Xander leaving Anya at the altar - for their own good?

[Chosen Enemy]

Xander leaving Anya at the altar was very sad to all of us. But was it justified? He only did this because he saw their "future" - not talking about the fake images that demon showed him, but the part where he looked over at his parents, and saw his father screams (and almost hits) at his wife.

So in some way he was trying to help Anya, so they wouldn't become like his parents. But who said all couples turn out this way? Who said they would have?

Many times in life, a man and a woman really love each other, and the man treats his girl like a queen, loves her to death and she him. But then they get married, and a few years later it all turns upside down, and the relationship becomes violent.

That's what Xander was afraid of.
But... he hurt Anya during trying to protect her. And their future might not even look like his parents'.

So was he right to leave Anya? Could he have done it better? Or he should have married her anyway, with all the doubts they both had?

 

[sosa lola]

Xander made a mistake, but it's very understandable why he did it.

I actually have more sympathy for Xander during Hell's Bells than Anya. He suffered the whole episode, what with his crappy parents, then living his own nightmare -he didn't just see those visions, he went into that ball what with him being in his wedding tux and same age throughout the visions. He felt those feelings and it was his hand holding the pan to hit Anya- and then he had an angsty walk under the rain thinking that he was going to grow up hurting Anya and his children -not to mention Anya cheating on him with a demon and that he had to raise the demon's daughter- and he comes back and he learns that the nightmare was fake and he's expected to get over it and marry Anya in just 20 minutes....

It also doesn't help that the demon that violated his mind was one of Anya's victims, which means that Xander was used to punish Anya.

 

[BuffyElevated]

Xander made a mistake, but it's very understandable why he did it.

I actually have more sympathy for Xander during Hell's Bells than Anya. He suffered the whole episode, what with his crappy parents, then living his own nightmare -he didn't just see those visions, he went into that ball what with him being in his wedding tux and same age throughout the visions. He felt those feelings and it was his hand holding the pan to hit Anya- and then he had an angsty walk under the rain thinking that he was going to grow up hurting Anya and his children -not to mention Anya cheating on him with a demon and that he had to raise the demon's daughter- and he comes back and he learns that the nightmare was fake and he's expected to get over it and marry Anya in just 20 minutes....

It also doesn't help that the demon that violated his mind was one of Anya's victims, which means that Xander was used to punish Anya.

EXACTLY. I have said this time and time again and very rarely do I ever come across anyone who agrees. Watching Xander's visions in that episode was heartbreaking, because people forget that Xander truly believed the demon's visions, because they played on doubts and fears he already had, due to the upbringing he had. 🙁

 

[theroyalgoat]

I call BS. Xander and Anya didn't get married, because the writers wanted to milk drama out of it. It was completely out of character for Xander. Ever since that episode in season 5 when he said about how excited he everytime he was about to see her and he loved the way her mind worker or whatever it was established how insane he was over her and they just got closer after that. Xander is one of the most brave characters because he is surrounded by super chicks and he still runs in without hesitation. Some crap vision wouldn't scare him away. BS.

 

[methos]

don't think so...

i mean, people get cold feet at the wedding all the time... it was a nice touch of realism that Xander was scared of it, especially after what he'd been through during it...

i think it was nicely in character for Xander to be afraid of the wedding and what it represented...

M

 

[theroyalgoat]

Nah, seriously I can buy that he would walk away and take that dramatic Sarah Mclaulin sit on a bench, but when he came back he would marry Anya. BS. Nothing will change my mind on it.

 

[sosa lola]

Some crap vision wouldn't scare him away. BS.

It's not just the vision. Xander had lived that life before with his parents and suffered from it, remember his dream in Restless? The first slayer wore his father's face before she ripped his heart out, that's how much he's scared of his father, and the thought of becoming that monster, especially with a lot of evidence to that (like Xander's short-temper and harsh words to Buffy sometimes -all from his troubled home life) no wonder Xander couldn't go through with it.

Even the bravest characters chicken out sometimes. Buffy couldn't stay in Sunnydale any longer after she sent Angel to hell so she decided to run away, Giles couldn't handle the pressure and left Buffy alone in S6, Spike couldn't face Buffy again after coming back from death and decided not to tell her he returned.

 

[theroyalgoat]

Yeah, but Xander and Anya were a stable and healthy couple, you can't compare them to Buffy and Angel. Do you think Willow would have left Tara at the alter if some demon showed her a vision. Stable, trusting relationships are stronger than that. And that's what was presented. Xander and Anya were protrayed as that kind of relationship and they should have been given that ending, but it was more dramatic to do it the other way.

