Overcoming shyness

[Abbeycat]

I don't know you well but reading this made me thought about a girl I'm working with at school. At the beginning of the year, it was really hard to stand her because she was so desperate to have friends she was kind of oppressive. I don't mean you are, let it be clear :tongue3:
What I mean is, that girl, she wanted friends so bad that she put a lot of pressure on us. She would say "I never made friends on my own, they were always my sister's friend". I always try to be the kindest possible with people, mostly when I know they are freaks like me, because I know I like to have people accepting my freakiness.
But this girl, she was too quick all over the place. She would always talk, talk, talk, complain, interrupting me when I was trying to say something, so that we would, you know, have a conversation instead of her having a monologue.
She would always say things like "You people are so into your lives you don't let other people come in, and whenever I ask people to go out they just say no, and do you want to go to the party? What do you mean you don't know yet? You might as well say you don't want to go with me! See, that's my point, I can't make friends, people just don't want to let me in" and she would go on and on and on like that. At some point (=after 3 days) a friend and I already had had enough, and we had to explain her that she didn't have the good attitude, that she just couldn't expect people to be friends with her after knowing her for 3 days, and that she had to stop to pressure people she just met into being her friend. We explained to her that we didn't get along together immediately, it took us months to have real closure, it tooks us encouraging each other at 3am when we still hadn't finished studying, it took us time, and we had to go through some things to get closer. We finally managed to make her understand she expected way too much from people. Like when she goes out, it is to make friends, without even passing by the acquaintance phase. She would consider it a lost day if she didn't manage to make herself friends.
I don't know if you also have that kind of desperate attitude, but generally speaking, I'd say someone is more likely to make friends without pressuring people.

First step: you chat
Second step: the person maybe becomes an acquaintance
Third step: the person either becomes a friend or stays an acquaintance.

And the most important is to let things evolve and never pressure anything, because this is bad, bad bad.

Tough, if you don't have to force anything, you do have to make yourself a bit important to people, you have to make them want to see you again.
The friends I made at the uni, I wouldn't be so friend with them if I hadn't never contacted them outside of the school sphere. It can be a thoughful sms when you know the person is a bit sad, or a "Have super fun 😀" when they told you they were going to a party and didn't know what to wear and you had a long discussion on what the person could wear. Those are little way to show interest.


SO, really, I'd say it's important to
x be yourself
x find patient and tolerant people who will accept you
x don't pressure them
x show interest
x do not fear rejection

I've made friends with my two co-workers. I'm not desperate, not like I was in middle school. I'm 26 now. But I do my best to ask questions to my co-workers and try to make conversation a little bit. Sometimes, I just think I'm boring.I wouldn't try to pressure anyone.

 

[Ms.Trick]

One of my best friends is very shy, and she went to a university where she didn't know anyone. She found someone who seemed nice and asked if she could sit with her. The girl was about as shy as she was, so she made the effort of asking questions about the girl.
My friend wasn't sure it was a good method, because she had the impression to be boring or that the girl would only answer out of politeness, or that she was being too pushy by asking questions. And the girl only seemed to answer the questions without really starting herself any conversation.
And my friend thought it was just going nowhere. But then, suddenly, the girl started talking too, not just answering questions, and I've heard she's quite a talkative girl once she's started.

So really, I don't think you are any boring 😀 And people generally like when other people are interested in them!

 

[Abbeycat]

One of my best friends is very shy, and she went to a university where she didn't know anyone. She found someone who seemed nice and asked if she could sit with her. The girl was about as shy as she was, so she made the effort of asking questions about the girl.
My friend wasn't sure it was a good method, because she had the impression to be boring or that the girl would only answer out of politeness, or that she was being too pushy by asking questions. And the girl only seemed to answer the questions without really starting herself any conversation.
And my friend thought it was just going nowhere. But then, suddenly, the girl started talking too, not just answering questions, and I've heard she's quite a talkative girl once she's started.

So really, I don't think you are any boring 😀 And people generally like when other people are interested in them!

