Faith's Sister: Hope

L

Lulladreamy

Faith's past teller
Joined
Dec 1, 2003
Messages
41
I hope u'll understand the story since my native tongue isn't english and that I still make a lot of mistakes.
I'll post little by little what comes next if some ppl like to read it.

January 13th 1999

My name is Hope. I'm trying to find my sister. Our mom often talked about Faith. When she was drunk, angry or in a bad mood she accused her, insulted her, and belittled her.
I don't like to live in a foster family; I want to find my sister and go to live with her.
I have to save her from herself. She seems to be close to the boundary that will lead her into the bad side. She mustn't go into that, I need her. I think I know how to help her, because we lived the same story, and I exactly know what she feels.
I know she's in Sunnydale right now, so I left my foster family which live in New York, and I took the bus to go there. With a bit of luck, they wouldn't look for me and find me. "They" it's my foster family and the police. Each time they caught me and sent me back in a family. The last ones were nice, but I need to be with my sister, and I know she needs me, I feel it. I see her in my dreams sometimes, and there is this thing. She is arrogant, cheeky, appears like the person who don't care, but I know exactly how she really is inside. She can't afford to show anything, cause she is the Slayer, and she wants prove that the other isn't stronger or better. I know all of this, the thing allow me to be aware about all of this. And I know that she is really close to sink into despair.
I might arrive in Cleveland in an hour if all is ok.

January 14th 1999

I'm in Cleveland, but I don't have any money to take the next bus to St Louis. I'll find a way to find get money, I still don't know if I'm going to work or to steal this time.
Faith had had a bad day. She's madder at the other than anytime before. I'm really sad when I see her being that way. I remember when we were younger, living together in our mother's house.
It's my mother's fault if Faith is how she is now. She forced her to be strong, to hide her feelings, to cheat, to lie"¦
I keep the vivid memory of the real Faith, the one who is hidden. I wonder if anyone else know that she is behind this mask. I know she has feelings, like everyone else, when she protected me against my mother, she showed that she cared about her sister.
But it was hard for her. She is only 3 years older than I am, but she always stood in the way of our mother when she wanted to hit me. Even when it was really hard. Thanks to the thing I have, we could often escape, cause she told me by thinking, what I had to do.
This one time, I was really scared, because our mother was just a bit drunk, not enough to be unable to see clearly and walk straight, but in the same time she was very angry, because the TV wasn't working and she thought we'd broke it. At this moment Faith wasn't still at home, and I was alone with our mother, and I was trying to escape. But she stuck me, and began to yell and hit. Since I was 8, I didn't have a lot of strength, but hopefully, Faith finally arrived, silently, and seeing what was happening, she told me by mind to get ready to escape, while she was taking stuff to throw to our mother in order to divert her from me.
Then we ran away and we spent the night in a park. And Faith gave me her jacket, since it was fall and began to be really cold. She was always trying to make me safe and warm, and she went without a lot for my sake.
Well, I have to find a way to get money now, I hope I won't arrive too late to prevent Faith from doing something wrong.
 
Thank you Hostile 17, you r very nice. And yes, there is more to come, all in my head, and I'll type a bit of it every day or every week and post it here if some ppl r pleased to read it.
I'll edit the first post each time, so that there won't be too much message
 
January 15th 1999

Well, I finally found a way to get money. Faith taught me that, how to manage to live, that's the way I learnt with her. I'm lucky, because I had her to teach me that, whereas she had to learn that on her own. She never told me how it was, how she learnt, but I guess it was hard. For me, she made all a piece of cake. All the mistakes she did, she told me about it so that I won't do them. For instance, she showed me how to pretend that I've not enough money to go back home by bus and to get that someone give me some money. But she explained me that I should be very careful to not accept to be driven to home, or to not say where I really lived. We've played a lot of scene together; it was easier when we were two. Faith told me I was perfect in the part of the little girl who scratches her leg, while she was picking the wallet of the person who stopped to help me. We had lot of fun. And with the stuff, it made all easier, she could tell me how to act depending on what the person did or said.
But I'm too old to play the little-scratchy-girl now, so, I mainly pretend that I need some money to take a bus, or I wait that people leave their car for a minute without locking it, and then, I go to look for what I useful for me in it.
I once ask to my sister if that was bad: stealing. She answered me that when people can afford to buy things, it's not a good thing to steal, but she added that we were totally right when we did that, because we had no choice. And she added that I mustn't tell to anyone about it, because if I did, they would put me in another family and that I'd never see her anymore. I didn't understand very well at that time, cause I was 8.
'One day, we won't steal anymore Hope, and you could ask for anything, and you would have it.' I believed her when she was saying this to me and actually, I think she did believed herself too, or she wanted believe it.
I found a bus to Colombus. The trip till Sunnydale would be probably longer than what I thought. I just hope I'll arrive in time before she makes a mistake, because I've seen that she is really jealous of the other (I forgot to tell that her name was Buffy).

