Wolfram & Hart - The Key

OK, maybe I was a tiny bit harsh. I don't think that my opinion is any better than anyone elses. I read Parker's Christmas fic, and it was very funny. But that story didn't resort to using rape jokes every other sentence, or having every one of the characters calling another lead character a mindless ho, even though she may be. I now know that you can do better than this. I did like the third installment, don't change that. And I'm not a prude or anything, I think little innuendos are funny. Just don't beat a joke into the ground until it becomes unbearable.

When I said Harmony had more potential, I meant humor-wise. Yes, she is ditzy and annoying, but she's also a very likeable character. I can't find a trace of likeability in her in your story.

Same for Micheal. And don't think I'm being sarcastic here, I really mean this as a question: How can you dislike Kennedy, and then find Micheal charming? He's Kennedy times fifty.

And I've actually never written a fanfic before, and I don't know if I'd do any better. But I do know a good character when I see(or read) one.

Again, this is all my opinion. Some of you may have a different one. I just want you to take this into consideration, like I will take your opinions into consideration. And thanks Parker for taking my criticism so well.
 
How did you know I don't like Kennedy? LoL. Well, I don't know. She bossed everyone around. She was no better than any of them. Who was she to call "Chloe" a magit? She was no better. She was just some stupid arragant rich girl... Which... kinda... sounds like.... Michael..............
 
Thanks for answering my question. I read in one of your posts you called Kennedy too cocky(a trait that is prominent in Micheal).
 
Ok, so, would you like to see Michael less cockier. I was trying to make him sound really funny, would you like to see him as a serious character, that is if you still read this.
 
Well,if everything is okay,keep posting Parker 😉...I wanna know what's gonna happen:: tu ::!



(3. Please be respectful of all members of the posting community.---->i.e.don't tell them tehir fics are horrible//7. Offensive, obscene and profane language should not be used.)



























These rules are in place to help create a better community for you, so please enjoy your stay here.
 
I use profanity in my fics, so we wouldnt be able to get away with that one, lol.
 
Well, I do think Michael should be cocky. But make him a little less.....I don't know. Just make him bearable. Tone it down a bit, add a little bit of subtlety to his humor. Lines like "I'm like Micheal Jackson, only I don't molest kids," aren't funny. I don't think anyone here can possibly think that's funny. Sublety is the key.
 
Ok. I see what you mean. I'll try to tone things down. And should I really rewrite the whole thing? (although I have pnemonia and I am stuck on my ass 24/7 and could probably do it in an hour)
 
No, I wouldn't want you to rewrite the whole thing. Just edit a few parts, try to be more original and subtle in the humor.
 
Originally posted by Parker Summers
Ok, so, would you like to see Michael less cockier. I was trying to make him sound really funny, would you like to see him as a serious character, that is if you still read this.
Click to expand...


Parker,are you gonna change the character because of him?...hey!,he doesn't like the story,...
I love everything the way it is(characters included)....ana8 loves it too----though,if you wanna change soemthing do it,it is your sotry after all,...I just want you to know everything is perfect the way it is...//if you make some changes the story is gonna be cool anyway... you're a great writer 😉!
 
Thanks. LoL. I just want to make the story enjoyable for everyone. If Michael becomes more subtle, and everyone is still happy and reads it, then it's fine. I don't mind. Or I can make two versions and send you the "dirty" one lol.
 
Magui, everybody, I don't want you to think I'm trying to change his story. I'm just giving some constructive criticism. Parker, If you like it this way, you shouldn't change it. A story is as much for the writer as it is for the audience. But if you think there are things you can improve upon, and you agree with my tips, then change it, but not just because of me. Only do it if you think it needs to be done.
 
Hey, the reason I write is because I want too, and that it's good experience for me. Although people hate my writing, I want to direct something when I get older. If I can make one small change in the story, which doesnt affect the plot or the characters, and I can keep the readers happy, then it is no bother to me.
 
Thanks for bearing with me on this. I also just want to see a good story, and I can tell you are a great writer. Congrats on the award.
 
Ok, so, well, now what do we do about these 'fighting' posts? Hey, if the story doesnt get readers, us all fighting will... lol...
 
I'm sure of that 😉...fighting evil is good...but being the evil thing is better 😛

Ok,I have an idea...just write something...I need my PS's fanfic's dosis!
 
I'm redoing everything. It's still pretty much the same. Don't worry, I'll still leave little "things" for you, Magui. LoL.

Double Post (next time use the edit button!):

There, I redid all the old parts. The story is actually pretty much the same. If you reread it, there are few Harmony insults, and not as many sexual inuendos. Now, I will work on the next chapter.
 
Originally posted by Parker Summers
I'm redoing everything. It's still pretty much the same. Don't worry, I'll still leave little "things" for you, Magui. LoL.
Click to expand...

awww,thank you *fighting emotion* ...you are the best :: tu ::



Now, I will work on the next chapter.
Click to expand...

looking forward it 😉


Ok,...I guess I'll start rereadin'(weird word) this 😉
 
The morning was so quiet. Both men did not say a word. Last night was one for the record books. Record books of weird stuff. Angel had never sensed fear in someone like that before. When he was Angelus, and he had prey cornered in an alley, and he was about to do God knows what to them, they'd never been that scared before.

Could it have been a premonition from the Powers That Be? Had they given this boy a gift to help find out what Wolfram & Hart was about? If it was a gift, Angel wanted to return it. No 15-year-old should be a pawn. He knew that something was going to go down. And like every battle, he knew he wouldn't be able to protect everyone; people would be lost.

There was some light on this dark day. It was Friday. Angel would have the weekend off. Although he was grown up, an undead grown up, he looked forward to a weekend as much as everyone else did.

He walked out of his bedroom, wearing one of his black suits and looked at Michael. He was sitting on the couch watching television. Usually Michael had the volume up so loud that things would vibrate and people would complain, he'd even laugh and scream at the television. Today was different. He just sat there, arms crosses over his chest, emotionless. Fearful.

"I have to go to the office." Angel said, finally walking in. "Are you going to be ok here by yourself?"

"Yes."

"No sarcastic comment? No joke? What's wrong with him?" Angel thought. Maybe he could brighten up the mood, maybe. "Did I do something wrong?" Angel asked, jokingly.

"No."

One word answer again. Everyone hates those. It means two things: A) they aren't paying attention to you, or B) something is wrong. Angel sighed. Could he really get anywhere with a 15-year-old? He knew that teenagers had a problem with sharing their feelings, and that they almost never told what was really wrong with them.

"I'll send Spike over later. Just to check up on you." Angel grabbed his wallet and keys and put them in his pocket.

"I don't need a babysitter."

"Yeah, well, with these demons running around out there, I don't want you alone." Angel said. "I know you think you are some big tough punk, but against a demon you are just a kid."

"That's for having faith in me."

"You know I'm right." Angel picked up a file and put it under his arm. "I'm going to go. Take care of yourself. Call the office if you need anything. Harmony will pick up. She'll try to talk your ear off, just pretend you have business with me."

"Ok."

"Bye." Angel opened the door to his apartment and walked out. He closed the door behind him and locked the door. He slowly walked down to the parking lot and got in his car. He sat there, motionless, for a few seconds before he started the car. Pulling out of the parking lot, he started driving to Wolfram & Hart.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom