Overcoming shyness

[Bexieh]

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bit of an outcast, in certain situations. Like, talking with a friend here tonight, I expressed to her that I sometimes feel like an outcast on these boards because I don't know that many people in the threads and because I haven't been a member as long as some of the rest of you guys have - so you guys really know each other and you're able to laugh and joke around and talk with each other. And you actually reply to what the other is saying, for me I feel like some of the things that I say go overlooked and when I'm really trying, I'm still being overlooked.

I don't think anyone on the board means for it to come across that way or means for it to happen, but I think it does or well rather I feel like it does. I don't know, I just feel like I have to try extra hard and when I feel like I'm trying - it's not happening and I can't figure it out. Natural progression has never been one of my strong suits.

I guess I just want to belong so bad that I'll take any type of attention whether it's good or bad and that's not necessarily a good thing. IDK...sorry for the word vomit.

I get why you feel like that. And I agree 100% with the posts before me! I mean I'm a newbie on here and I've been through the newbie period on other boards and it can seem like that sometimes even if the oldies of the board are trying hard to be as welcoming as hell. It's just something you go through as a newbie and the only way it can be overcome is by pushing through. I joined my first ever message board a year or so ago and knew no one, and it was so scary! But now some of the people from that board are like my online BFFs. So even if you have problems with waiting and the 'natural progression' of things, I can tell you it's well worth the wait! Just keep being yourself and you'll feel right at home on the boards in no time 🙂
And if breaking into the 'inner circle' of oldies seems difficult, why not give other newbies a shot too? We're in exactly the same boat as you 🙂 (Feel free to PM me if you wanna chat...about anything!)

 

[Christopher]

Just wanted to point out that Caitaintdead is posting so much stuff in here that makes sense, and I'm really gaining a lot of respect for her for it. You should really listen to her advice guys. Actually I might copy/paste some of it or a link to this thread to my girlfriends sister who has similar problems socialising to some of you.

 

[soulunsung]

I can assure you the people on this board listen to you and don't skip over your posts because you're new. If they skipped over everyone's posts because they're new... no one would ever become a part of this community.

And by the way, I've seen things you post, and I love your posts! You're one of my favorite Spuffies! I guess what I'm trying to say is the way you come to "belong" in a community online is to believe you belong. You belong here. I recognize your username when I see it... You just have to believe it now.

I get it and I understand, it's just sometimes I do sort of feel like a bit of an outcast with some things and some people. I don't really know how to explain it, like here's an example: I think I may have accidentally stepped on one of the board members toes with something I've said or a strong difference of opinion, and now it feels like this person goes out of their way to avoid me.That doesn't make me feel too incredibly good and I don't know what else to say or do, at this point.

I guess more than anything, I just feel a bit overwhelmed by everything here sometimes because you guys are able to articulate yourselves in such an eloquent way that sometimes I feel like what I have to say in response, won't match up or something and will leave me looking kinda dumbed down or something. That's a relative fear that I have.

Maybe I just hit this place at the wrong hours or something, I don't know. I like you quite a bit, because you really talk with me and you engage conversation and discussion. I feel like I can talk with you, whereas I feel like there are other's I just don't know how to approach yet. If that makes any sense.

caitaintdead: I totally understand how you feel around the boards. I'm not overly best buddies with everyone. I know there are a lot of people around here at the moment that have lots of private conversations and in jokes, but don't let it get you down!

The tight friendships on the boards come and go, but being able to have a good conversation about Buffy never does!

That's true, that last part. Very much. And that's essentially why I joined the board to meet a few friends, but ultimately to be able to discuss one of the things that I loved a great deal. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to feel like I belonged, like I had found a place where I could fit in - in my own little way. If that makes any sense.

I get why you feel like that. And I agree 100% with the posts before me! I mean I'm a newbie on here and I've been through the newbie period on other boards and it can seem like that sometimes even if the oldies of the board are trying hard to be as welcoming as hell. It's just something you go through as a newbie and the only way it can be overcome is by pushing through. I joined my first ever message board a year or so ago and knew no one, and it was so scary! But now some of the people from that board are like my online BFFs. So even if you have problems with waiting and the 'natural progression' of things, I can tell you it's well worth the wait! Just keep being yourself and you'll feel right at home on the boards in no time 🙂
And if breaking into the 'inner circle' of oldies seems difficult, why not give other newbies a shot too? We're in exactly the same boat as you 🙂 (Feel free to PM me if you wanna chat...about anything!)

That's why I'm slowly but surely trying to do, push through. I guess I've just been so down lately, that it's sort of been transferred a bit over there. I just don't know everyone yet and I already feel like I've stepped on a couple of the board members toes with my strong opinion or maybe run them off from talking with me, and I just don't like the idea of having done that. That's another thing that I'm kinda chastising myself about and dealing with. It's got my head in a spin.

Yeah, maybe I should do that. That last part, anyway. That sounds good. I do try and welcome them as best I can. At the end of the day, I'm just looking for a place to fit in, to make a few new friends, and to discuss something that I loved a lot.