 

[Chosen Enemy]

I really don't think it had anything to do with the desire of the writers to have some drama. I think it was one of the most realistic arcs on the show.
Xander and Anya both had doubts about the wedding. It didn't happen just like that, and just because of the visions. Xander has a bad past, he saw what real life is like sometimes, and he knew there was a small possibility that they will turn out like his parents, and he didn't want to take that chance. BECAUSE he loved Anya. He wanted to pretect her from himself.

Yes, they were happy together. And yes, they loved each other. That didn't change. Xander knew that if they got married, it might end up badly. 'cause these things happen all the time. Men after marrying a woman, after a few years, they start abusing their wives. The love is gone, and the only thing that lefts is pain.

It is Xander's character to care that much for the love of his life. He wanted the best for her, and thought not marrying him would be the best for her.

 

[theroyalgoat]

BS

These words only because my post isn't long enough.

 

[brinkster130]

So in some way he was trying to help Anya, so they wouldn't become like his parents. But who said all couples turn out this way? Who said they would have?

Not all couples end up unhappy; I guess we will never find out how they would have ended up.

But... he hurt Anya during trying to protect her. And their future might not even look like his parents'.

He may have been trying to protect her but I think he did it in a horrible way. IMO leaving someone at the alter is on of the meanest things you can do. Why didn't he bring up any of these fears/concerns before their wedding day? He had plenty of time to bring these things up and talk to Anya about them rather than breaking her heart in front of all her family and friends. If he was truly concerned about her feelings he would have admitted these fears and concerns and called of the wedding before their wedding day.

So was he right to leave Anya? Could he have done it better? Or he should have married her anyway, with all the doubts they both had?

I honestly didn't think Xander was ready to be married. With the doubts that they were having and the fact that they weren't able to open up to each other and talk about it, made it pretty clear that they weren't ready.

I get that Xander was shaken up by what the demon showed him, but I don't think Xander handled the situation very well. People get cold feet and have doubts about the future all the time; but in a mature adult relationship you should be able to bring these doubts up and talk about them. IMO Xander sucks at relationships...he was lucky to have Cordy and he ruined that...he was lucky to have Anya and he ruined that too.

 

[Flannen]

Firstly, if we put everything down to the writers wanting drama for the sake of it, then why are we here?

Secondly, yes absolutely the right thing to do. As I watch it back now, I think there were issues that far preceded the events of the actual wedding. Of course Xander had anxieties, completely within his character. Xander has been consistently insecure about who he is and what he could be. He could see himself becoming his father and making Anya as unhappy as his mother, and his children as unhappy as he was during his childhood. The only way that Xander could have been rocked by those visions was because they were a manifestation of what he was worried about and if he was that concerned then he had no choice but to not marry her.

It's far from being 'BS', and completely within Xander's character because at that point until Xander was okay with who he was, he wasn't going to let anyone else be okay with him too. In hindsight, he could have called the engagement off before the actual day but I doubt he realised how far those worries actually extended until he saw them with his own eyes.

 

[BuffyElevated]

I really don't think it had anything to do with the desire of the writers to have some drama. I think it was one of the most realistic arcs on the show.

Very well said; I agree 100%. Even though Anya had the demon thing going for her, Xander's and Anya's relationship was probably the most real one on the show as far as showing how a couple goes through things together.

 

[TaylorSwift]

I hate how it was done..Xander leaving her at the altar for some stupid demon who played on his fears. That's just a good cooked up excuse to break them up. Yes, Xander's fears were surely understandable considering his family but he should've been sure of his love for Anya and that they were going to make it. The fact that they clearly still love each other in season 7 (even after they both claimed to not having feelings anymore after sex) shows how much the reason behind the leaving-at-the-altar thing was screwed up. I'm not sure it was for their own good, they destroyed all the maturity those two characters gained on the tv show.

 

[PrincessBuffy16]

I think Xander made a mistake.

When he found out that those 'images' are not real, he said he couldn't risk it. Well, he should've.. for the love of his life, he should've. He had put Buffy in the first place.. he couldn't risk her life. But her life is always in danger, no matter what Xander does.. he should've put Anya in the first place. As we found out in comics, Willow regreted putting Buffy over Tara, and she didn't wanted to make the same mistake with Kennedy.

 

[Flannen]

I think Xander made a mistake.

When he found out that those 'images' are not real, he said he couldn't risk it. Well, he should've.. for the love of his life, he should've. He had put Buffy in the first place.. he couldn't risk her life. But her life is always in danger, no matter what Xander does.. he should've put Anya in the first place. As we found out in comics, Willow regreted putting Buffy over Tara, and she didn't wanted to make the same mistake with Kennedy.