January 18th 1999

Well, a good step forward for me, I'm in St Louis. I found a way to take 2 bus in one day and night. The next place I got to go is Springfield and then Oklahoma City.
I'm going quite fast finally. Hopefully, because I can feel Faith's bitterness increase everyday. And actually I understand her and I bear a grudge against the other. It's funny, because Faith call her B. and I think the girl don't like that. But that's not a reason to be mean with my sister. I mean, I can see that, from the beginning she is jealous of Faith. I really don't understand why, but it's obvious. It's weird, because I feel that Faith would like to have B.'s life, so they are jealous of one another.
The other doesn't make lots of effort to make Faith's fit in. When she invited Faith for Christmas, it was cause she felt she had to do it, but she didn't really wanted to. I know it, thanks to the thing.
I've never really explained what was this "thing". It's a kind of "power" but I'm careful when I say power because it's not the kind of Faith's power. I have the ability to read people's minds, and when I sleep, I can see their real lives. I just have to focus on the person I want to see. I don't see their all lives; I see what they are doing when I'm sleeping. That's why I can't see what my sister is doing all the time. But it's kind of helpful. As I said, it helped me when I was little, because Faith couldn't read my mind, but I could read hers, so, she just thought something and I was able to know what she wanted me to do.
But back to Christmas, I know that Faith was really trying to fit in. First she didn't dare to say yes to B. because she thought she would be rejected, that's why she told that lie. But actually, she made an effort to overpass her lack of confidence, and she went at the other's house. But B. didn't really care, she seemed to think that the gifts Faith had given were really crappy (by the way, I saw that it had taken to Faith lots of time to find something that she would dare to offer). And if Faith told her they were crappy, she didn't mean it of course, but the other didn't take the time to reassure her about that. She didn't see that Faith isn't as confident as she appears, cause if she were, she wouldn't care about B.'s thoughts about the gift.
I wonder if I should warn someone that Faith need to be reassured. I could warn Willow, but I'd rather not actually, because I don't know if she would tell to Faith that. Willow is a B.'s friend, and since Faith is in Sunnydale and knows all people around B., I'm trying to make contact with people who are around her, just in case. I got to know Willow because I entered her mind and discover that she was a kind of web-person. Once, I enter the same chat she was in, and I kept her address email and create some contact with her, without telling who I was or anything.
This time I found an honest way to get some money, I'll suggest to people to let me wash their cars when they're filling up with gas.
 
This is very good. I've always been a sucker for this diary style of story ever since I read "Flowers for Algernon". Keep it up Lulladreamy you're doing a brilliant job - I wouldn't have noticed that English wasn't your first language if you hadn't said.
 
Thanks a lot Mr Pointy. You can't figure out how much what you said reassured me, because I wondered if anyone would like it or be able to read and to understand it.
I've got kind of free day yesterday so I was able to read a lot, but I won't post all in one day to keep a kind of mistery, lol.
However, a last one for today :

January 21st 1999

Darn, three days that I'm stuck in this place. The honest way to get money isn't working very well it seems. I have to leave this place because the gas' station owner begin to look at me in a strange way, and I worry he could be aware that I'm a runaway.
The family I was in probably warns the police the day after I left, or even maybe the day I left. I let a letter for them, because they were nice, telling them not to worry, but they probably did warn the police even if I asked them not to do.
It's been the 3rd family I had been put in. Each time they found me (cause I always ran away) I told it was because the family was mean. It's not nice I know, cause it was never true. But I couldn't say I was trying to catch up with my sister cause if I had told that, they would have warn her, telling that I was trying to go with her, and she would have been mad at me.
It was her decision to put me in a foster family. It's a long story to tell actually, and I'll have to tell it one day.
But before to tell that part, I need to tell the whole story that comes before, and it's way so much longer, so I guess I'll go with that everyday, telling more day after day. Because I want to tell the whole story in this diary, so that Faith will be proud of me when I'll be done. It's a pact between us. Since I'm little, she had always told me that she was the strength and that I was the brain. And once, when I told her I wanted to write a book called "The best sister in the world" (I was 11 when I told her that, so excuse me for the silly title). She told me 'Alright, but the day you would write it, I want you to write our story, not only mine, because you're a part of my story.'
I don't know why I can remember so exactly some sentences Faith told me, I guess she has a big impact on me.
That's actually why I've started this diary, which is meanwhile a sort of logbook of my trip from N-Y to Sunnydale.
And I want to show through this diary and the story I'll tell gradually, how Faith became who she is today. How and why she built this armor to hide herself, fearing to be broken by people's meanness. I want to make people aware of her fragility, so that they stop to think that she doesn't care and stop to take what she says as an offence. I don't know if this makes sense, because nobody would probably read those lines. Who knows, maybe one day, I'll give this diary to the man who would like to be on her side for the rest of her life? So, maybe those lines would help him to see who is Faith, and why she is who she is (that doesn't make any sense, does it?)
Finally, the bus to Springfield will leave only tomorrow and I really need to leave now, so I'll take the bus to Little Rock.
 
