIME Xander says something critical to Buffy... It's only the time Xander doesn't take Buffy and what she's feeling into consideration... like here in Dead Man's Party.


Also, something I'd like to say. In my latest re-watch, I discovered I like Xander a lot more than I thought I did. I mean, yeah, I get really angry at him... so mad I have to scream into a pillow sometimes... But I do find him a loveable guy much more often than I previously did. I think it had to do with this re-watch was slower so it was harder to hold grudges on everything he did. So please don't think that just because I completely despise Xander in Dead Man's Party means I hate the character completely.

 

[The Unspoken]

Cordelia is not a saint here. Where did I say that? I said that I wish Buffy would have shut up and let her finish. Cordy was coming to Buffy's defense although she had to put her own little Cordy flair on it.

She called her a freak and mocked her relationship with Angel and blamed her for Angelus' killing spree - and she was interrupted before she could insult Buffy even more. Doesn't sound much like a defense. It's actually worse than anything Xander said. Xander didn't blame her for Angelus, he only criticized her for running away, albeit very harshly.

And Cordelia actually continues to make these kind of comments in later episodes.

 

[zobothehobo]

She called her a freak and mocked her relationship with Angel and blamed her for Angelus' killing spree - and she was interrupted before she could insult Buffy even more. Doesn't sound much like a defense. It's actually worse than anything Xander said. Xander didn't blame her for Angelus, he only criticized her for running away, albeit very harshly.

I am going to say this one more time and if this way of saying it doesn't get it through, then I am out because this is making me very upset and angry. I believe that was just one of Cordy's... uh... how to put it... "mean tangents." She had a point and she got off topic saying whatever was in her head. I do not agree with everything Cordy said in this scene but I BELIEVE that if she was allowed to continue she would bring it back IN SOME WAY to "lay off, Buffy's got a lot to deal with and you're being a jerk." It would then be slightly humorous because of the fact she was also a jerk in the sentence before (the one you won't let go of). If that doesn't make sense, I'm out.

 

[The Unspoken]

I am going to say this one more time and if this way of saying it doesn't get it through, then I am out because this is making me very upset and angry. I believe that was just one of Cordy's... uh... how to put it... "mean tangents." She had a point and she got off topic saying whatever was in her head. I do not agree with everything Cordy said in this scene but I BELIEVE that if she was allowed to continue she would bring it back IN SOME WAY to "lay off, Buffy's got a lot to deal with and you're being a jerk." It would then be slightly humorous because of the fact she was also a jerk in the sentence before (the one you won't let go of). If that doesn't make sense, I'm out.

Yes, but she clearly cares so little for Buffy's feelings to begin with that she goes off on a meaningless tangent in which she calls her a freak, mocks her relationship with Angel and blames her for Angelus' killing spree. And that's just the tangent. I did think it was humorous, but also very mean-spirited. But to each their own.

 

[Icarium]

I'm not going to deny Xander goes off on Buffy because he cares. But his way of caring is really obnoxious to me.

And Cordelia's way is better? Really?

He's one of those people who thinks they know what's best for everyone.

Funny then how it's always Buffy who prevails in their arguments and yet Xander continues to trust and respect her.

He totally lacks empathy and the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes

You do realize this applies much better to Cordelia ("Oh, I hit a girl with my car and yet nobody cares about MY pain!") and yet you seem to be defending her?

I don't think that at all. I think you're making snap judgement about me that I would appreciate if you would not make.

No, I didn't. I only said this was a general attitude in fandom. And yes, I do realize it is a rather unfair generalization which I probably shouldn't have posted but I am tired of Xander being painted as the worst of the worst while the likes of Spike and Anya get praised for not being assholes all the time as if that's some grand achievement.

In other words, I think you're making Cordy's role in the first three seasons to be "Bitchy girl who never says or does anything nice and is a total pain in everyone's side."

I am saying that Cordelia has a long history of casually insulting everybody around her. Yes, she is more than that but if she seems rude to Buffy chances are she wanted to be rude, based on what we have seen before. When she wanted to help Buffy in When She Was Bad, she didn't exactly beat around the bush, so why assume she does that in DMP, especially considering that she supports Xander when he quarrels with Buffy in both Becoming I and Revelations?

 

[zobothehobo]

Yes, but she clearly cares so little for Buffy's feelings to begin with that she goes off on a meaningless tangent in which she calls her a freak, mocks her relationship with Angel and blames her for Angelus' killing spree. And that's just the tangent. I did think it was humorous, but also very mean-spirited. But to each their own.

