Baggage claim right here.....

[4.O.cious Miss]

Okay, so say you meet someone somewhere that catches your eye, the two of you spark a conversation and share a cup of coffee. Soon you learn that she/he is single and looking. Bonus. So hours pass and your really into this person....you have alot in common. And then they tell you something that freeze frames the entire room. He/she has a child from a previous relationship. Do you run scared, or order yourself another cup of coffee.....

 

[Mr. Pointy]

Three step-children here...so, no problem for Pointy 🙂

 

[The Arcane]

Truthfully, i'd back away slowly and make my way for the door!

In my defense i should really explain what i mean by that. The thing is that i know in my heart that i don't want kids. Not my own and not anyone else's. Not now and not ever. More importantly i want a girl who thinks the same way. Someone who puts going to rock concerts and watching extreme sports ahead of children, the big house and family car.

This isn't about "baggage" so much as knowing what i want my life to be. I know for a fact that i am in no way responsible enough to be a parent. I may be 29 but at heart i'm still a kid myself. I'm waaaay too selfish a person to even imagine dedicating myself to the kind of commitment that a child requires. I need to know that my life is my own and that i can come and go as i please. The last thing i ever want in my life is the worry of taking care of anything more demanding than my cats, lol.

Quite honestly i think that it would be totally unfair of me, or anyone like me, to pretend that i'm willing to commit to raising a kid. I would be lying to myself and to the mother of the child. Worse yet i'd be lying to the child and that truly would be wrong. Kids deserve dedication and if you know deep down that you can't provide that then you shouldn't be having them. I know too many people who think all having kids is about is getting the girl pregnant and then moving on.

So yeah, if i'm honest, no matter how much i liked a girl i wouldn't commit to her if she had kids. It just would be fair.

 

[JollyApe]

Of course I stay. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing until I've tried it. Kids can be annoying as hell, but some of them are actually quite nice and after all I'm not going to have a relationship with them. Well yes I am, but if I like this person with the kids and perhaps even love then I'd do my best to make it work.

 

[Amber Benson]

Wow, didn't see this thread coming... 😉

You know how I feel hun... But, just so everyone else does, to me, it really doesn't matter, baggage or no. You are attracted to someone because of who they are, and if they happen to have children already, that's also part of them. Some say it's a bad part, but I honestly think it's a good thing. Firstly, it shows that they are secure enough with themself to try and date again, even with the "handicap" of a child, and secondly, parenthood is the most amazing thing someone can do for another person. Raising children is incredible... Just all the experiences, that I one day hope to have as well. It shows that you are committed to someone else's life, and (in most cases) there's something that you care for more than your own life... I think it's really amazing, and I'd have no problem with getting involved with someone with previous children... Just more of them to like, and maybe eventually love...

 

[The Arcane]

JollyApe, what if you have tried it, in a fashion, and so know where you are coming from when you say you don't want your own kids?

I have nephews and a neice who come stay with me on occasion if my sister and her husband need a break. Now i love those kids to bits and i would do anything to protect them and ensure they are safe and healthy but believe me when i say that after a couple of days with them under my roof i am literally tearing my hair out!!!

The mess!!! The noise!!! The constant worry that one of them is going to touch my cd collection!!! Sorry but as much as i love them i know my place in this world and it's as an uncle at the very most! I can just about put up with the stress of children around me for a weekend but the thought of it every single day for years?!?!? That is my idea of hell!

No, to me you have to know that you are able to put children first and i absolutely know that i can't, at least not for extended periods of time. Sooner or later (most likely sooner, i have a short attention span, lol) i'm going to want my freedom back and once you have kids in your life you can never truly do that.

 

[JollyApe]

The mess!!! The noise!!! The constant worry that one of them is going to touch my cd collection!!!

lol. Having a nephew and a niece of my own I can very much relate. I love em, but there's only so much quality time you can spend with them. Oh and I'm more worried about my dvd collection.

I know for a fact that I don't want any kids right now in any way shape or form. But I can't say that I never want them so I won't dismiss some love just because this person has kids. Who knows one day i might just be adult enough to be able to handle kids and I don't know tat until I've tried it.

 

[The Arcane]

I know for a fact that I don't want any kids right now in any way shape or form. But I can't say that I never want them so I won't dismiss some love just because this person has kids. Who knows one day i might just be adult enough to be able to handle kids and I don't know tat until I've tried it.

I'm not sure it's always about being an adult, to be truthful. Some people just aren't cut out for the parenting thing and hopefully they will realise that before they make any mistakes, like i have.

I suppose part of it is based around my childhood. After my parents split my mum ended up with a new partner. Everything seemed fine to begin with until they bought a house together, at which point it became very obvious that he wanted her but not me and my sister in his life. Let's just say that it wasn't the most pleasant family life you could hope for. In the end they split up but not before he had forced my sister out of her home. I'm just that little bit more stubborn and he couldn't get rid of me, no matter how hard he tried, lol.

To me, what he did was far worse than being the kind of person that i choose to be. I will readily admit that i would walk away from a girl if i found out she had kids, simply because i don't want to be like my step dad was with us. I have no right to go into a relationship that involves children if i know that i will probably not be able to be a proper dad to them. They would deserve far better than that, in my opinion at least.