Thanks a lot to u too Magui. You r all so nice in this board it seems.
Here come another day

January 23rd 1999

Some people are really such *******s! I asked an information about the best way to go California to two guys and they wanted to take me into their car. They nearly forced me to enter it. Hopefully, Faith was a good teacher! She taught me all I know and trained me"¦ for example, to run fast.
I haven't her strength, but when she trained with Helen (Helen was her watcher, the woman that trained Faith), sometimes she made me train with her.
That reminds me that I never explained that my sister is a particular person. She is a Slayer. A slayer is a kind of, "superhero" I would say. She got a huge strength once, and since she has a watcher and must fight against a whole world of evil things (you wouldn't believe me if I told you what kind of being).
Faith hasn't been a slayer since she was born. It happened one day, she was "¦ 16 I believe, yes, that's it, and I was 13. Faith has always had a "˜big' strength; but this day, the "˜big' became HUGE. I'll always remember: this day, our mother had brought a man at home (as she often did). She was sleeping and the man was awake when I come back from school with Faith. When we entered the house, he came toward us, all kindly-nicy and asked how was school (we didn't even know this guy) and then, he began to bother Faith. I feared the worst; I feared what happened once in the past. But she didn't let him touch her and became aggressive with him. So, he changed his mind, turned to me and asked me if I wanted to be nicer than my sister. Faith told in her mind (and I was reading her mind at the very moment cause I was frightened) to step back slowly and to head for the window that was on my right. The man, seeing that I was about to get away from him, caught firmly my arm and pulled me to him. I was so desperate since this scene was the same we had lived the year before.
I was trying to struggle to make him let me go of, but since I was 13 and he was a man, taller and stronger, I couldn't do much. Faith, seeing this, rose against him and came on his back with a sort of long material and wrapped it around his neck and began to tighten. Surprised, the man let go of my arm, and tried to get rid of her. He managed to pull her down after nearly a whole minute, and trying to breathe again, he fell upon her to hit her. But before he was able to do what he intended, she kicked in the stomach, with an awful strength and the man fell on the floor. Then, she grabbed me by the arm and we ran away from the house and from this man.
I was baffled by this surprising strength that I never saw before, and so was Faith.
As we arrived in the place we used to go when everything went wrong, she asked me many time if I'd seen her doing this, because she couldn't believe it. It wasn't the first time that we had this kind of problem with the men our mother brought to home, but we usually escape them by tricking them, cause we knew we were too weak in front of those strong men. Or sometimes, we were just unable to run away and to escape them.
But this time, it was all matter of strength, actually Faith's strength, and it was just amazing.
It was only few days later that we met Helen. She came at our home, and asked for Faith (I was the one who had opened the door and I trust her at once because I could see good purpose in her mind).
Then, she explained her (Faith told me that cause Helen wanted to speak to her alone) that she had been activated, and this gave her incredible powers and that she had now to fight against the evil of this world.
She asked too about our way of living, and first, Faith didn't trust her and hid everything, telling that we had a good life. So, Helen began to train Faith, and won her trust. Since I told my sister this woman had really no bad purpose and that she even worried about both of us, she finally decided to tell the woman a part of our story. Helen then offered us to come to live with her, and Faith did accept. From this time, we had better lives. Helen was so nice with us, but knew to be strict enough with Faith and to handle her so that her new power didn't turn her head. And it was necessary, cause Faith was really delighted by this new ability.
Well, I have to stop here for today, because I need to sleep to know how Faith is going right now.
 
Your English is great, LoL. Don't worry. I'm so happy to read this! LoL! I've always wondered what Faith's life would be like before she was a Slayer, and other background information. Yay! Keep going. 🙂
 
Thanks a lot parker, u'r so nice too ! There will a lot of other informations about Faith's past, i hope u'll like it !