I still think the humor in Cordy's character at this point is that she cares (the feeling behind the standing up), yet she doesn't because she's careless about saying everything that's in her head. That's what gives her depth. Is that she cares, but she's careless. And in this scene, I like to focus on the caring part not the careless part.

 

[The Unspoken]

I still think the humor in Cordy's character at this point is that she cares (the feeling behind the standing up), yet she doesn't because she's careless about saying everything that's in her head. That's what gives her depth. Is that she cares, but she's careless. And in this scene, I like to focus on the caring part not the careless part.

As opposed to her two best friends and her mother who are genuinely upset that she's trying to run away again?

 

[BuffyElevated]

Ok people, let's keep it civil in here, please!!

 

[prophecygrrl]

I don't hate Xander, but I don't like him much either. My dislike of him started in 'The Pack'. He tries to sexually assault Buffy, and while I don't think he should be held accountable for his actions since he was obviously possessed, he doesn't even apologize for it afterwards. He pretends to not remember anything! Even in 'Phases', when it's clear that he DID remember everything he did as a hyena-person, he still tries to cover it up. I get that it's embarrassing for him and Buffy apparently doesn't seem fazed by it (oddly...that's a really unusual reaction for a teenage girl in any circumstance), but he tried to rape his friend, and he puts his personal comfort first? Urrrrrgh. I hated when he did that. I think Xander has some redeeming qualities, but he's a really big jerk sometimes. There's plenty of other moments (that have probably already been discussed- I haven't gone back and read through this thread) that really turned me off Xander too.

 

[Doppelgang]

I've never really got the Xander hate personally, I've always sympathised with him more than most of the characters because he's one of the only characters without any super powers and he just has to do the best he can with what he's got. He adds a human element to the show where it would often otherwise be lacking.

I don't see him as judgmental, or a "right man" as some have tried to portray him, he is much less judgmental than Buffy can often be and he is much more able than her to see anothers point of view, as we see in the season 6 finale for instance. He even becomes the voice of reason often in season 7 when the other characters are losing their heads.

Also, the Zeppo and the Pack are both good episodes precisely because of the human element xander adds to the show, showing how we all have strengths and weaknesses rather than being all good or bad

 

[prophecygrrl]

I've never really got the Xander hate personally, I've always sympathised with him more than most of the characters because he's one of the only characters without any super powers and he just has to do the best he can with what he's got. He adds a human element to the show where it would often otherwise be lacking.

I don't see him as judgmental, or a "right man" as some have tried to portray him, he is much less judgmental than Buffy can often be and he is much more able than her to see anothers point of view, as we see in the season 6 finale for instance. He even becomes the voice of reason often in season 7 when the other characters are losing their heads.

Also, the Zeppo and the Pack are both good episodes precisely because of the human element xander adds to the show, showing how we all have strengths and weaknesses rather than being all good or bad

I dunno, I think personally I found the human element of the show in Buffy, Dawn, Joyce, Giles, and a lot of other characters. All of them were heavily flawed and still human at the end of the day. Heck, I even thought the non-human characters offered interesting insight and commentary on humanity. I didn't really connect with Xander in the same way I connected with Buffy or Dawn. It felt like the fact that he had no special powers was reiterated again and again by the writers, when really- is that supposed to be a handicap? Having powers isn't necessarily a good thing. Buffy's Slayer powers are a burden for most of the series, and Willow's end up nearly consuming her.

I'm very back and forth on Xander, because like I said, I think he does have some redeeming qualities. I like that he thinks of Buffy as a hero, for example, but sometimes I also dislike him for it. I think for that reason he holds Buffy up to an impossibly high standard, and on many, many occasions he shames and judges her for her choices when he has absolutely no right to do so. The fact that I can probably pinpoint his exact opinion of every relationship/love interest Buffy's ever had, and I can't do the same for Willow or Giles or any of the other Scoobies in her life speaks to that, I think. He's so heavily invested in her relationships, and the only reason I can think why (since he goes far beyond 'concerned friend' a lot of the time) is because he believes he is entitled to his judgment. And ugh. That's just really gross.

 

[Icarium]

He's so heavily invested in her relationships, and the only reason I can think why (since he goes far beyond 'concerned friend' a lot of the time) is because he believes he is entitled to his judgment.

