I wish I knew what to do

[Professor Walsh]

The hardest thing about working with teens, is being aware how much pain there is in the lives of so many of them without having the skills to sort out the ones who are hiding behind a façade from those who are just fine. I can handle having kids with issues in my class just fine, I've been around long enough to have seen things most of them can't imagine and am not easily shocked. Over the years I have worked as a teacher, I have had several pupils with confirmed problems. For some, I have been capable of being the teacher they need, for others, I have not. That is OK. I wish I could be the adult needed for them all, I'll admit that, but I know that it is utopic.

What I want to, and don't know how to do, is to be a teacher the students who constantly hide behind the "everything is fine" feel that they can approach when things are crumbling.

 

[Buffy Summers]

Maybe just be a good listener?

 

[Skanky Vamp]

I agree with the good listener. It's a precarious position as if you appear too attentive it can push them the other direction. I would say just be yourself. You cant 'expect' them to come to you for help.

And...
maybe one other thing, it might not behoove you to tell your students you are in the House of the Black Thorn and you are a big damn villain. That might scare some away!

 

[Washburne]

That is a problem for sure. It's easy to push to hard by trying to get contact. Frustrating as it is being "available" and a good listener is probably the best. Other than that, just what you do to all pupils, make them feel seen and treat them with respect. Which I'm confident you do but sadly for different reason can't be said about every teacher.

 

[GwenRaiden]

What about a suggestion box? Only for support instead. Not only would writing out what is bothering them help them, those who are struggling, but knowing that someone they can trust knows and has read it could lift a weight off their shoulders too. It could make their approaching you that bit easier too.

 

[Professor Walsh]

Ah, bless, it’s good that a gang like you lot is out there. I’m not this mopey all of the time, I just spent a little too long looking at anxiety/depression/eating disorder tags at tumblr. Add that to mental health being a topic in my science course just now, I suddenly feel hyper-aware of my shortcomings.

The point about coming across as a good listener is a very good one – and a hard one, given that I am prone to talking too much. I am working on it, and appreciate the reminder.

I agree with the good listener. It's a precarious position as if you appear too attentive it can push them the other direction. I would say just be yourself. You cant 'expect' them to come to you for help.

And...

maybe one other thing, it might not behoove you to tell your students you are in the House of the Black Thorn and you are a big damn villain. That might scare some away!

… or draw in the ones who think I’m such an old goody-two-shoes that I cannot possibly have any idea what they are going through. ;-)

What you write about pushing people away by being too intense is very true. Sometimes, I wish so intensely that I could save them all. It is easy to close my eyes to the fact that they need to do their own saving, should they decide that they need it. My role is only to offer a little support along the road. Also, I am not, and do not try to be, a therapist.

Other than that, just what you do to all pupils, make them feel seen and treat them with respect. Which I'm confident you do but sadly for different reason can't be said about every teacher.

I try, I really do. It is frighteningly easy for a pupil to become invisible. I do my best to make sure I learn something about them all, to make it easier to see the individuals rather than just the group.

 

[brinkster130]

I think Washburn makes a great point - being there and making sure all pupils feel respected and of worth is a key element to helping. It's so easy for people to fall through the cracks and that basically just reinforces all their negative feelings.

Little thinks like making sure everyone is noticed, a little hello while passing on campus and being just available to everyone will matter far more than you (General you) realize.

 

[Blaze]

This can be a bit of a struggle. Especially when you deal with a large amount of new students every year, it's easy to start seeing students as numbers (not that I think you would ever do that, but I see it so often, especially at the university level where I TA). I think for me, the important part is just to always be friendly, and to always treat my students with respect. I might not be able to help them on a personal level, but I can at least make sure that at school, they have a positive experience, at least when it comes to dealing with me.

It was quite a bit easier when I taught horse back riding lessons, because then we are not in a school setting, and people are more willing to open up. Because it is one on one, or with small groups, you really get to know your students (and we dealt with the children's aid society, they would send us lots of kids, so we really had a great diversity with our clientele, including students with problems at home, and/or mental or behavioral problem). Coaching is something that I miss a lot.

I think from the sound of it you're already doing a great job of being there for your students if they need your help. Of course sometimes we are not equipped to handle certain situations, but at least it sounds like you are a positive influence in your student's life, which is already a great beginning.

 

[GoSpuffy]

I volunteer with girls aged 15-18. Not the same as being a teacher but I'm involved in their lives as a role model and a mentor and an adult friend. I've been doing it for quite some while and I'm noticing a distinct trend of more and more of the kids in my group suffering from anxiety, depression and related disorders. I've been wondering if they're ending up with me because of word of mouth, if the level of anxiety in the age group is increasing expotentially, or if we're just doing a better job diagnosing problems in the schools. What ever it is I'm glad I grew up before life got so stressful.