January 24th 1999

I'm glad for Faith; she seems to fit in a bit more. I feared she wouldn't be ok after the Gwendolyn Post's story. But this thing with the self-styled new watcher, destroyed Faith's trust in anyone I think. Too many people have played with her trust. It was already hard for Faith before to have confidence in someone, and this last episode wasted every effort that had been made.
She tried though; she really made effort to be nice to other people. For example, this one time, when a guy had dumped B. This day, Faith showed her friendship to B., she wanted to cheer her up, she suggested that the two of them could go to the dance together. She was mean to the guy just in order to please to the other. But B. didn't seem to care about that. She would never said thank you to my sister, or even a nice word.
But it'll be easier to understand if I tell some of the story that destroyed her trust in the past (and the story I began yesterday will wait).
The first person responsible for that is our mother. Despite of her behavior, she was our mother, and we both somehow loved her. Faith wanted particulary to please to her. Well, we both wanted, but I think that I tended to care more about please to my sister than please to my mother, because Faith had always been a kind of mother to me. It was different for Faith, because she was the elder one, and so, the only older one she could look up to was our mother. And that's why it was so hard for her. You know when you try to do everything to please someone, and this person doesn't care at all about you? It was exactly what happened to Faith. She did everything she was able to make our mother proud of her: taking care of the house and of me, bringing money at home, offering gift to her. But nothing satisfied our mother.
When she was about 14 years old, she turned her love and began to look up at someone else. It was a guy, way older than her. He was in college, was something like 18 or 19 years old.
It was easier at the time to make Faith have confidence in someone... I said easier but I don't mean it was a piece of cake! But this fellow had probably something special, exuded... I don't know... a kind of charm, which made Faith trust him at once.
For one month, he was really nice to her. She was always talking about him, and was really beaming. It was the first time I'd seen her so happy. But unfortunately, it didn't last. I'm not gonna tell every details on this. In a word, he exploited her admiration, he abused her and he got her to do everything he wanted, things that I'd rather to keep unsaid.
But Faith was so much gazzing at him that she didn't want to see that he was only using her and I couldn't make her realise that because she didn't listen to me. I tried, but I'm younger, and I was only 11 at the time, so, why she would have listen to me? It was during this period that she began to hang out, to smoke, and to drink.
I donno what really happened in the end, but from what I guessed, reading her mind, he rejected her, called her names and went away with an older girl. All of this of course after he had used her for many months.
Faith was totally broken. She didn't come back home the day it happened. It took me two days to find her (thanks to my "ability") in a lost and dirty part of the town. Once more, I'm not gonna to tell all details, but I can say it took me a very long time to make her stand up and come back home. And it took me so much more time to make her regain a bit of self-confidence. This part of her life really left its mark on her. She was never the exactly the same anymore after this.
But despite of this, and to go back to the present fact, I truly can say that Faith made an effort with B. Ok, she is a bit jealous, but she admires her as well. And when Faith tells the other some stories, which happened to her, I know she'd like B. to say something about it, even if she pretends that she doesn't care. But the problem is that B is selfish. She doesn't care at all about Faith. Just one thing counts for B, her own problems, and nothing else. She should give a bit more attention to my sister, because it'd be a way to prevent her from doing something wrong!
Well, I'm going to take the bus to Dallas. I've been here for two days and I had time to get enough money to go till there.
 
Poor Faith. The trust thing is a really good part to put in the story. It explains some stuff. Continue.
 
Wow, thanks a lot for ur encouragements !!! Well, yes, I have lots of more, but I'll post it bit by bit.
For today, here it is :