What i'm trying to offer is the opposite side of the coin to where i see this thread going. It's so easy to say that the correct thing to do would be to not let the fact that the girl (or guy) you met already has children bother you and to just carry on regardless but that can be just as damaging as being honest with yourself and her if you know it would be a mistake.

Being somebody who would turn a girl down because she has children or being somebody who would risk ruining the kids lives despite knowing it wouldn't work, just for the sake of doing the right thing by the girl? Which is worse?

 

[JollyApe]

I get your point, but I still think I'd try. If it didn't work and I felt that I couldn't deal with the baggage and that I couldn't accept the kids as a part of him/her I'd leave or at least I hope I would, because I know what you're saying. There's nothing worse than people who can't accept other people for who they are and if you met someone with kids it's kinda obvious that the kids are part of them. You can't just make them go away and even if you do the kids are always there, as a part of their parents.

 

[Feigenbaum]

I would not be afraid. But, I've got to say that I'm the type of person who loves kids. Children are great. I know that I like them and it would not bother me.

You've got to think that children are part of the package of somebody that you are attracted to. You can't help who you love is the old saying, and sometimes there are couple extra people in the mix.

 

[Angels baby101]

i'd stay i love kids they're great and yes they can be a tad bit annoying but they can also give you alot of joy watching them grow up

I'm 16 and the guy i'm dating and engaged to has a 5 year old son and i've known that even before i started dating him so i'm completely happy with that. I mean if you look solely on if the person has kids or on looks or things like that you might just pass by the person your really meant to be with never judge a book by its cover or by how many pages it has lol thats my saying and its worked pretty well if i do say so myself 🙂

 

[ana8]

I'd slowly but surely back away.. I do not want kids at all at this stage of my life..I'm not even sure if I want my own parasite..sorry child in 10 years time. I am not mentally prepared to handle such a situiation and can only be happy that the men I feel strongly for does not have anything more than cats in his house...

 

[eponinethen]

The mess!!! The noise!!! The constant worry that one of them is going to touch my cd collection!!! Sorry but as much as i love them i know my place in this world and it's as an uncle at the very most! I can just about put up with the stress of children around me for a weekend but the thought of it every single day for years?!?!? That is my idea of hell!

Mhm, I so understand that feeling.. gah I hate when kids break my stuff, or touch my stuff, or look at my stuff..
Seriously, I am no good with children, at all. So I'd be scared as hell, just 'cause I don't know what to say to kids, what the hell can you talk to them about? Well, I just know that I'm so not ready to have children of my own yet (and I don't even know if I'll ever be, 'cause I'm not a taking-care-of-people kind of person). But, I would not back away. If I liked the person in question I wouldn't mind the kids. It would be hard just 'cause I don't know what kind of relationship I would have to them (since I've never really been around kids).. But in a way that would be easier than having my own children since I wouldn't have the responsibility in the same way, or the pressure to do everything right.
But okay, no, I would not back away, I would order the second cup of coffee, mhm...

 

[Willow02]

I'd be more comfortable knowing that the kid was three or four years old or older, cause I really suck with kids younger than that. But either way i'd stay and order another cup.

 

[Xander]

I think at my age (presuming Im dating around my age) I'd have to decline (or whatever verb you wanna use). I like kids but having step-kids at the age of 18 would be a bit too much. I very much subscribe to Buffy's cookie dough philosophy.

 

[Patran]

The person would have to had made a stunning first impact on me as I wasn't planning on having children. I have two nieces and a nephew, all of them are under 10. I see my poor sisters can competely frazzled day in day out, and that's not for me. I love being with my sisters kids, but I can always give them back when they get too much.

One thing I would say is a big positive is the other person telling you about the kids so early into any prospective replationship. It allows you to quietly back out if you want to before any real emotional attachments are made.

 

[Willow Rosenberg]

I live with my sister and my 1 1/2 year old niece who's the cutest little thing in the world, but after about 20 minutes I've had enough. It's so made me come to terms with what I want from my life, and having to give up so much to have kids doesn't appear to be an option for me, not now and probably not ever.

I'm very career minded and couldn't see giving it up to have kids, which is basically what I'd have to do, unless I met a man who could give birth and was willing to stay home with the kids....But I highly doubt that'll ever happen 🙂

 

[Jill_Valentine]

I absolutely despise children, but... folks what if it's The One? What if you've refused to even get to know your perfect Significant Other purely because they have a kid? I mean... if you're getting on with the person pretty well, then surely you should at least figure out for sure if the Cons outweigh the Pros before you grab for the parachute?

 

[Tainted Hope]

Well...

I'd demand to see the kids on the spot. I love babies and children so much! See, I've dated guys with baby sisters and baby brothers, and the way they act with them reflects on their inner personality. Plus, it's kinda hot seeing how a guy can handle a little "pressure". After I broke up with these guys, I still loved their baby sisters/brothers.

So, I'd stay. And I'd ask if they have pictures in their wallet.

 

[Anchovy]

Um, personally, I think I'd run the other way, honestly. Mostly because...well...I have this rule about not dating guys who are waaay older than me (just because of past experience...eugh), and the idea of anyone in my approved age range (18-24) already having kids....makes me think that this is not the most responsible person in the world...

That said, if I was older I would never pass up a dating prospect just because he has kids. I love kids! And I want bunches...just not any time soon. So fo me, its an issue of "I'm not responsible or mature enough to handle an important relationship with children outside my family right NOW"...not that it would never be possible.