nerd4hire
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- Nov 13, 2002
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This is unforgivable; only one post in the Anya forum.
I blame Joss Whedon and his crappy "Anya-who?" death scene.
For those who may have forgot, here's a little Anya refresher course:
ANYA
Anya: Miss Manners
Anya and Giles
Anya and Sex
Anya on Anya
Anya on Vengence
Anya's Words of Wisdom
Anya and Money
Anya on Monkeys
Courageous Anya
Anya on Bunnies
Anya's Troll Logic
Anya Versus Willow
Musical Anya
Anya's Wedding Vows: First attempt
Anya's Wedding Vows; second attempt.
Anya's Wedding Vows: She Finally Gets It
Anya and Xander
I blame Joss Whedon and his crappy "Anya-who?" death scene.
For those who may have forgot, here's a little Anya refresher course:
ANYA
Anya: Miss Manners
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Anya: [to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
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Willow: [displaying an item she's just wrapped] Does this look right to you?
Anya: Sure. If you wrapped it with your feet.
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Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
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Anya: Come on, let's go assemble the cannon fodder.
Xander: That's not what we're calling them, sweetie.
Anya: Not to their faces. What, am I insensitive?
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Anya: [to the *gang*] Have a nice day. Don't get killed.
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Anya and Giles
[Anya takes a swig from a bottle]
Andrew Wells: Hey! We're supposed to use that to sterilize wounds. Mr. Giles said.
Anya: Come on, what does it really matter?
[Anya hands the bottle to Andrew]
Andrew Wells: Hmm. Good point.
[Andrew takes a swig]
Anya: Giles knows his single malt antiseptics.
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Giles: Um, Anya, while I completely trust you to take care of the inventory and the money, dealing with people requires a certain finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom. I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods.
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Anya: You're out of the crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better restock and raise the price 10%--make it 15.
Rupert Giles: Anya...
Anya: Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it.
Rupert Giles: Anya...
Anya: And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a 7-day background check for people who--
Rupert Giles: Anya! ...Would you like a job?
Anya: Okay.
Rupert Giles: Good. Then we can talk shop... tomorrow.
Anya: Okay... Boss.
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Anya: [wanting a high five from Giles] Slap my hand now!
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Anya and Sex
Anya: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff-
Joyce: Um...
Xander: Anya!
Anya: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd-
Buffy: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.
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Buffy: It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.
Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?"
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Anya: At which point the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan.
Xander: So, the crux of this plan is -
Anya: Sexual intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times.
Xander: Uh, huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here.
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Anya: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith.
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Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Rupert Giles: Please don't.
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Anya on Anya
[Anya is human]
Anya: I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don't talk to me, except to say that, "your questions are irksome," and, "perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river."
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Willow: When did you get all insightful?
Anya: I'm surprisingly sensitive.
Willow: So, will you help me?
Anya: Is it difficult or time-consuming?
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Anya: [singing] I've boned a troll I've wreaked some wrath, but on the whole I've had no path, I like to bowl I'm good with math but who am I? Now I reply that- I'm the missus!
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Quentin: Miss, excuse me, do uh, you work here?
Anya: Yes, I do. Ever since I moved here from South Eastern Indiana, where I was raised by both a mother and a father.
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Anya: Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins, 20 years old, born on the 4th of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, Mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
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Andrew: You're like the perfect woman.
Anya: I've often thought so.
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Andrew: That was kinda beautiful. You love humans.
Anya: No I don't.
Andrew: Yes, you do. You luuuuve them.
Anya: Stop it. I don't love them and I'll kill you if you tell anybody.
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Anya on Vengence
Anya: What would I have to do?
D'Hoffryn: What you do best - help wronged women punish evil men.
Anya: Vengeance.
D'Hoffryn: But only to those who deserve it.
Anya: They all deserve it.
D'Hoffryn: That's where I was goin' with that, yeah.
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Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't group with the "sorry". We prefer "Oh God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"
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Halfrek: No deaths, no eviscerations, you're not goading women into anything inventive, and you're not delivering when it is.
Anya: I don't even know-
Halfrek: That waitress downtown wished her husband was a frog - you made him French!