January 25th 1999

I'm getting tired to take the bus. First it's not comfy, then, it's hard to sleep in it, and I'm always awaked amid my "watching" of my sister's life. And moreover, sometimes there are odd people who come to bother you. I'm a bit worrying, because the guys who wanted to take me in their car last time are in Dallas. I've seen them just as I went out from the bus. Since they know that I'm going to California, I hope they aren't following me, that they're here just by chance.
I think I might continue to tell the story about Faith, the watcher and the training, so that I could explain better how I learnt to fight, and particularly to run fast. (I'm good at this, means that I'm a coward huh? I guess so)
I was saying that Helen took us both at her home and that from this point, our lives became totally other, in the good way.
Helen was kind of the mother we had never had. I trusted her with every word she said since I had read in her mind such a kindness, such a will to help and to love us both. It was the first time someone cared about us, I mean, she really cared, without expecting anything back, without willing to use us.
Faith pretended believe me about what I had seen in Helen, but I could see that she was still fragile (since the story with the guy) and needed to make her own opinion about Helen. That's why she didn't want me to tell her the secret of my "ability" first.
As I said, Helen was nice, and she found the way to reach Faith's trust. She was in the same time a caring "˜mother', and a good and strict watcher. I still don't understand how she managed to do that.
So after 2 months, Faith finally agreed to tell her about this mind thingy. She listened to us attentively and when we had finished the whole explanation, she looked at me and told me it was a great gift for me to have this 'ability'. She was sure I was able to use it for the good, and she just added to end that it would be better for everyone's sake that we continue to keep this secret. I liked a lot Helen's reaction, because I feared that she would look at me differently after that, like 'she is odd', but she didn't. I even found in her mind that she didn't think I was odd, but that I may have something special to be granted by such a wonderful thing. I saw she looked at me in admiration in the same way she did at Faith. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable first, but it was great too because I felt for the first time that I had a kind of great 'power' (I don't like much this word for this ability though).
However, when Helen trained my sister, I was allowed to go with them. I did the same exercises, with a lower level. When Faith was running, training stamina, I followed her, and she stayed on my side the time I was able to keep on. It was nice from her because of course, she was able to run faster and as soon as I gave in and stopped she quickened her pace and continued for another hour.
Faith's stamina in running and fighting, her power to jump so high or to fall from a high point without being hurt amazed me. And I'm still amazed actually. And with the training, she became each day more and more powerful.
It was a great life that we both lived with Helen. And when I remember all this, I feel warm inside. But I know I'll have to tell the sequel of this story. And suddenly I'll remember the fire going out, letting everything dismal and death behind. Ashes remain and they are the only memory that left.
But I don't want to tackle this part of the story right now, I don't feel ready to live what happened once more by telling"¦ not yet, I need more time.
 
January 27th 1999

I don't fear as much as few times ago that my sister would turn to the bad side. She seems to begin to open up herself a bit, and to show at least a true side of herself. She gets along better than before with B and her friends and the watcher. She invests herself more and show an interest about the demons they are fighting"¦ I guess I was worrying for nothing.
I know that she would be able to build herself again after the story with Gwendolyn Post, and I hoped she would trust the others, but I thought it'd take more time. I guessed it wouldn't take as much time as after what the guy had done to her, but I didn't think it'd be that fast. Well, it's great, I guess she found good reasons. I just hope it's not fake, because when I read her mind, there are so much feelings, all mixed up, that I can't really see well.
Or she really found a good reason to pass over what happened, or she plays let's pretend, and hides to herself that she had been hurt. For the first time of my life, I can't see clearly in her. What I see in my dream, the way she behave let me think that she is really ok, but if she is, why those thought? Only a few of course, and deep inside, hidden, but still here.
If I'm telling this, it's because I know her, and I know that she pretends when things don't go the way she'd like.
She says it doesn't matter, tries to persuade herself of it, but inside, bitterness grows. When she was"¦ 10, I think, (I was young but I can remember clearly) there was a story about a dog. For a long time, Faith wanted to have a dog, but our mother didn't want to.
One day, as we where both outside for some reasons, we saw a small, adorable dog coming toward us. We petted him. He was so nice and happily wagging his tail. He had no collar and probably didn't belong to someone, so Faith brought him to our house. We were both glad to have a pet, but I remind that Faith was particularly happy. And I knew why, because actually, she wanted a dog since she was little (I mean more little than what she was at the time, cause she was already little).
Once at home, we made him enter the place that was in front of the house and that I won't dare to call 'garden', and we continued to play with him. He was barking only a little bit, but it was enough to awake our mother who went out from the house mad at us. The dog unfortunately went to welcome her, but all he received was a kick in the belly.
She yelled at us to go back into the house and let the dog locked between the house and the fence. Then she shouted at us again, about how crazy we were to bring a rabid mutt in her house, and she called the pound. We begged her not to do so, and to just release the dog, but she didn't listen to us. Faith was crying, she told our mother that she would do everything she would be asked to do if the dog could be released. When she heard that, our mother said to Faith to bring her a bottle of alcohol. She brought my sister to the gate, so that when she would leave, the dog would be unable to escape. Faith came back about 10 minutes later, running as fast as when she had left, with a bottle of whiskey (that she had stolen). It was just when the pound truck arrived. She gave the bottle to our mother (who had wait behind the gate during all this time) and was about to open the gate to free the dog. But our mother grabbed her by the arm made her enter ordering her to go back into the house and closed the gate behind. Two men went out from the truck, she told them she was the one who had called, and she opened the gate and let them take the dog.
I stood on the doorway, as they took the dog, and I'll always remind the scene of Faith, trying not to cry again. She had in her mind such hatred against that woman, that I was terrified. She didn't dare to do it cause of the men, but at this very moment, she felt a profound will to hit and to shout at this woman who had fooled her.
She clenched her fists so strongly that her fingers had became white. When the truck disappeared behind a corner, taking the dog in it, our mother looked at Faith with an evil grin. She was satisfied, and I could read in her mind that she felt she had won, that she had break down her daughter once more.
My sister looked up at her, with so much grudges against her, but told nothing. She slowly went back into the house. She was containing herself because she knew that if she showed her grief, our mother would be more proud of herself.
I followed her into our bedroom, and as she sat on the bed, with so much thoughts running in her head, I gave her a cuddle, trying with my little hand (I was 7 years old), to wipe a tear rolling down on her face.
She spent most of the night to cry silently in her bed that night, but the morning after, she acted as if it never happened. She was younger, and still not able to hide to herself her feelings very well, so I saw that the pain was still inside, but nobody else could notice. She pretended not to care about the dog, but I know that, still today, she sometimes wonders whether the dog had been killed or not. And she feels responsible for what happened, taking the blame for bringing the dog at the house and so, condemning him to die.