Yes, that's the only reason, sure...but only if you happen to ignore that two of Buffy's three long term relationships were with creatures who by their very nature made said relationships very much a matter of public safety. If in real life someone insists on dating a serial killer, do you think her friends would be likely to say "Okay" and not really care how this relationships goes (which is pretty much what Buffy and Willow did with Anya which for me personally is way more irresponsible than Xamder sometimes saying that Buffy/Angel isn't the greatest idea ever)? And I also have a major problem with disagreements being described as "judgements". So Xander thinks Buffy might not be right in every situation? Big deal. Buffy doesn't think Xander is always right either, is she a terrible friend too? She has sometimes criticized the romantic choices of her friends but oddly enough no one describes this as shaming or judgement. She thinks Giles having a girlfriend is "gross" because he is "so old". Ageist judgemental bitch! See where I am going with this hyperbole?

I think for that reason he holds Buffy up to an impossibly high standard, and on many, many occasions he shames and judges her for her choices when he has absolutely no right to do so.

Many, many occasions? I'd like examples, please.

 

[prophecygrrl]

Yes, that's the only reason, sure...but only if you happen to ignore that two of Buffy's three long term relationships were with creatures who by their very nature made said relationships very much a matter of public safety. If in real life someone insists on dating a serial killer, do you think her friends would be likely to say "Okay" and not really care how this relationships goes? And I also have a major problem with disagreements being described as "judgements". So Xander thinks Buffy might not be right in every situation? Big deal. Buffy doesn't think Xander is always right either, is she a terrible friend too? She has sometimes criticized the romantic choices of her friends but oddly enough no one describes this as shaming or judgement. She thinks Giles having a girlfriend is "gross" because he is "so old". Ageist judgemental bitch! See where I am going with this hyperbole?

But it's not real life, and as it's been pointed out before, Xander doesn't have any problem dating Anya. She's not a current demon, but she also doesn't show remorse for her past actions or much regard for human life for a very long time. If we are talking about real life, doesn't she qualify as a psychopath, similar to a serial killer?

And as for Buffy criticizing Giles, I don't think that's very relevant. It's played for laughs exactly because it's clearly irrational of Buffy to say that about an adult man. Xander's criticisms are actually taken seriously, both in the text and in fandom.

Also, a lot of the time, it's not even that he doesn't approve of her relationships, it's the nature of his disapproval. He constantly slut-shames Buffy, and that's red flag number one for me. If his disagreement was only because he's looking out for their safety, that's another thing. But in multiple instances, it's clear that he's jealous and his behavior is for personal reasons. Like in 'Surprise', he even talks about a fantasy he has of "winning" Buffy like a prize away from Angel:

GILES: They should be back by now.
WILLOW: Maybe Buffy needed a few minutes to pull herself together. (sad) Poor Buffy, on her birthday and everything.
XANDER: Hmm. It's sad, granted. But let's look at the upside for a moment. I mean, what kind of a future would she have really had with him? (as if doing a comedy routine) She's got two jobs: Denny's waitress by day, Slayer by night. And Angel's always in front of the TV with a big blood belly, and he's dreaming of the glory days when Buffy still thought this whole 'creature of the night' routine was a big turn-on.
WILLOW: (disturbed) You've thought way too much about this.
XANDER: (excited) No, no! That's just the beginning. Have I told you the part where I fly into town in my private jet and take Buffy out for prime rib?
WILLOW: (as Buffy enters, trying to shut him up) Xander...
XANDER: (laughing) And she cries?

Relationships are personal issues, so yeah, I'd still say he's still in no position to disagree with them. Buffy and the rest aren't perfect when it comes to judging others either, but Xander's the one who does it most consistently...at least Buffy and the rest grow out of it after Cordelia. Anyway, I think disagreements cross over into judgments when he judges their personal character. Which he does a lot.

Many, many occasions? I'd like examples, please.

I'm probably missing a lot because tbh I'm a little busy atm, but starting off with Prophecy Girl, after being (respectfully) turned down by Buffy, his first reaction is to mock her attraction to Angel. Right. Like, I get his animosity towards Angel, but to insult Buffy for it just reeks of entitlement to me, as if Buffy's in the wrong for daring to have her own feelings. At this point she isn't even dating him either, so no, there's not really any pressing danger. Simply jealous, entitled behavior.

In Becoming:

Buffy: "What happened to Angel wasn't his fault."
Xander: "Yeah, but what happened to Ms. Calendar is. You can paint this any way you want, but the way I see it is that you wanna' forget all about Ms. Calendar's murder so you can get your boyfriend back."

It's clear that he disapproves of Angel throughout, but his comment about Jenny Calendar's death doesn't make much sense because out of all of them (except for maybe Buffy) he had the least connection to her, and so it just feels like he's objectifying her death to shame Buffy into killing Angel/Angelus. Not to mention Giles, who Jenny's death affected the MOST, is standing right there and even he didn't stoop so low. (This is really another thing I dislike about Xander- the way he throws a person's mistakes in their face like that to make a personal point. I mean, really? Geez, man.)