Anya: He's smelly! And with a little mustache...
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Anya: Well, causing pain sounds really cool, I know, but... it turns out it's... really upsetting. Didn't used to be. But now it is.
Willow: Is it like you're scared of losing that feeling again, and having it be okay to hurt people, and then you're not in charge of the power anymore, because it's in charge of you?
Anya: Wow. That was... really over-dramatically stated, but yeah, that's it.
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Anya: And I'd make them ugly, or a dog, or in love with President McKinley...
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Anya: A year and a half ago I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
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Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.
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Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the power of the wish. I brought ruin upon the hands of unfaithful men. I offered destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe, and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High as a mortal! A child! And, I'm flunking math.
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Anya's Words of Wisdom
[As the group ponders how to stop Glory]
Anya: Okay, but I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a God, let's think outside the box!
Spike: Why don't you go think outside the bleeding box!
Giles: Yes, Anya. Apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm have you anything else to contribute-
Anya: The daggon sphere!
Giles: Sorry?
Anya: When Buffy first met Glory she found that magical glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Oh!
[motioning to a large hammer]
Anya: And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You want to fight a god, use the weapon of a god.
Spike: Nah, that thing's too heavy to-
[Buffy easily picks up the hammer]
Spike: Yeah, good.
Buffy: I like this. Thanks.
Anya: Here to help. Wanna live.
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Anya: Overwhelming? How much more than "whelming" would that be, exactly?
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Anya: Don't you watch television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.
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Dawn: Um, guys, hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing.
Anya: That's a myth.
Dawn: Yeah.
Anya: No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara Maclay: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney, all true.
Dawn: All true?
Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disemboweled children. But otherwise...
Willow: The reindeer part was nice.
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[About Thanksgiving]
Anya: I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: Not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event you kill and eat an animal. A ritual sacrifice... with pie.
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Anya: Sometimes in movies when people go crazy they slap them.
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[to Buffy]
Anya: You really do think you're better than we are. But we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy. But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.
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Anya: And babies. You've got to plan babies, or they'll run rough-shod over your whole existence.
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Anya and Money
Buffybot: Anya! How is your money?
Anya: Fine, thank you for asking!
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Anya: Crap. Look at this... Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooooh! I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
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Anya: I know what you can do!
Buffy: What?
Anya: Start charging!
Buffy: For what?
Anya: For slaying!
Dawn: Buffy can't charge innocent people for saving their lives!
Anya: Sure she can. Spider-Man does.
Dawn: No, he doesn't.
Anya: Yes, he does.
Dawn: No, he doesn't. Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.
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Anya: I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.
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Anya on Monkeys
Anya: We have to see the chimp playing hockey! That's hilarious! The ice is so slippery, and, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!
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Anya: Discovery Channel has monkeys. And our tape machine's all wonky.
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Courageous Anya
Anya: Anybody else feel that?
Willow: What?
Anya: Cold draft of paralyzing fear?
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Anya: You're not at least gonna like leave me a crossbow or a flame thrower? Something to protect myself?
Xander: We don't want him to know we suspect anything. Besides if he tries to leave, I don't want you confronting him. Call Buffy and just let her know that he's on the move. You're gonna be fine.
Anya: Better be, because if I get vamped I'm gonna bite your ass.
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[to the ghosts]
Anya: Shut-up repressed crybabies!
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Buffy: Slay someone! A female someone! Who do these jerks think they are?
Anya: They're bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.
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Anya: Uh, hot chocolate for Dawn. You're too young for coffee.
Dawn: [Possessed] Idiots!
Anya: You can have my coffee!
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Andrew: We will not be afraid to protect it with our very lives.
Anya: Yes, we will not be afraid to protect it with his very life.
Xander: Don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
Anya: Yes. Good. Thanks.
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Anya on Bunnies
[in song]
Anya: Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes! They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Bunnies! Bunnies it must be bunnies! Or maybe midgets.
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Everyone: [singing] There's nothing we can't face.
Anya: [singing] Except for bunnies.
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Xander: Why can't we just once find a bunny-worshipping cult?
Anya: God, thanks for those nightmares!