Well, it's time for me to stop for today, because I've been in this town for two days, but I still don't have half of the money I need to go till Odessa, or at least Abilene. Dallas is a big town, but I should have avoided it because there are more policemen and I fear that they could have a picture of me, and recognize me and send me back to New-York. Last time it's what happened, but I was only in Memphis when they caught me.
 
Donno if anyone is still reading, but still :

January 30th 1999

I think this town wants to keep me. Five days that I'm stuck here. And those guys are around. They know that I'm in the town too. Yesterday they saw me, and tried to catch me. Once again thanks to the training, I was able to run fast, to jump far and to climb a wire netting.
But that's not the more important for now. I want to go on with Faith's story, because I suddenly realized that telling her life was such a big work, and I don't know if I would be able to finish my telling one day.
This is a huge work and a huge mess since I'm telling everything not in a chronological order or anything like that. But I just can't tell, following an order, because her life was a mess. Telling it that way, the story get closer to what was her life.
The story I told about the dog reminds me tones of other ones about our mother and Boston. Because, Faith was born in New-York, but we always lived in Boston.
This town was hostile to us. Faith learnt it, and then taught me, how to survive in it. The only way was to be able to fight. Already before she was a slayer, my sister knew to kick asses and to stand up for both of us. Well, of course, it wasn't the kind of slayer fighting, but more the kind of fight like cats and dogs, but hey, it was still fight!
Most of time, the fight was due to someone who tried to steal us something. The second reason was when some older guys came to 'have a talk' and then, tried to bring us in some place to 'give us candies or things'.
The third reason was our mother.
In the street, Faith was aggressive with people and all the time on the alert. She didn't need a lot to join the fray. And after a fight, she usually explained me joyfully how I might do when people would come to bother me like it just happened. She had already trained me in some way, before we met Helen.
I didn't like much when she trained me because we were fighting with each other so that I could 'really' be ready in the case I'd have a problem. And Faith was harsh. I know that it was better for me to learn with her instead of learning as she did, in the street, but it was still hard.
At first, it was more like a game. When I was 7, it was not really like real fights. But it got changed after one event. I was 9 when I came back home with bruises and clothes ripped. A 12-years-old-boy had stolen my schoolbag as I was coming back to home. Faith, when she saw me, was first worrying. But as soon as she made sure that I was ok, she grabbed my hand and brought me outside the house, in a place that was always empty, and so, where nobody could see us.
It was my first real lesson. Faith gave me first some tips, about how to avoid a punch or a kick, and then, she told me to stand up for myself. I thought it would be as usually, like a game, but it wasn't.
I got hurt really bad for the first time by my sister. I was crying and begging her to stop, but she only told me to pick myself up and to fight.
After I had received many punch and kicks, she finally let me down and went back home without looking at me. I was mad at her, I felt betrayed. After a while, I finally picked myself up once more, and went back home. Faith told me to get a shower, but I didn't obey her. She had made the dinner, as usually. She was serving me with some food when a feeling of anxiety suddenly overwhelmed me. I realized it came from my sister. Since I was mad at her, I wasn't aware of her feelings. But at this very moment, it was so strong that I couldn't ignore it. And then, I understood. Faith was worrying to lose my affection. But I understood that she was worrying much more about my safety, and that was the reason why she did that. She wanted to train me, to make me able to defend myself, because she knew the background we were living in wouldn't make me any favor. Understanding this, I became so grateful to her, because I knew that the most important thing for her was to be loved, and she wasn't loved by many. She risked to lose my love because she wanted me to be safe. I looked her in eyes, amazed by what I had just understood. She told me quite coolly 'stop reading my mind' but I already knew. I just smiled at her and this smile relieved her, she knew I would still love her.
From this day, she trained me twice a week. I still didn't like that, but I had no choice and knew it was to help me, not to put me down. Bit by bit, I became better at avoiding punch and kicks. I could run faster to escape, and was even able to give her some punch.
It was hard for me at the time, but now, I'm so thankful to her, because this training allowed me to get out of predicaments so many times.
 