 

[Athena]

The suggestion box is a great idea. Sometimes you want to say something, or admit something, but are worried about any repurcusions. An anonymous suggestion box takes away any stigma or pressure they may feel. Once it's "out", they may feel they can come to you to talk in more detail, it's that initial connection that is the hardest part.

I guess the only thing I can say, is be visible and open, which I know probably sounds silly, but I think kids see adults, but they don't see adults who are openly "there for them". Sometimes just a random conversation can turn into them opening up about a totally different subject.

Chatting to one of my cousins a few years back about bands we both liked, she got onto the subject of being bullied at school for liking punk/rock music, which was something no-one knew. She just came out with it completely randomly. Her parents were then able to contact the school and sort out the bullying issue and thankfully it stopped. She felt like she couldn't tell anyone and admits it just slipped out in conversation.

 

[bespangeled]

I've been a teacher, and run a home crisis center - so I hear you. Things that helped me; keep in mind that you aren't gonna be everyone's angel (and I say this without religion). It can really hurt to see someone you know is in pain, and let them own that pain even if they won't bring it to you. Part of their path is learning how to deal with it. All you can do is ask if there is anything you can do to help them. And let them know you do have faith in them, their ability to find their answer.

The kids who stayed here knew me well, but not all of them wanted to talk. They just needed a safe place to lick their wounds sometimes.

 

[Ethan Reigns]

One of the problems with being a teacher is that under the law (at least here in Canada and in a number of places in the US), a teacher is an automatic reporter meaning when a student brings up topics in his/her life like abuse at home, wanting to commit suicide or wanting to commit homicide, all discretion has been taken away and the teacher is forced under the law to disclose this to the school or police. If they see you as someone who abides by the law, they will assume you are not a safe person to talk to. And they will be right. Every student knows that once he becomes a person of interest to "the system", he can forget about any kind of future - this follows him throughout his life and there is no security of information. The permanent record can be an albatross around the student's neck forever and he knows it.

Students need a safe place to talk, meaning that there would be no disclosure to other people even if the law requires it. How are you with the idea of violating the automatic reporting laws in order to help your students?

 

[Athenerobyn]

Well I'm a teenager and personally the teachers who I talk to are the ones who act mean and relaxed in a nice way, like a best friend would. I honestly talk to those teachers as openly as I do to friends because I forget they're teachers sometimes lol 😉. So just relax and maybe tell them they can come to your room to eat their lunch with friends and talk,that's what people at my school do 🙂

 

[Joan the Vampire Slayer]

The hardest thing about working with teens, is being aware how much pain there is in the lives of so many of them without having the skills to sort out the ones who are hiding behind a façade from those who are just fine.

I can relate to this. I used to work with at-risk teens. It was really rough, but also incredibly rewarding. I miss them and wonder how they are doing all the time.

What I found was they often just wanted to be listened to and taken seriously. So many adults dismiss teens problems as a "phase", and it very well may be but it is hard to tell the difference. What teens think is the "end of the world", like a breakup, we know will soon pass, but saying that to them makes no difference. They can't, won't listen. They just want you to emphasize and not minimalize what they're going through.

I worked with young teens with some serious barriers. Many were young parents, school drop outs, felons or struggling with drug addiction - or all three. What was so hard for me was seeing them struggle with these grown-up issues, but then still having to deal with the challenges of growing up and all that comes with that.

I left social work to focus on my passion, theatre, but I really miss those kids. I worry about them and hope they're doing well, and remember the skills I taught them.

 

[Skanky Vamp]

I can relate to this. I used to work with at-risk teens. It was really rough, but also incredibly rewarding. I miss them and wonder how they are doing all the time.

That was the hardest part of me. It was difficult when they left. After spending so much time with them then suddenly they are gone and you will never hear from or about them again. That was difficult; wondering how they were doing.

 

[Joan the Vampire Slayer]

That was the hardest part of me. It was difficult when they left. After spending so much time with them then suddenly they are gone and you will never hear from or about them again. That was difficult; wondering how they were doing.

It is. I ran into one of my old clients a while back and he introduced me to his girlfriend as the "lady who saved my life."

When this kid was referred to me, he was 19 years-old, homeless, unemployed and depressed. After working with him for a year, I got him a job, into a program where he got a subsidized apartment, and in into a program in video editing. Now, a few years later, he has graduated from the program and is now working in video production, his dream job.

It's those stories that make it all worth it.

 

[Professor Walsh]

Every student knows that once he becomes a person of interest to "the system", he can forget about any kind of future - this follows him throughout his life and there is no security of information. The permanent record can be an albatross around the student's neck forever and he knows it.

Students need a safe place to talk, meaning that there would be no disclosure to other people even if the law requires it. How are you with the idea of violating the automatic reporting laws in order to help your students?