I've noticed that/picked that up over some time (that people like when other people are interested in them.Like when people ask them questions about themselves and etc.

I know this co-worker who is very shy. Sometimes, I ask her questions to make conversation. Sometimes it's about work. Even some of the other coworkers will ask her questions. She talks a little than she use to but mostly only when someone is talking to her.

 

[Ollehh]

I'm very shy, however, I've gotten better since I started college last year, I made a group of friends who I talk to a lot. And I occasionally talk to a couple of other people in the class, but usually they have to start the conversation as I'm scared they'll think I'm boring or they'll be judgemental about what I say. It's why I prefer talking to adults, I know they won't judge me as harshly as people my own age. I think I got braver about approaching people in college because it's a completely new environment and there's new people around so I could start afresh.
In secondary school (or high school, if you're American), I used to be REALLY shy. It wasn't until my final year, year 11 (or 10th grade for Americans, I think), I started getting more outgoing, I guess it was because I knew I was going to be leaving soon and it didn't really matter what I did or said because I wouldn't see most of these people again. I was pretty much a loner for most of my secondary school days, I had a couple of friends, but that was it. However, a lot of people knew me, but I just never interacted with them. I wish I had since in the second half of year 11, I had some fun in History and made a couple new friends, which sucks since we only had a few weeks/months left.
Anyway, onto more recent times, I just got partnered up with a guy for a presentation on different countries film industry (we got Russia), and I've never spoken to him apart from the occasional "Excuse me" or "Thanks", so I'm not looking forward to that. And the worse thing is, I don't think he's going to be that bothered about doing this presentation, since he's very laid-back, and because I'm so shy I don't think I'll actually be able to shout at him to do some work.

Anyway, my advice to people is to just be yourself, I wish I had, I just kept to myself because I was frightened people wouldn't like my personality, but now I see, I don't have to pretend to be something else, or be quiet, I've met people who like me for me, which I'm so happy about.

 

[Doppelgang]

I'm very shy, however, I've gotten better since I started college last year, I made a group of friends who I talk to a lot. And I occasionally talk to a couple of other people in the class, but usually they have to start the conversation as I'm scared they'll think I'm boring or they'll be judgemental about what I say. It's why I prefer talking to adults, I know they won't judge me as harshly as people my own age. I think I got braver about approaching people in college because it's a completely new environment and there's new people around so I could start afresh.
In secondary school (or high school, if you're American), I used to be REALLY shy.

I went through a similar thing of shyness whilst at secondary school, and at college, but I started to overcome it when I went to university. I think its a natural experience that we have to go through. Now I don't get shy so much as I sometimes get anxious and nervous in specific situations, but that means I can deal with the specific situation rather than the nervousness or anxiousness, which helps a bit. for me an important experience was doing a presentation in front of the class, once i'd done this once, it started to seem like not quite such a big deal. But l still have times often when I get nervous and feel shy, I just try to deal with that specific circumstance, rather than thinking its going to apply in all other circumstances.

 

[Ollehh]

I went through a similar thing of shyness whilst at secondary school, and at college, but I started to overcome it when I went to university. I think its a natural experience that we have to go through. Now I don't get shy so much as I sometimes get anxious and nervous in specific situations, but that means I can deal with the specific situation rather than the nervousness or anxiousness, which helps a bit. for me an important experience was doing a presentation in front of the class, once i'd done this once, it started to seem like not quite such a big deal. But l still have times often when I get nervous and feel shy, I just try to deal with that specific circumstance, rather than thinking its going to apply in all other circumstances.

I agree with this, I've started getting more anxious during conversations, I'm always scared I'll say something and they'll take it the wrong way, or it'll come out stupid.
Also, I forgot to mention I did a presentation in front of my college class a few weeks ago, which also helped me to overcome my shyness. And my teacher said that I had a lot of confidence and I interacted with the audience (instead of staring at the floor or wall, or at the piece of paper I had in my hands, I actually looked at the class, although this was partly to do with my shyness, I tend to watch people's reactions a lot).
So, yes, that helped out a lot, I've progressed a lot since secondary school; I wouldn't even present a Powerpoint presentation to my English class in year 11, but now I can do a presentation in front of the whole class, which I'm very proud about.