This is still good. Please finish the story.
 
I'm still reading, I just haven't been to the boards in a few days. LoL. Continue, its a really interesting story.
 
Ok, I have many things to tell. First I apologize to all the readers but i have to change a thing for some reason, so, Hope isn't 5 years younger than Faith, but only 3. I'm sorry to change that now, but I really need to do so.
Then, I want to thanks you all again & again for all the things you said, and I hope you'll tell me any comment you'd like to make about this.
Mr Pointy, you tell me to finish the story, but it'll be a long time before it ends ! lol Hope is still alive today and she lives with her sister (in my story at least) so I have the whole story in my head, but it'll take time till I write it all. I hope it won't make you bored to read it ! lol
And now about today post : it's certainly the most painful part in Faith's life, and it's... you 'll see, but I'd like you to tell me if I went to far or if it's ok in your mind.
Thanks again

February 1st 1999

I'm finally out of this town! I won't keep happy memories from this town. I spent the last day to hide and run, because as big as the town is, the guys found a way to find me. Don't ask me how, or what they wanted from me, because I really don't know. I was finally able to escape them thanks to another man who had a car (he really didn't look like the others, he was nice) and who accepted to take me with him to Breckenridge. It's not exactly where I expected to go, but it's still good if I'm far from these guys. I don't know where I would go now, because it would depend on the bus' destination.
To go back to what I was saying last time, there were many reasons for fighting in our everyday life. You've seen that when it was about to fight outside, Faith had no problem. Of course, she lost the fight sometimes, because the others were stronger, but she never gave up easily"¦ never gave up as long as she didn't faint actually.
But there was another situation that was harder. When it was about fighting against our mother. As I said, Faith, as incredible as it can appears, loved our mother. And this feeling prevented her to fight against that woman most of time. Of course, as I said when I told the story about the dog, she often thought of beating against her, but it remained a wish.
When our mother slapped her, most of time for no reason, she didn't move or try to avoid the hand. She was submissive with her, more than with anybody else I think (but it can give you an insight of why she was submissive with Post, and even with Helen before, but I'd have to tell that later). And it wasn't cause she was coward. She hoped that being that way, our mother would finally love her. All she ever got was slaps, kicks and insults. And contrary to what you could think, the most painful for her wasn't the physical pain, she didn't care about it, wounds always heal in the end. The worst ever was words. And our mother was the worst when it was about calling us names, particularly with Faith. And once more, it was something that she kept inside herself. Faith never showed how hurt she was.
But there was one reason that made Faith fights our mother however. And I'm gonna to be ashamed, because once more, it was my fault. As I said before, Faith always stood up for me. She faced everyone to protect me, and our mother as well. When it was all about her, Faith let our mother be violent on her, but when our mother took it out on me, Faith protected me by diverting our mother anger on her. Compared with my sister, I wasn't beaten a lot, not at all, and this was thanks to her.
I hardly dare to tell this one time"¦ I feel so guilty"¦ still now, and I would always feel I think, because what she'd done, was the harder thing ever, and she avoided me lot of pain, just because she wanted to protect me. Words are not enough to tell how brave was her act.
It was on March 1997. Once again, our mother had brought at home a man. They were both drunk. Faith, seeing how they were, told me that we'd better to go into our bedroom, and we were about to do so, when the man told our mother how cute daughters she had. Our mother burst into a stupid laugh, and finally answered that we were both wild and impertinent kids. The man told 'oh really?' and whispered something into her ear. She seemed to sulk, but told him 'as you wanna'. Then the man turn toward us and told us 'I think I'll teach you how to behave! A nice kid must not be impertinent with her mother!'
Even though I had an idea this didn't mean something good for us, but I had no idea of what this man really wanted. Faith did. She grabbed me and we tried to escape. But despite he was drunk the man caught me. Faith would have been able to escape, she just didn't. She came to the man, and made a deal with him. She would go with him if he let me go. And so did he. Faith told me to go out of the house, but I didn't want to, I was lost and trying to figure out what the hell was going to happen. Then, Faith shouted once more at me 'Get out of here!' and I finally ran away, like a coward. 'And don't read me' she added just as I was on the doorway. But she couldn't force me not to do so, and I was so worried about what he was about to do to her.
I couldn't see her, but I felt the pain, in her head. I'll always remember how the awareness of the cruelty knocked me senseless. With this screaming pain in her head, in my head, I felt I had to go back inside, and I ran to the room they were in. But the door was locked. I hammered on the door, screaming, crying. Mother came out, angry. She beat me up, shouting to mind my own business. She let me hardly conscious, crying silently on the floor, and came back into the room. I couldn't feel my own body's pain; I was overrun by what I was reading in her mind and couldn't stop to feel her pain.
Few minutes later, Faith got out of the room, alone. She helped me to pick myself up, and leaded us outside the house. The pain was still so strong in her mind, but she was stoical, once more acting as if she felt nothing. We went to our secret place, where nobody never went, and sat there. She was holding me in her arm, staring into space, and she hadn't uttered a word. I burst out sobbing, and she just lulled me to calm me and whispered slowly 'Shh Hope, tis ok, everything's ok'.
 