While I am bound to report certain things, the “forget any kind of future” scenario you are describing does not resemble what I have seen here. The question of how far I am willing to stretch the rules to allow a student to feel secure is nonetheless a good one – one I don’t know the answer to.

What I found was they often just wanted to be listened to and taken seriously. So many adults dismiss teens problems as a "phase", and it very well may be but it is hard to tell the difference. What teens think is the "end of the world", like a breakup, we know will soon pass, but saying that to them makes no difference. They can't, won't listen. They just want you to emphasize and not minimalize what they're going through.

Yes. I sometimes find that they respond well to hearing that I find it easier to be an adult, though. So many grown-ups keep telling these kids how they should savour every moment of their youth, how they have so much time and freedom, blah, blah. I want them to know that not every adult harps on about that.

I worked with young teens with some serious barriers. Many were young parents, school drop outs, felons or struggling with drug addiction - or all three. What was so hard for me was seeing them struggle with these grown-up issues, but then still having to deal with the challenges of growing up and all that comes with that.

I know. I had some long talks with pupil man some years ago, about how s/he was desperately trying to convince one of the parents to leave the other. That is not something a teen should need to worry about.

 

[Blaze]

While I am bound to report certain things, the “forget any kind of future” scenario you are describing does not resemble what I have seen here. The question of how far I am willing to stretch the rules to allow a student to feel secure is nonetheless a good one – one I don’t know the answer to.

This made me think of back when I was in highschool and my group of friends and I had one friend that was struggling with an eating disorder. We got so worried that we went and talked to the school counselor about it, and they assured us that her family would not be involved (because we told them her family was encouraging the behavior, mom was calling her fat etc. ). Well the first thing they did is contact her parents, call her in, and make a huge ordeal of it. Of course she knew we were responsible for it, and she never forgave us for speaking up. Her family completely ignored to issue aside from punishing her, the school didn't do shit about it, and our friend was no longer our friend. I get why the school had to legally contact the parents if they feared for her life, but it really just made the problem worst. (This girl ended up making a career as a dietitian, but to this day I have no clue if she got the help she needed).

Just goes to show how touchy some of those topics are, and the impact the way people react can have (again, not that I blame the school for following procedure, but in the end no one was helped by the system in place).

 

[Professor Walsh]

Your story, @Blaze , reminded me of a story of how I hope never to be seen handling anything, ever: When I was thirteen, my school counsellor picked me up from class for an unexpected chat. She asked me how I was doing, which was welcome, I wasn't doing too well due to circumstances I had no control over. At the time, I was still more a child than a teenager, whereas most of my friends were very much teens seen from my point of view. Also, the family situation was hard. I felt lost, and asking me how I was doing must have led to a veritable landslide of talking. I appreciated being given the chance.

Imagine my shock then, when I had spoken openly and with trust for a while, the woman in her fifties looked at me with a grave, over-sympathetic expression and told me that a group of girls (I quickly realized that she was talking of the little handful I viewed as my only friends) had come to her because they were worried that I was a lesbian.

Having grown up in a family where we often rubbed each other’s neck or touched someone briefly when passing by, I think I was out of sync with how I was supposed to act in secondary school. Being very much the child, still, I had touched the friends I thought I was close to the way I touched my family, and it had freaked them out. That’s fine, they were adolescents to. I still cringe at the way the counsellor handled it, though. I still find myself fearing other people’s interpretation when I consider placing a hand on somebody’s shoulder or giving a close colleague a hug before the summer break, even though I see others doing it frequently.

 

[Fuffy]

While the teachers might mean well when they report things that might be risky, they tend to do it in a way that does more harm that good, which causes students to hide behind 'I'm fine' and not say anything.

If your students will find you trustworthy, they are more likely to trust you.

I honestly talk to those teachers as openly as I do to friends because I forget they're teachers sometimes lol

Consider yourself lucky 🙂

I never had a teacher that I felt comfortable talking to openly.

This made me think of back when I was in highschool and my group of friends and I had one friend that was struggling with an eating disorder. We got so worried that we went and talked to the school counselor about it, and they assured us that her family would not be involved (because we told them her family was encouraging the behavior, mom was calling her fat etc. ). Well the first thing they did is contact her parents, call her in, and make a huge ordeal of it. Of course she knew we were responsible for it, and she never forgave us for speaking up. Her family completely ignored to issue aside from punishing her, the school didn't do shit about it, and our friend was no longer our friend. I get why the school had to legally contact the parents if they feared for her life, but it really just made the problem worst. (This girl ended up making a career as a dietitian, but to this day I have no clue if she got the help she needed).

Just goes to show how touchy some of those topics are, and the impact the way people react can have (again, not that I blame the school for following procedure, but in the end no one was helped by the system in place).

...and this is why you should tell things like this to someone you trust before telling them to someone in authority.