 

[This Year's Girl]

Yay! I'm happy to see that this thread is active!

My problem with shyness isn't really about that I'm afraid of people judging me or that they won't like my opinions. I'm really confident about what I think and who I am. For me it's more about the shame of being alone, if that makes sense? I'll try to explain. I've fairly recently started at a programme at a university, and even though I talk to people I find it hard to get that connection where you naturally sit with them in class and walk up to them when you see them and talk to them. I make the effort in the beginning but then when something doesn't evolve right away I just retreat in to this sort of "loner by choice"-attitude where I talk to people but keep them at a distance. It's really stupid, I know, but as more and more time go by I just feel really dumb about not having made any close connections and get afraid people'll think I'm wierd if I try to start hanging out with them everytime we see each other, 'cause then they might think it's strange that I don't have anyone else to hang out with. Lol, this sounds really stupid just typing it, but it's hard to get past. Seeing people seeing me alone is my absolute worst feeling. It doesn't even happen that often but when it does it's horrible.

Also, I think it's interesting to think about how much the group size can make a difference. I tend to get shy when a lot of people are involved. When it's 1 - 3 people I'm fine and have no problem with talking, but when it's a larger group I get really quite. I don't know why that is really. Realisticly, when it's a larger group there should be a bigger chance that you find people that agree with you and want to talk to you, right?

 

[Ms.Trick]

I make the effort in the beginning but then when something doesn't evolve right away I just retreat in to this sort of "loner by choice"-attitude where I talk to people but keep them at a distance. It's really stupid, I know, but as more and more time go by I just feel really dumb about not having made any close connections and get afraid people'll think I'm wierd if I try to start hanging out with them everytime we see each other, 'cause then they might think it's strange that I don't have anyone else to hang out with. Lol, this sounds really stupid just typing it, but it's hard to get past. Seeing people seeing me alone is my absolute worst feeling. It doesn't even happen that often but when it does it's horrible.

I know exactly the feeling. It's the same time everytime I have exams. The group of people I hang with isn't not in the same room as I am during exams. Everytime, I'm anxious because I know I will have to work my social abilities.
In december last year, I asked a guy I was working with for school "Can you wait for me everyday so that there will be at least one person I know in the audience?" and he just said "Okay!". That was very lame of me to ask that but it worked.
Then the guy broke my heart so in June, I didn't really want to sit next to him. Fortunately, the names list had changed so one of my friends was with me.
Then this year, in december, I thought: "Both the boy and the girl stayed in the year below as they failed their exams". Then I thought some more "Okay. I do know many people in the audience, but they all know each other, I'm not going to just begin hanging with them before the exam like we were best buddies, right?" (because you know, there is always a long wait between the moment you arrive at the uni and the moment you get in the classroom to take your exam).

So the first day exam, I took my things with me to revise and just adopted my alone-wanna-look-cool-attitude, just standing against the wall, looking like I don't care if I'm alone while everybody is in a group. I was revising to not think too much about me being alone in the hall. Then a girl I know came to me and said "Hiii! So, ready?" then a few other girls I knew came along, and I thought "Yay!".

Then as we entered the room, I immediately jumped on a alone place, 'cause I forgot I was interracting, and the girl said to me "Oh, I can't sit next to you then!" and I was kind of puzzled, because I didn't take for granted she would want to sit next to me.

The other days, I found out people from my class were there too, so I sat with them once, then twice, then it became the habit for me to sit with them. We even went drinking when the exams were over!

I thought "It's amazing, I was so anxious with all my friends elsewhere, but those people are very nice too and we get along quite well and they don't question my sudden sitting-with-them!