February 4th 1999

I know I stopped suddenly last time. But I don't know if anyone can figure out how this kind of story is hard to tell. As I said, I don't forgive myself for what happened. It's my entire fault and I feel responsible for so much pain in Faith's whole life.
I often wonder how she was able to keep up after this 'world of hard events' she had to go through.
The first memory I have from Faith (it's the first of all my memories actually) is the image of both of us, locked into the closet. I can remember clearly how frightened I was (I'm not sure but I think I was about 4) because we were into the darkness and our mother had just shouted at us before. And I still keep the vivid memory of Faith, who was only 7 and already trying to put my mind at rest, humming a little song. I learnt to like darkness since this time.
But if I'm beginning to tell you this, it's because I want to introduce the relationship I had with my sister, and trying to explain it better.
It's easy to see with the whole things that I've said before, that I deeply respect and love Faith. And in her whole protection to me, it's easy to see that she loves me too. We are lucky that in this world, we have at least this sisterly love. Well, now you might picture flowers, songs and dances"¦ everything is great, we love us each other! But don't think it's that easy.
As I said, Faith is looking for love, from everyone. And I think you can understand that. She wants the love she had never had when she was young. I mean the kind of parental love.
Because she wasn't loved as a child, she gave me all the affection she had in herself for two reasons: first, she didn't want me to have the same childhood as she had, just a lack-of-love life. Secondly, because she needed to express her feeling sometimes. I was the only one she could truly show her feelings, without fearing betrayal or anything, because she knew I admired her deeply and then, because whether she wanted it or not, I knew it all already. This 'ability' is for sure the best gift I could have to make my sister talk to me and share how she felt.
Many times, Faith was upset that I could read her mind. I think everyone would have been if they knew. When she was with the guy I talked about before, I saw the whole thing, and I was trying to warn her, and many times we argue about it, and she said she forbade me to read her mind and Larry's mind (it was the guy). Even if I wanted to obey, I sometimes cannot control it, when feelings or thoughts are too strong. So I just shut my mouth about it, and tried to prevent any bad event that I could feel. Of course the guy didn't know that I was able to know every part of his mind, had he knew, I think he wouldn't have had all this awful bull**** in mind at least, not in front of me.
After this story, I played for the first time the part she had played with me during her whole life. As I said, she was really broken inside, and for two weeks, she didn't react to anything. I had to stand up for her, and for the first time in my life, I discovered that my sister could be vulnerable. Despite all I knew from her thoughts, I had never thought she could be so much affected. And while I was standing for her in front of our mother and other people, I realized how hard was the part she had played for me for so long.
I gave her more affection than I ever gave, but I was alone, and moreover her sister, not her mother. And it wasn't enough. She had lost this guy and what he was giving to her. Despite of how he used her, he knew to give her a sort of affection (I wouldn't say it was love) she needed. And when she lost this, all the love I could give her wasn't enough, because she was looking for another kind of love. I knew this, and I tried to find some nice guys, that could help her to find confidence in herself again. Don't think I was nut enough to entrust my sister with some 'risky' fellows. I spent a long time to check their minds and lives before to dare to introduce them to her. But Faith wasn't ready to put her trust in someone else once more. From the day she accepted to hang out with a guy again, she just played with them. She didn't keep any of the tone of guy she dated with because she wanted to take her revenge on them. 'A guy betrayed me once, but it's not gonna to happen twice' she thought. Actually she was scared. And she still is.
This is what she did once more with this guy, Xander. I think she likes him, because he is really funny, honest, and seems to care a bit about her. But it's not enough though, not enough to make her trust him.
Well, I'll head for Abilene with the next bus. I feel somehow that the journey is getting longer and longer. Will I ever arrive in Sunnydale?
 
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