I totally disagree. Xander should have put himself first. And he did. Being in a relationship and being with the love of your life should never mean that you do not ever put yourself first. He shouldn't have to do something so monumental and make a forever commitment because she was the love of his life. He wasn't ready for marriage and he didn't think that he could make her happy so he put his own feelings first and I will always applaud him for that. It sucks but sometimes you HAVE to do things for yourself. This was one of those things.

 

[zobothehobo]

I think Xander did what Xander would do. I never understood everyone saying it was out of character for Xander to leave. They both had their doubts and Xander did what had to be done. I love Xanya and I ship Xanya, but I feel the tragedy in their relationship's end came with Anya being too proud and gung-ho on vengeance to take him back. I understand her feelings and why she didn't, but THAT was the fatal mistake in their relationship. That and Xander proposing WAY too early (which is what I found OOC). They weren't ready to get married. Their relationship wasn't there and personally, they weren't ready. To be ready they had to have the little fights about the things sung about in I'll Never Tell. Some of those things became really big problems in their fake future the demon showed Xander. Especially "when things get rough he just hides behind his Buffy" they needed to talk about that and should have addressed it right there. and "is she looking for a pot of gold" had a big point in their fake future too. Those were things that NEEDED to be addressed before getting married. A good family friend of mine got married too early and she's been married for 6 months and is getting divorced. THAT would have been tragic.

 

[PrincessBuffy16]

I totally disagree. Xander should have put himself first. And he did. Being in a relationship and being with the love of your life should never mean that you do not ever put yourself first. He shouldn't have to do something so monumental and make a forever commitment because she was the love of his life. He wasn't ready for marriage and he didn't think that he could make her happy so he put his own feelings first and I will always applaud him for that. It sucks but sometimes you HAVE to do things for yourself. This was one of those things.

I disagree because I don't think he had put himself first. I think he had put Buffy first.. her life, his feelings for her. And he did it the wrong way.. leaving her at that oltar is humiliating.. if he wasn't ready for marriage, he should've told her face to face, alone.

 

[Flannen]

I disagree because I don't think he had put himself first. I think he had put Buffy first.. her life, his feelings for her. And he did it the wrong way.. leaving her at that oltar is humiliating.. if he wasn't ready for marriage, he should've told her face to face, alone.

Why shouldn't he have? Whether or not he has put Buffy first in the past doesn't matter. Why should he do something that he doesn't want to do, nor thinks he is ready for to make someone else happy? Have you not thought that had he married Anya that day he would have become EXACTLY what he was shown? Chances are he would have because he would have grown to resent Anya and their marriage and family because he would never have known if he did the right thing. Why should anyone make themselves miserable for someone else? Like I said, it sucks, but forgetting about your own feelings and wishes for someone else results in resentment and a bad relationship. Xander had every right in the world to do what he did.

I said in my last post that I do think he did it wrong but hindsight is always a wonderful thing and I don't think he realised how worried he was until that day. Just because he didn't realise in time doesn't mean that it would have been right for him to do something he couldn't do and wasn't ready for. Ultimately, no matter how he went about it, not marrying her was absolutely the right thing to do. Would you want someone who didn't know if they wanted to marry you or had huge doubts about their own capacity to make you happy to marry you for your sake?!

 

[PrincessBuffy16]

Why shouldn't he have? Whether or not he has put Buffy first in the past doesn't matter. Why should he do something that he doesn't want to do, nor thinks he is ready for to make someone else happy? Have you not thought that had he married Anya that day he would have become EXACTLY what he was shown? Chances are he would have because he would have grown to resent Anya and their marriage and family because he would never have known if he did the right thing. Why should anyone make themselves miserable for someone else? Like I said, it sucks, but forgetting about your own feelings and wishes for someone else results in resentment and a bad relationship. Xander had every right in the world to do what he did.

I said in my last post that I do think he did it wrong but hindsight is always a wonderful thing and I don't think he realised how worried he was until that day. Just because he didn't realise in time doesn't mean that it would have been right for him to do something he couldn't do and wasn't ready for. Ultimately, no matter how he went about it, not marrying her was absolutely the right thing to do. Would you want someone who didn't know if they wanted to marry you or had huge doubts about their own capacity to make you happy to marry you for your sake?!

I just don't belive that would be their future. He was ready for marriage.. urm, marriage is only something formal, a piece of paper, love showed by law. He loved Anya and she loved him.. I don't think marriage would change that, because they kinda were in marriage already.. loving each other and living together.. marriage is just a thing to show the others their love.