Why Write Mean Things Online You Would Never Say in Person?

[Buffy Summers]

Another great article:

by Michelle Slatalla

“You are a terrible mother.” “You should be ashamed of yourself.” “You’re an idiot.” “Your children must hate you so much.”

All this may be true. Yet no one has ever said anything like it to me in person. But during the 12 years since I’ve been writing regular magazine and newspaper columns— about parenting and life and, now, etiquette—I’ve been barraged.

And it’s not just me; vitriol litters nearly any online comments section, no matter how innocuous the topic under discussion.

I just stumbled across a comment, for instance, taking me to task for suggesting in December’s Real Simple magazine that it might be OK to bring along an extra guest, if attending a large cocktail party where one more person might not make a difference. “…it might be fine. But why not call to check anyway?” I wrote.

Which sparked this response from a reader: “You have done every host and hostess a disservice…SHAME.”

Note the use of ALL-CAPS, which gives the impression of quivering wrath, righteous indignation—a deep, bone-shaking disgust. Is this reader really that ANGRY?

Somehow, I don’t think so. I picture her hitting the “Post” key and then never giving it another thought as she skips off to a large cocktail party, possibly with an uninvited guest in tow.

In fact, I doubt she ever was truly angry. Or thought I would feel SHAME. Or, if she stopped to consider, would have wanted me to mope around the rest of the day, all hang-dog and sad, feeling bad for having had an opinion and expressing it.

I have a few theories about why people write angrily online: (1) They think it’s expected, because everyone else does it; (2) They think it’s the only way to get noticed, amid a cacophony of opinions and views, or (3) They’re blowing off steam anonymously, because something else in their lives is making them feel bad, and they don’t know how to address that problem directly.

So, where’s the harm? Sticks and stones, etc.

Well, as an etiquette columnist, I have to ask: Is this the best way to carry on a public conversation in the 21st century? Do we really want historians of the 22nd century to feel sorry for us, for not having been capable of handling gracefully the giddy delirium of being online?

One solution: Teach “Internet comments writing” in school. Remember “business letter writing?” And “how-to-address-an-envelope-properly writing?” We need better writing skills to give us confidence we can use words to express ideas, not just insults.

Right? Or am I an IDIOT?

Source: http://simplystated.realsimple.com/...ts-etiquette/?xid=be-nice-internet-week-day-5

 

[BuffyElevated]

Awesome article... This is one thing I've never understood about the internet and how people behave. The anonymity gives people the feeling that they can say whatever they want with no repercussions. People say things online they would never, ever say to someone's face (especially someone they don't know very well), and it's appalling to me.

 

[Cast No Shadow]

There is the bad side to it, but there's also some massive positives. People who are generally introverted and quiet in "real life" can express themselves without being shy, and say things they would never say in reality.

So long as you're not saying anything bad, it's definitely a good thing.

 

[Nix]

(3) They’re blowing off steam anonymously, because something else in their lives is making them feel bad, and they don’t know how to address that problem directly.

I have come across this one in particular a lot over the years.

Like it has been said in other threads, people need to stop and think first.

 

[Buffy Summers]

Yeah, you often hear that from people who do apologize later, that there was something else going on in their lives. Though unfortunately most of the time they use it as an excuse rather than an explanation - or in an attempt to make the person who called them on their bad behavior feel bad for saying anything.

Such as:

Person A: "Calling me stupid really hurt my feelings."

Person B: "Well for your information I just lost my job, so I think its understandable that I was over emotional."

I think it's fine to apologize and to explain that you were upset about something else and not thinking - as long as you accept responsibility for what you said. Oftentimes you see people apologize but they don't really take the blame for their actions onto themselves. I think most people are quick to forgive someone who honestly admits they were wrong.

 

[zobothehobo]

Yeah, you often hear that from people who do apologize later, that there was something else going on in their lives. Though unfortunately most of the time they use it as an excuse rather than an explanation - or in an attempt to make the person who called them on their bad behavior feel bad for saying anything.

Such as:

Person A: "Calling me stupid really hurt my feelings."

Person B: "Well for your information I just lost my job, so I think its understandable that I was over emotional."

I think it's fine to apologize and to explain that you were upset about something else and not thinking - as long as you accept responsibility for what you said. Oftentimes you see people apologize but they don't really take the blame for their actions onto themselves. I think most people are quick to forgive someone who honestly admits they were wrong.

This is why I believe it the five parts of the apology.

1. "I'm sorry" or some form of that
2. What happened
3. Why what happened happened
4. Reason to believe it won't happen again
5. Some form of "it will not happen again."

It's something I believe very much in. You can read about it here: http://zobothehob0.tumblr.com/post/9944144985/there-are-five-basic-parts-to-a-full-apology

It's my own theory... I worked for years perfecting it, trying to figure out the most basic parts of an apology that makes it fully complete. I think these five sum it up completely.

 

[SlayerFest]

(3) They're blowing off steam anonymously, because something else in their lives is making them feel bad, and they don't know how to address that problem directly.

This is the main reason why people say insanely rude things on the internet. They hate their own boring, miserable lives so they try to make everyone else miserable. Some people can also be so dramatic. Ugh, I remember there was a video of a mom playing with the spring door stopper. Whenever she'd pull it, her 1 or 2 year old kid would freak out. The comments were terrible. They called her a horrible mother and tons of other nasty stuff. Most of those people have probably done worse to their own kids.

I'd hate to run into some of those people in real life...I'm convinced that they have to be just as unpleasant as they are online.

 

[LoveLoveLovix]

Honestly, I think people do this because of blogging and facebook and the like. It's so easy to express your opinions and thoughts that it's easy to forget where it's appropriate to and where it is not, as well as how it is appropriate to and how it is not. You may start out saying something brutally honest on your facebook, then when you go onto someone's blog, your brain hasn't changed into a politer mode. People need to be more aware of where on the internet to blow off steam. There are places where it is appropriate to. Many places have slam areas now.

Of course, this is dangerous because the person you're talking to might still find out what you're saying... and that's bad, which is why it's ideal to be polite. And while this is only my opinion and plenty of people disagree, I think it would be better to insult someone in a place where they have a chance of never seeing it to a insulting someone on their very own site, a place where they should feel safe to be themselves.