Is marriage an outdated concept?

[Fuffy Baith]

Is marriage an outdated concept? Maybe, but that depends on who you ask. I'm not a big fan of marriage, I've had no desire to get married myself. But that doesn't mean that it won't happen at some point.

The thought of being tied down to anything (a child, a partner, a pet, a plant) is absolutely terrifying to me.

It is terrifying! But I think if you find someone you love it can work out.

I'm also the type of person who once in love will gladly answer yes to staying with one person forever and all that comes with that. I just don't think I need to be married to do those things, but if down the line it's something important to my partner, I do see myself potentially getting married.

I agree with this. While I am scared of commitment, I also know that once I am committed, I am fully committed. I'm fine not getting married but if it's what my partner wants then I will do it. I don't think that marriage "certifies" a couple's relationship. There's plenty of marriages where the couple aren't happy and there are couples that aren't married that are perfectly happy. There's also nothing wrong with people that don't want any relationship at all.

 

[ILLYRIAN]

I'm not sure what you mean Fuffy Baith, I tend to think it is the first variation. When you state I've (you've) had no desire to get married myself did you mean I've (you've) had no desire to get married or I've no desire to get married to myself.

 

[Taake]

I'm not sure it's completely unrealisitc, those things you listed, about marriage. What I think is unrealistic is the expectations that seems to proliferate around marriage, i.e. that those things are going to be easier somehow because you're married. That's not realistic. Any kind of long-term relationship is obviously going to face a lot of different troubles, ring or no ring, but is marriage outdated? I don't think so. Should marriage be taken more seriously, yes, I do think so. It should be a serious committment.

Don't get me wrong, divorce is a good thing. I think it's Louis C.K who said that no good marriage ever ended in divorce, which is a good point. But if you ask me a high number of divorces don't speak so much about marriage being against our "primal nature" as it speaks maybe to a changing attitude to marriage and it's permanence. Is that me saying that a lot of people give up too quickly because we've become obsessed with constant happiness, kind of yeah... Not everyone obviously, that goes without saying.

As for why people get married there are lots of reason but at the core I'd wager that it's about wanting to share your life with someone. Could you do that without marriage? Certainly. But marriage does symbolize a certain unity/permanence still, it's a legal committment and thusly carries more weight than just being a significant other.

So in conclusion: yay - marriage. and also marry responsibly 😛

 

[November]

I have never wanted to get married. I never dreamed of wedding dresses as a girl and the need/want for a baby left me at 12 years old. It crossed my mind in the last few years as thats what I felt I was supposed to do. It was only quite recently that I realised how much anxiety I held over what I am "supposed" to do.

I was proposed to at the start of the year. I very quickly went from planning a traditional wedding in a farm setting, to planning on eloping after we moved to the city, to telling him I didnt want any of it at this stage. I need to get out of the city. He wants to stay (career). We're not "together" but have been partners for almost 6 years. Whilst a lot of training went into him, I have no fuss if he were to find someone more suitable. I always want him in my life but I do not want the role he expected me to take after moving to a villa. And sex just messes up my back at this stage. Not worth it, not needing it.

Many of the weddings I have been to in the last few years have been a show of Daddies / FIFO workers money. A chance to dress up the princess daughter/wife and parade her about before she loses her body to babies. I am dreading the next hens night, I got another invite today. Blugh. Last time I got spanked and thrown around like a rag doll by the stripper. I'd love to see one try now, I'd squash him. He scared me off 2 after that.

And whats with the white dresses? Does no one know what that symbolises? I thought we were in an age of "try before you buy", and sexual experience is worshipped.

 

[Anyanka Bunny Slayer]

If it weren't so easy to get divorced, marriage might seem more serious to me.

 

[white avenger]

Marriage is most certainly NOT an outdated concept. It may not be as trendy as it once was, and it may not necessarily be viewed by everyone as a lifelong commitment (why bother to work out your problems, when divorce is so easy?) The question of fidelity doesn't seem to be as big an issue nowadays as it once was, especially with celebrities openly discussing, and even bragging about, their affairs, and there is no longer any sort of stigma about two people living together or raising families outside the bonds of marriage. In general, our society doesn't condemn same sex marriages (I'm not sure about multiple party or "group" marriages, though I have no double that such things do exist).