And as much as I hate to admit, it may seem weird when someone as no one. But it is much more weird when the person had a lot of friends last year and are all alone now, while their friends are still in the school and everything. It makes you wonder "How come that person was friend with people and all of a sudden it's a big blub?"
But I do not really pay attention to it, I give the person a chance anyway.

I really do understand that feeling of not liking people seeing you being alone. I really hate it, and if it happens to you, just do like me: stand against the wall thinking very loud "I'm standing alone. SO WHAT?". It works. A bit 😀

And you know what's even worse than being seen alone? It's to be seen calling your friends, or saying goodbye or "hey, wait!" and see them just ran away, letting you wave your hand behing like a dork, IN PUBLIC. It happened to me many times, so I just don't bother saying goodbye anymore to some people, it avoids me some embarassement.

Also, I think it's interesting to think about how much the group size can make a difference. I tend to get shy when a lot of people are involved. When it's 1 - 3 people I'm fine and have no problem with talking, but when it's a larger group I get really quite. I don't know why that is really. Realisticly, when it's a larger group there should be a bigger chance that you find people that agree with you and want to talk to you, right?

I'm more the opposite, in a group I'm very talkative and laugh a lot but whenever I'm alone with a person of the group, I become softer, quieter, which is probably why every single time I'm alone with someone it's confidence time!

 

[Mazikeen]

Re:

Well, I wouldn't exactly call myself shy. I think I'm pretty outgoing in social situations. HOWEVER, if in the face of a man I find extremely attractive...I tend to forget how to conversate...or pretty much how to speak entirely. Eventually I get over it and find my tongue again...but it's ugly at first. Blushing, giggling...the whole 9 yards. But social interaction has never really been an issue. Especially when I've had a cocktail or two! Lol.

 

[Doppelgang]

(Zobothehobo):My biggest issue now is after you talk to someone a few times, how do you move from acquaintance to friend? How do you ask for your new friend's phone number? How do you ask them to hang out sometime over the weekend or something? I know how to talk to people now... but how do you make friends? I don't get that part.

I find it really difficult also going from casual acquaintance to friendship. I was trying to think of an answer to this question but I can't think of a good one. 😕

From my experience, whenever I get a bit closer to someone there tends to be an argument that develops and ruins the friendship, I know I have some issues of my own of trusting people etc... but I think sometimes it is also the other person to blame aswell. I try now to have an attitude of being happy as I am, and not feeling I am dependent on others, and then if I make friends as a result all the better, but if not then I just carry on as I am and try not to let it effect me too much.

 

[Marisa]

It is weird I never was shy before. I was very outgoing but now I keep to myself and I am kind of shy. I am not to bad now if I know the people. I guess it isn't so much shy as quiet.

 

[Christopher]

I'm really shy.

LOL JK I'm not- I've just grown to hate everybody. Seriously, I moved away from a place I'd lived 10 years because I never got left alone in peace. Remember that there is nothing wrong with shy people. I prefer their company to boisterous or gobby little shits that spend all their time trying to be noticed. Embrace your shyness.

 

[BuffyElevated]

I used to be a lot more shy than I am now. I was always overshadowed by the friends I had in high school, and I always thought no one would like me unless I was friends with those people. However when I went to college and made friends who loved me for me and not who I was friends with, I became a lot more outspoken and it felt great.

 

[zobothehobo]

I find it really difficult also going from casual acquaintance to friendship. I was trying to think of an answer to this question but I can't think of a good one. 😕

From my experience, whenever I get a bit closer to someone there tends to be an argument that develops and ruins the friendship, I know I have some issues of my own of trusting people etc... but I think sometimes it is also the other person to blame aswell. I try now to have an attitude of being happy as I am, and not feeling I am dependent on others, and then if I make friends as a result all the better, but if not then I just carry on as I am and try not to let it effect me too much.

When I get closer to people, I tend to get clingy... I am kind of dependent on the people in my life to make me feel good about myself. Well less so now.. .WAY less so now... But honestly, I haven't gotten to this point in a while. I don't really connect with anyone I meet IRL. I don't know where to find the people I would connect with...