And Entropy, Xander shows again that he thinks he has the right to judge other people's sexual choices, and not just because those choices pose a danger to society:

XANDER: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?

ANYA: Where do you get off judging me?

XANDER: When this is your solution to our problems; I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.

ANYA: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure little boy!

XANDER: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you - and I feel sick - 'cause you had sex with that.

Yeah...Can't say I'm a fan.

 

[WakingNightmare]

Alright, I've avoided this thread long enough.

Xander is an extremely flawed character. He's judgmental, hypocritical and in some cases he can be needlessly cruel. He's got to many downfalls to mention but that's what I love about him.

In any form of storytelling and fiction there's nothing more annoying than a "perfect" character. Flawless heroes that are always just and in the right and never make mistakes, villains that are bad and evil no matter what. You get the idea? Characters like these are incredibly fake.

I love Xander because his shades of gray make him more human than any other character in BTVS. He is stupid, jealous, can be completely insensitive, he interferes in things that aren't his business. But don't even get me started on his good qualities.

I wouldn't want him any other way. 😀

 

[Icarium]

But it's not real life, and as it's been pointed out before, Xander doesn't have any problem dating Anya. She's not a current demon, but she also doesn't show remorse for her past actions or much regard for human life for a very long time. If we are talking about real life, doesn't she qualify as a psychopath, similar to a serial killer?

Of course she does, I even mentioned it in my post. My point was that I find much more believable for Xander to think Buffy is out of her mind to date vampires than for Willow and Buffy to think that Xander dating Anya is totally fine.

Relationships are personal issues, so yeah, I'd still say he's still in no position to disagree with them.

Even when we are talking about relationships put him in very real danger of being killed?

It's clear that he disapproves of Angel throughout, but his comment about Jenny Calendar's death doesn't make much sense because out of all of them (except for maybe Buffy) he had the least connection to her, and so it just feels like he's objectifying her death to shame Buffy into killing Angel/Angelus.

Well, Buffy was trying to get her boyfriend back. If the Big Bad was any other vampire he would have been staked in Innocence. Trying to shame Buffy into killing Angel wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It's not as if there was a clear good choice and Xander was only trying to trick Buffy because he had an irrational hatred of Angel. He could have been all "I told you that bastard was up to no good, so kill, kill!" right after Innocence but he supported Buffy, instead.

And Entropy, Xander shows again that he thinks he has the right to judge other people's sexual choices, and not just because those choices pose a danger to society:

I think it's gross oversimplification to reduce it to "judging sexual choices". Apart from a bit of initial grumbling while he was processing the idea Xander has no problem with Willow sleeping with a werewolf. He doesn't fight with Willow for not telling him earlier about Tara. When everyone in the comics suspects Buffy might be nuts for sleeping with a certain bad guy, do they make a judgement about her sexual choices or is it a bit more complicated than that?

Also, a lot of the time, it's not even that he doesn't approve of her relationships, it's the nature of his disapproval. He constantly slut-shames Buffy

He did? When?

But in multiple instances, it's clear that he's jealous and his behavior is for personal reasons. Like in 'Surprise', he even talks about a fantasy he has of "winning" Buffy like a prize away from Angel:

People can have multiple motivations. Being jealous of Angel doesn't mean Xander also doesn't consider Buffy/Angel a stupid idea for a more objective reason. And I am pretty sure the fantasy you are quoting was him exaggerating quite a bit and mentions nothing about "winning" Buffy. Not that I see much wrong if he fantasized about that, mind you, unless winning is a code-word for "raping". So he has a fantasy about his unrequited crush become less unrequited? Buffy has a dream along these lines about Parker in Beer Bad, is that somehow insulting for Parker? People are selfish when it comes to love, I don't know many whose fantasies are about how the man or woman of their dreams is with someone else.

 

[prophecygrrl]

Alright, I've avoided this thread long enough.

Xander is an extremely flawed character. He's judgmental, hypocritical and in some cases he can be needlessly cruel. He's got to many downfalls to mention but that's what I love about him.

In any form of storytelling and fiction there's nothing more annoying than a "perfect" character. Flawless heroes that are always just and in the right and never make mistakes, villains that are bad and evil no matter what. You get the idea? Characters like these are incredibly fake.

I love Xander because his shades of gray make him more human than any other character in BTVS. He is stupid, jealous, can be completely insensitive, he interferes in things that aren't his business. But don't even get me started on his good qualities.