There are those of us who do, and always will, recognize the institution of marriage as a commitment that begins with the intention of being of being a lifelong commitment, and as long as we feel that way, marriage will never be outdated.

Incidentally, though the majority of us consider marriage to be a religious institution, I once asked our minister if he would ever consider performing a marriage for a couple who did not have a marriage license, and he informed me that, even if he did, it would not be considered legal . From that, I gather that, while the marriage bond as we see it has its roots in religion, apparently we need the blessing of the State before we cam make a commitment "before God and all these present."

 

[Anyanka Bunny Slayer]

Marriage is most certainly NOT an outdated concept. It may not be as trendy as it once was, and it may not necessarily be viewed by everyone as a lifelong commitment (why bother to work out your problems, when divorce is so easy?) The question of fidelity doesn't seem to be as big an issue nowadays as it once was, especially with celebrities openly discussing, and even bragging about, their affairs, and there is no longer any sort of stigma about two people living together or raising families outside the bonds of marriage. In general, our society doesn't condemn same sex marriages (I'm not sure about multiple party or "group" marriages, though I have no double that such things do exist).

There are those of us who do, and always will, recognize the institution of marriage as a commitment that begins with the intention of being of being a lifelong commitment, and as long as we feel that way, marriage will never be outdated.

Incidentally, though the majority of us consider marriage to be a religious institution, I once asked our minister if he would ever consider performing a marriage for a couple who did not have a marriage license, and he informed me that, even if he did, it would not be considered legal . From that, I gather that, while the marriage bond as we see it has its roots in religion, apparently we need the blessing of the State before we cam make a commitment "before God and all these present."

After thoroughly reading your post, I sat back and thought, really thought, about why marriage gives me the heebie jeebies. Along with the sudden loss of freedom it imposes on one, there's this; I've never trusted anyone enough to be sure they wouldn't eventually leave me. That's something I hadn't thought about when I made the thread.

 

[Buffy Summers]

Marriage the piece of paper? Maybe outdated. Having a two parent stable household if you're going to raise children? Not outdated and sorely needed.

 

[Anyanka Bunny Slayer]

The question is, are human beings really meant to monogamous? Is it possible to have a "two parent stable house" and do away with the pledges of fidelity? Married couples have been cheating on each other for centuries...causing all sorts of drama and rage. Despite the declarations of love and faithfulness, many times people just get bored...and stray.
If "affairs" were considered a part of marriage, perhaps there'd be far less divorce...fewer unhappy households, less fighting, name-calling, and traumatising of the children. There'd just be two people who loved each other, occasionally slept with someone else, and kept their family together, happily.

 

[brinkster130]

The question is, are human beings really meant to monogamous? Is it possible to have a "two parent stable house" and do away with the pledges of fidelity? Married couples have been cheating on each other for centuries...causing all sorts of drama and rage. Despite the declarations of love and faithfulness, many times people just get bored...and stray.
If "affairs" were considered a part of marriage, perhaps there'd be far less divorce...fewer unhappy households, less fighting, name-calling, and traumatising of the children. There'd just be two people who loved each other, occasionally slept with someone else, and kept their family together, happily.

Honestly, I think there are just as many faithful long lasting relationships as there are relationships that deal with infidelity. It all comes down to the people involved, their specific needs, and (probably) most importantly communication.

Open marriages are a real thing that people do have. They happen because the people involved have the ability to be honest about their needs and expectations in their relationship. Obviously not everyone is cut out for that type of relationship but I've know people who were happily involved in that type of arrangement.

Maybe people just need to work on their communication skills.

 

[Blaze]

The question is, are human beings really meant to monogamous? Is it possible to have a "two parent stable house" and do away with the pledges of fidelity? Married couples have been cheating on each other for centuries...causing all sorts of drama and rage. Despite the declarations of love and faithfulness, many times people just get bored...and stray.
If "affairs" were considered a part of marriage, perhaps there'd be far less divorce...fewer unhappy households, less fighting, name-calling, and traumatising of the children. There'd just be two people who loved each other, occasionally slept with someone else, and kept their family together, happily.