 

[Christopher]

Zobo, I know this is not what you want to hear but maybe you need to spend a bit less time online? I don't presume to know anything about your life but you have the opposite problem to me- I'm hated by everyone online but loved by most people in reality while you're not popular in reality and absolutely adored online. If we could combine our powers and weaknesses then we'd both be socially acceptable in any situation 🙂

In all honesty though, you're not going to live the life you want if you don't get out there and interact with people. I understand how it can be scary though 🙁

 

[zobothehobo]

Zobo, I know this is not what you want to hear but maybe you need to spend a bit less time online? I don't presume to know anything about your life but you have the opposite problem to me- I'm hated by everyone online but loved by most people in reality while you're not popular in reality and absolutely adored online. If we could combine our powers and weaknesses then we'd both be socially acceptable in any situation 🙂

In all honesty though, you're not going to live the life you want if you don't get out there and interact with people. I understand how it can be scary though 🙁

The thing is I don't know what else to do. I mean I interact with people at school, but none of them are really all that interesting. I think it will get better when I try out for this role at the community theater in a couple weeks... I think I'm going to get it. If I do, I'll have a place to meet and interact with interesting people in real life and therefore spend less time online.

And I'm absolutely adored online? No... I have plenty of enemies online... actually I'm in a similar boat as you on another forum I'm on.

 

[BananaBuffy]

Something I've noticed is that many people I talk to online don't fit into normal society or just aren't very popular. I'm that way in my real life, I don't have that many friends. I just don't know how to act around people. And the people I go to school with can't seem to get past their first impression of me. I was so different in my first year of high school but unfortunately that sticks with you. I don't know, I'm just not that popular...mostly in school. In other places I'm actually surprisingly popular. 'Cause I'm more confident when I'm at places like drama or whatever.

I think the internet is a place where we can find acceptance. I've met so many people on the internet that I know are going to become real life friends one day. We all talk on skype or discuss plans for the future. I know it's sad that the majority of my life is online but it's where I've found the people I can relate to the most and that don't care about my strange-ness.

At this very moment I'm talking to one of my best friends (who I've only met online) about plans that involve her possibly going to university here in New Zealand and us getting an apartment together. Because we know this is a possibility.

I don't regret being shy and not having a life.

 

[caitaintdead]

I'm an online heavy person. I love chatting online and I love being able to discuss things with people of all different backgrounds and opinions. I also love being able to be social while lying in bed naked eating junk food without anyone seeing.

I guess part of the reason I love socialising on the internet is because I love socialising so much. I love chatting to people and meeting new friends.

I'm the kind of person that can go out with 1 person and then have 20 new friends by the end of the night. I feel totally at home when I'm at a party with people I don't know as long as they're reasonably friendly and not to judgemental or nasty.

I guess I might be an exception to the rule of 'online kids' as I definitely buck the stereotype. I'm not socially awkward, I'm not crazy smart and/or geeky, I'm not fat, I'm not unattractive. I just like talking Buffy, reading other peoples opinions and making new friends.

Although I do have a certain level of confidence I can very easily climb into my shell if I can't be bothered. I hate massive huge crowds like conferences and if there are to many people vying for attention I'm happy to sit back and let other people take over while I jump in every now and then with a (often sarcastic) comment.

 

[caitaintdead]

OccaQuokka agrees: You're very good at describing yourself! Spot on.

Seeing as how we have 'slept' together, she's talking from experience (sw)

No! I mean literally though.

 

[November]

Bahahaha too true! You crack me up. Totally do not fit the internet stereotype.

I'll probably get blasted for this but the best way I've found to make friends is to be a smoker. I've met soooo many friends from the 'smokers corner'. If that fails then a few drinks always loosens the lips 😛 Im sure there are healthier ways but thats just what works for me. (And I dont encourage people taking up smoking or drinking, just speaking of my experience)