I wouldn't want him any other way. 😀

I don't think anyone is looking for a perfect or flawless character though. Just for some of us, his bad qualities outnumber his good ones. 🙂

 

[NY State of Mind]

I have no problem with Xander....i think he has better qualities than bad ones IMO

 

[prophecygrrl]

Even when we are talking about relationships put him in very real danger of being killed?

Souled Angel never killed a human being on BtVS, and his dislike/distrust of Angel continued even after Angel proved to be on their side and before he lost his soul. I can understand the Spike thing to some extent, but when late Season 5 and Season 6 comes around, he trusts Spike enough to fight beside them. I don't think he thinks of Spike as a threat to his life after that.

Well, Buffy was trying to get her boyfriend back. If the Big Bad was any other vampire he would have been staked in Innocence. Trying to shame Buffy into killing Angel wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It's not as if there was a clear good choice and Xander was only trying to trick Buffy because he had an irrational hatred of Angel. He could have been all "I told you that bastard was up to no good, so kill, kill!" right after Innocence but he supported Buffy, instead.

Maybe, but his tone is incredibly dismissive and even in 'Dead Man's Party' he likens her situation with Angel to 'boy troubles'. It's unfair of him to judge her in that way, IMO. I don't think any rational person could ever call what Buffy went through 'boy troubles'. Something obviously traumatic happened to her in Becoming, even if he didn't know what actually went down. I can't help but think that he wouldn't have so condescendingly dismissed Buffy's feelings if he actually respected her to make her own choices. Buffy messes up, but it's clear after Passion that she carries Ms. Calendar's death on her own shoulders. She's embraced her duty as the Slayer before, even sacrificing her own life in 'Prophecy Girl'. She really doesn't need Xander to judge her so harshly. And yeah, I get that it's harsh and it's a tense situation, but does he ever apologize? No...

I think it's gross oversimplification to reduce it to "judging sexual choices". Apart from a bit of initial grumbling Xander while he was processing the idea has no problem with Willow sleeping with a werewolf. He doesn't fight with Willow for not telling him earlier about Tara. When everyone in the comics suspects Buffy might be nuts for sleeping with a certain bad guy, do they make a judgement about her sexual choices or is it a bit more complicated than that?

Well no, Willow sleeping with Oz and Tara doesn't actually hurt him or pose a threat to him. Anya sleeping with Spike? Totally. And his indignation there is all about the fact that she had sex with him. He even explicitly says so, twice. "You let him touch you", blah blah blah.

He did? When?

For Buffy in particular, the worst example of slut-shaming I can think of is in Seeing Red:

BUFFY: Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.

XANDER: It used to be.

BUFFY: It just happened, okay.

XANDER: Oh, like, "Say, you're evil. Get on me."?

BUFFY: (ticked) You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn --

XANDER: But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?

BUFFY: You're asking me that? Oh, 'cause your decision making skills have really sparkled lately.

So much rage at this scene. Because it's clear that his problem is that they were having a relationship behind his back, not simply that Buffy trusted Spike, since she (and most of the Scoobies, including Xander) has been doing that since like, the fifth season. It's the relationship, the sex (his disgust at which is seen in Entropy, in that same scene I quoted earlier), that bothers him.

People can have multiple motivations. Being jealous of Angel doesn't mean Xander also doesn't consider Buffy/Angel a stupid idea for a more objective reason. And I am pretty sure the fantasy you are quoting was him exaggerating quite a bit and mentions nothing about "winning" Buffy. Not that I see much wrong if he fantasized about that, mind you, unless winning is a code-word for "raping". So he has a fantasy about his unrequited crush become less unrequited? Buffy has a dream along these lines about Parker in Beer Bad, is that somehow insulting for Parker? People are selfish when it comes to love, I don't know many whose fantasies are about how the man or woman of their dreams is with someone else.

Well yes, but jealousy comes at the forefront of it and I don't think it should be necessarily discounted. Especially when Angel proves multiple times that he can be trustworthy and has been fighting on their side. It's not as if Angel is actively trying to kill Xander behind Buffy's back, and it isn't until Angel loses his soul that there's some real cause for alarm.

Parker isn't one of her best friends though. He's someone she wanted to hurt, and justifiably so. He intentionally mislead her and treated her like trash. I don't think Buffy's fantasy about hurting/showing up Parker is comparable to Xander's fantasy about hurting Buffy. All Buffy did was not return Xander's feelings, and she wasn't unnecessarily cruel about it either. He's not entitled to affection or love from Buffy, but he acts as if she deserves to be hurt. That's pretty standard Nice Guy procedure, IMO.