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[preparing to face the onslaught of Ubervamps]
Anya: I'm scared. I assumed that you'd be scared and I'd be sarcastic about it!
Andrew: Think of happy things. A lake, candy sticks, bunnies.
Anya: [enraged] Bunnies! Hoppy, floppy, bunnies!
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Anya's Troll Logic
Anya: The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits...has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services, but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others.
Olaf: Ha, ha, ha! Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll.
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Anya: Besides, Russia was ready to explode anyway. All we did was give it a little push.
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Giles: Buffy, there's got to be some way of fighting Glory.
Anya: Piano!
Xander: Piano?
Anya: We should drop a piano on her. I mean, it always works for that creepy cartoon character rabbit when he beats that nice hunter with the speech impediment.
Xander: Yeah, cause that's what we used to kill that big demon one time. No wait, that was a rocket launcher.
Giles: [sarcastic] Yes, or maybe we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain.
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Xander: [about the hospital] Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place.
Giles: It's dreadful.
Anya: It's like communism
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Anya: You know who else aren't American? French people.
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Anya Versus Willow
Anya: I know how you talk about me behind my back. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human, and strangely literal".
Willow: OK, no, 'cos no one talks like that.
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Anya: I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing, except when she's evil.
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Willow: Come on, it'll be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff. You could be floating pencils by the end of the day.
Anya: Sometimes I miss having powers... Oh. Oh! I know what this is, this is peer pressure. Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and have drugs!
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Willow: Well, I have skills. I can prove my love with magic!
Anya: Yeah, right. What are you going to do? Use magic to make him into a girl?
[Willow's face lights up]
Anya: Damn...
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Anya: Well, you're going to have to do better than that. I'd kill for him!
Willow: You would kill for a chocolate bar.
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Buffy: I think we need to get him some fresh blood.
Willow: Do you want me to kill Anya?
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Musical Anya
Anya: Clearly our number is a retro-pastiche that's never going to be a break-away pop hit.
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[In song]
Xander: Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
Anya: When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?
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Dawn: [excited] Oh my God! You'll never believe what happened at school today.
Buffy: Everybody started singing and dancing?
Dawn: [pauses, deflating] I gave birth to a pterodactyl.
Anya: Oh my God, did it sing?
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Anya's Wedding Vows: First attempt
Anya: [practicing her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but NOT to obey you, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who you do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?
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Anya's Wedding Vows; second attempt.
[Anya practices her wedding vows.]
Anya: I, Anya, promise to cherish you... Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, I promise to have sex with you whenever ... *I* want, and, uh...
[walking down off the platform]
Anya: uh, pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle...
Tara Maclay: Uh, sex poodle?
Anya: Yeah, why?
Tara Maclay: Um, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.
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Anya's Wedding Vows: She Finally Gets It
Anya: Okay. For the last time. 'I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because ... I love you and I'll always love you. And ... before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really... and I had seen what love could do to people, and it was ... hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and ... you knew me. You saw me, and it was this ... thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So, I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do.'
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Anya and Xander
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Anya: You know, this happens to be all your fault.
Xander: My fault?
Anya: You were unfaithful to Cordelia so I took on the guise of a twelfth-grader to tempt her with the Wish. When I lost my powers I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
Xander: Be still my heart. Oh wait, it is.
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Anya: Xander, you haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those processed food bricks. I don't know why.
Xander: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money. Take Anya nice places, buy pretty things.
Anya: That does make sense.
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Dawn: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: No, no, that's not it at all, they just need time to, um, be tender. Relax.
Anya: He's not very convincing is he?
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Xander: How could you say I'm using you?
Anya: You don't care about what I think, you don't ask about my day.
Xander: You really did turn into a real girl, didn't you?
Anya: See? You make jokes during my pain.
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Xander: What do you feel?
Anya: Upset, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry.
Xander: I meant about the house.
Anya: Oh, still haunted.
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Anya: She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Xander: Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.
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Xander: It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills and... stratagems... I'm very... help me out.
Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.
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Xander: Can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
Anya: It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will.
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Xander: Bad. Very very very bad. Bad.
Anya: He's still a little traumatized.
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Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
Xander: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them.
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Xander: [to Anya] I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just thought you might wanna know.
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