Really agree with Brinks on this one, it's all about communication. I have a good friend who grew up in a household with essentially 3 parents. Her mom, her dad, and the girlfriend. Polygamous relationships can definitely work and be healthy. But there needs to be great communication and an understanding between all the parties, especially if kids are involved.

But in the end, it's up to the people in the relationship to decide, the problem is not enough people are honest. I'm sure many would rather be in a poly, or an open relationship, but they don't say anything and that's when it becomes a problem. Maybe serial cheaters are just not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. But you also have those who just fall out of love and instead of talking about it they remain with the person and have affairs.

On the other side, you have people like me who are about as monogamous as you can get. When I'm with someone I only have eyes for them, cheating has never even crossed my mind. I think everyone is on some kind of spectrum when it comes to monogamy.

 

[cryptwarmer]

Marriage is a legal contract. If you want or need what that contract states, then getting married isn't outdated.

For some it's a religious contract, and if you want or need what that contract states, then getting married isn't outdated.

It's a tradition and if the tradition is meaningful to you, it's not outdated.

I think that's basically what it boils down to. I don't enter contracts I don't want to be involved in and I don't enter contracts lightly.

I was married. I liked it. I'm glad I did it. That being said, several years post divorce I doubt I'll ever do it again. It was a good situation for raising a family in, but with the kids grown, I don't see any benefit to me making that kind of contract again.

the thing marriage ISN'T is about "love". the contract is there to say you're going to hold up your end no matter how you feel. If it was just about emotions the contract wouldn't be necessary.

I think that's the thing is people think it's about feeling warm fuzzies all the time, nice work if you can get it, but if that's all you want is to be saying to the world "Hey, look, we have warm fuzzies for each other!" there are simpler ways of doing it. PDA? Matching outfits? Schmoopy talk?

 

[GwenRaiden]

My parents married when they were 19. They were punks but I guess they are also old fashioned in the sense of wanting that sort of tradition. They're still together, a tough road along the way, but they see themselves as best friends, completely, so cheating or wanting to be apart isn't anything they'd ever want. They spend everyday together happily.

I've been engaged twice. Currently engaged. And honestly, I'm at the point where I don't know if I will even bother. Seems like such a hassle and cost. I guess I'd like to marry my other half to have the same name as my daughter (I always thought of baby names with my other half's surname to match). I guess I could just legally change my name and wear a wedding ring along with my engagement ring and she wouldn't know any better. 😀 In regards to my worser half, I can't get rid of him so I'm like, FINE I'LL MARRY YOU SHUT UP.

 

[thrasherpix]

My grandmother had many kids and was never married in her life (which she got a lot of crap over), and she did make some mistakes in youth that came from reckless naivete more than malice (though I can see why my mom, her daughter, holds a lot of bitterness over some of those mistakes, as do a few others, though to my knowledge Mom endured the worst), but she gave me a much better life that Mom and Dad even before the divorce. She was also more stable and independent than they were, too.

I learned the difference between fear and respect as I feared my parents but did not respect them (so even if I knowingly did wrong and was caught, my only regret was getting caught, not that I did what I did), and I was much less likely to misbehave with my grandmother because she was as fair as she could be and wasn't arbitrary or self-serving about it. Even the rare time I was whipped, I never doubted her love for me, and given that I looked up to her meant I didn't want to disappoint her or fail to be like her, so I misbehaved a lot less with her than when I lived with Mom & Dad. (That said, Granny did have experience on her side and she'd learned from her mistakes. She had raised my mother with a lot less wisdom and insight, something she readily admits and has a lot of regret over.)

Because of that, I don't think marriage really isn't needed (at least beyond laws that are the result of older, outdated laws already in place but still enforceable, and the state primarily got involved in marriage in the first place to enforce racial laws, and even to this day we have US states in which first cousins can legally marry and conceive children).

And on what I said about my favoring matrilinear descent (of surnames, etc), I have actual reasons for that, but there is also a personal reason: I was barely accepted by my father's side of the family (who never fully accepted my mother, Dad married her, I think, in part to be rebellious), and after the divorce they'd have nothing to do with me. It's my mother's side that will still take me in (however grudging it may be at times), and yet I still bear the last name of my father who barely acknowledges my existence and whose extended family I have no place in.

