Change happens every day, every second, but it is so small, so gradual, that we barely notice it. Because of this some people think that they never change, but they do. The best way to see how you've changed, is to take a major decision you've made, and figure out how you would have made it five years ago, or go the extra thought process and figure out how you would make it ten years in the future.
I believe this act, might be something Spike was referring to when he was talking about self analyzing wankers.
Big events in your life very rarely change you, certainly the change isn't instant. It is usually something gradual, or it has been for me. Losing your virginity, leaving high school, getting your first steady girlfriend, going to university, getting your first job, first home on your own. With big events like these it is not a snap, and you're suddenly completely different. These events might affect you, but it is a gradual thing, it is in reflection.
Change with me, lots of times, is through another person.
Recently two of my friends died, within two weeks of each other. Both deaths have a certain mystery to them, primary due to their respective families not fully revealing details. I think one killed themself and one died accidently, either through being a plonker and accidently overdosing, or if you listen to his family he had an asthma attack.. and misplaced his inhaler..
As a result I've "shut up shop", put my life on hold, or fullstop and have decided to get plastered every day for the past two weeks. A diet of whiskey and cigars( well I've always been a fan of that King Edward) and the occasional vodka thrown in to shake things up.
This though, isn't change, its not who I bleeding well am, but its just a tempory thing. And the two people that have died, that won't channge me either. No sir.
What it has done though, is stirred up a memory of an event that did change me. One of the very few times where change isn't slow, it is immediate and in the same token, it is constant. Because for me, this was the first biggie.
A long time ago, lots of years in my life anyway. There was this girl, she was about 13, 14, in that age bracket. Always smiling, always seemed happy. She had a crush on a boy in her year, he didn't know though. Anyway, she had this older sister, posh little tart of sorts. She had these mannerisms, and a way of speaking (speaking proper bleedin' english) that made you think that her family had money, that she had this posh upbringing. Really she was as common as the rest of her family.
Anyway, this "posh" little tart and her boyfriend convinced the little girl to tell the boy how she felt. And she did. And the ****ing asshole teased the hell out of her. She told him that morning in school, and for the rest of the day, in every single class he mocked her.
That night, she decided to kill herself. She went in to the family medicine cabinet and took as many pills she could, 100, 200 pills of different sorts, god knows what. Then she took a bottle of vodka and left the house. It was either a bottle, or a litre of Vodka. She took it to a little clearing in some woods not far from her house, and downed the thing as quickly as she could.
I assume by this time her head was absolutely mangled. She was still alive though, after taking all those pills, and drinking the vodka she was alive staggering through the streets.
By the way, you ever want to kill yourself, come read this post. If this doesn't make you want to take the fastest ride out of here, nothing will.
By this time her family started to realise something was up. Mothers bottle of voddie was missing, the medicine cabinet had been raided and there was lots of empty packets in the bin.
The girl had been staggering around streets for about two hours. She started to get a little more sober, and she realised the pills hadn't worked. So she jumped in front of a car.
The car was going between 30/40 miles per hour. She got knocked into the air so far, the person driving the car had no chance to see her, or brake. He got out and ran over to her. As she got up. He tried to help her, but once she steadied herself she ran away.
He was shaken up, and the girl ran off into the next street. 3rd time is usually the charm. In the next street she did it again. Jumped right in front of a car. The 'person' driving hit straight into her. They were going faster than the other car. The car flicked her into the air.
Some people saw it happen, they ran over to the girl, as the car sped off. She tried to stand up and they helped her to her feet. At this point she realised where she was. Her house was literally two minutes away. A brisk two minute run.
By now she had cuts and sctraches all over her. Blood dripping down from both her knees. Her clothes were torn. She ran away. The boy and girl that helped her up chased after her. They knew something was horrifically wrong.
The girl ran, she ran passed the clearing where she had downed and discarded the bottle of vodka. The boy, and the girl, chased after her as she ran to some steps, and up them. I don't know how they couldn't catch her. Grab her. The condition she was in at this point. As she ran onto the platform.
It just happened to be her, lucky night. A train came, speeding along, as she ran across the platform. The train was stopping at this backwater platform for nobody. No soul. The boy and girl got up onto the platform as she jumped off onto the tracks, without pause, she ran to the edge and jumped straight down. A train, the speed it was going at. No more fun and games, no more popping pills and jumping into cars.
4 times she tried, the fourth and final time doesn't need description. Details of how a young girl was ripped and crushed into pieces.
Changes you've gone through? You should never want to change, because when you do change, and you know it, it is usually instant. And constant.