And divorce is not easy. Maybe if you're wealthy and can afford the lawyers, I don't know about cases like that. But the divorce of my own parents, and of the parents of those I knew, were years of misery for both sides (and that's just counting the parents, not the kids who get used in all sorts of cold, callous, and sometimes downright cruel ways, and unfit mothers often get custody just so they can get child support to use on their own addictions, which the courts don't check) before it's finalized. My dad says that after that divorce he'll never marry again and after all these years I believe him...and don't blame him. Though that said, he most definitely was not an innocent victim. Remembering that hellish time discourages me from ever getting married.

 

[Sternbeeere]

Well it depends on the concept of marriage, not all concepts are same and marriage served different functions through the ages: It was social security for women, it was a social bond, binding two families or clans together, a religious thing, or an exchange of advantages like money or a nobility title.
In my everyday life marriage does not seem to be outdated at all: My phd-colleague is married in my age and wishes to have kids. My colleagues at work are mostly married in my age. When we spoke about family in a class discussion our prof told us that the nuclear family 50ies style is still the social ideal and when I said no, because the position of the woman within the family has changed, everyone argued against me.
Personally, I am against marriage, not because it is generally or not outdated or not because I am not a devoted person, but because for me marriage is closely bound to state institutions, to regulations and expectations of how a marriage should be, what it is for and so on. I do not want my relationship be regulated by anyone, actually because I am a "love"-person with strong tendencies towards monogamy, and I want focus on the relationship not on having kids or getting adapted to certain gender role.

In my country if you arent married by my age you get of a bit of a look of pity and a "it'll happen" speech.

In Russia , where I stem from, if you are not married my age, which is 28, you are considered abnormal and when I am there on vocation and meet an older person, everyone is asking if I am not married yet and when I say no they look shocked.

 

[Priceless]

In Russia , where I stem from, if you are not married my age, which is 28, you are considered abnormal and when I am there on vocation and meet an older person, everyone is asking if I am not married yet and when I say no they look shocked.

I have a work colleague who was married at 24 and everone looked at him in amazement because he's so young 🙂 Nowadays in the UK it seems most people don't marry till their 30's, if ever, or that's my experience

 

[Sternbeeere]

I have a work colleague who was married at 24 and everone looked at him in amazement because he's so young 🙂 Nowadays in the UK it seems most people don't marry till their 30's, if ever, or that's my experience

Well in Russia 24 is normal, a childhood friend of mine is married and has kid already at 24, and he is educated, will become a doctor soon. Whereas in Germany it is more like in the UK, hence, thanks goodness, people do not ask me here, why I am not married. Yet, from what I see the popularity of marriage is on the rise in Germany nowdays again and the people who marry are getting younger.

 

[November]

I am the only one from my high school class who is not married and one of only 3 without children. Granted, it wasnt a huge class, but thats the attitude I am surrounded by, its what you are supposed to do to be deemed a success. Breeding gives you bonus success points.

That, to me, is an outdated concept.

I was recently out bush, and met a few people with total arseholes of drunken partners but "he doesnt hit me, why would i risk leaving him for one that does?"

I seem to be the only one who saw issue with this.

 

[Sternbeeere]

I am the only one from my high school class who is not married and one of only 3 without children. Granted, it wasnt a huge class, but thats the attitude I am surrounded by, its what you are supposed to do to be deemed a success. Breeding gives you bonus success points.

I am in a similar situation, although, many of my former classmates are not married yet, almost everyone out of the people I have regular contact with one way or the other is married. And really it seems to give them a lot of good reputation, regardless of anything else they are. Yesterday my dad called some people from Russia. Their youngest son married aged 25 and now has a kid. Upon hearing that, my dad became sad, that I do not have any of this. Also note, that the son in question is a neurosurgeon and his wife a doc likewise, but his mom did not even bother telling/bragging about that, only about the kid and the marriage, as if that defines the whole worth of a person.

 

[nightshade]

A lot of my classmates are with kids and not married or now divorced and with kids! There are a few that are both married and with kids or just married, and some without kids and not married but it does seem like most now have kids.