Thanks, I might just do, you never know. 🙂

 

[Wishing Oceans]

Although I'm fairly shy in real life, I don't get how one can be "shy" on the internet, lol. I'm definitely not shy here! (sw) Then again, that could be because I know most of the people here and am quite secure.

As for irl, I wouldn't say that I'm shy with everyone: I can be quite outgoing with many strangers. There are just some people that make me uncomfortable, and when I'm uncomfortable... I get silent.

Of course, I used to be MUCH more shy. Get this, when I was seven... I started crying because some people were looking at me, LOL. Over time I got over whatever it was that made me so sensitive. It could have been that I had several major surgeries when I was really young, it could have been that I'm just a really sensitive person (lol), it could have been a lot of things; either way, I toughened up. A bit. I'm still pretty sensitive. 😛 I think that the important thing is remembering that really, who cares if someone doesn't like you, or if you mess up? Taking life too seriously never gets anyone anywhere. Sometimes you just have to laugh off your mistakes and be yourself. You know, have some fun. 🙂

I get it and I understand, it's just sometimes I do sort of feel like a bit of an outcast with some things and some people. I don't really know how to explain it, like here's an example: I think I may have accidentally stepped on one of the board members toes with something I've said or a strong difference of opinion, and now it feels like this person goes out of their way to avoid me.That doesn't make me feel too incredibly good and I don't know what else to say or do, at this point.

Honestly, that happens. It's happened to me before, probably several times before. 😛 I just tell myself that one, I'm probably just exaggerating. We're often our own worst enemies. And two, if they're going to start ignoring someone just because of a differing opinion, I don't want to be friends with them anyway. We can't please everyone.

I guess more than anything, I just feel a bit overwhelmed by everything here sometimes because you guys are able to articulate yourselves in such an eloquent way that sometimes I feel like what I have to say in response, won't match up or something and will leave me looking kinda dumbed down or something. That's a relative fear that I have.

I sometimes worry about that, too. Everyone here is older than me, so I'll often feel some extra pressure to prove to people that I'm capable of higher-level thinking. But the important thing is to be yourself: you might not sound like Einstein in every post, but why do you need to? You're here to have fun and get to know people, not for a job interview as a rocket scientist.

Maybe I just hit this place at the wrong hours or something, I don't know. I like you quite a bit, because you really talk with me and you engage conversation and discussion. I feel like I can talk with you, whereas I feel like there are other's I just don't know how to approach yet. If that makes any sense.

Technically this wasn't directed at me, but I'll respond anyway! I don't know you too well, but feel free to p.m. me.

As for engaging conversations, don't be afraid to make the first move. Whenever I see someone with good posts, I send them a p.m. to get to know them. 🙂 What's the worst that could happen?

That's true, that last part. Very much. And that's essentially why I joined the board to meet a few friends, but ultimately to be able to discuss one of the things that I loved a great deal. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to feel like I belonged, like I had found a place where I could fit in - in my own little way. If that makes any sense.

Hun, these things just take time. 🙂 Some people are ultra-outgoing and charismatic, so they'll make friends instantly; however, those people aren't usually on the net. 😉 The rest of us, the shyer people, we just have to take it slow. It'll happen eventually.

That's why I'm slowly but surely trying to do, push through. I guess I've just been so down lately, that it's sort of been transferred a bit over there. I just don't know everyone yet and I already feel like I've stepped on a couple of the board members toes with my strong opinion or maybe run them off from talking with me, and I just don't like the idea of having done that. That's another thing that I'm kinda chastising myself about and dealing with. It's got my head in a spin.

I'm not sure that you can ever know everyone - but believe me, you'll get to know a good amount of people. 🙂 I'd recommend starting in your Dorm! You're in Drogyn with me, yes? (On the Subject of Drogyn: if you want to talk about anything house related, p.m. me please! I'm the Drogyn Prefect, so I really want everyone to feel welcome in the house. 🙂 )

Yeah, maybe I should do that. That last part, anyway. That sounds good. I do try and welcome them as best I can. At the end of the day, I'm just looking for a place to fit in, to make a few new friends, and to discuss something that I loved a lot.

Thanks, I might just do, you never know. 🙂

I agree with Bexiah; most new people feel the same way, so you'll probably feel better if you get to know some newbies.

Good luck!

 

[soulunsung]

Honestly, that happens. It's happened to me before, probably several times before. I just tell myself that one, I'm probably just exaggerating. We're often our own worst enemies. And two, if they're going to start ignoring someone just because of a differing opinion, I don't want to be friends with them anyway. We can't please everyone.

This is true, but I guess that's where my insecurities get the best of me, though. And you're probably right, there is a bit of exaggeration in there somewhere or I'm being a bit paranoid.

But the important thing is to be yourself: you might not sound like Einstein in every post, but why do you need to? You're here to have fun and get to know people, not for a job interview as a rocket scientist.

This is sort of crazy for me, because I've always functioned on an "I want to sound smarter than I look," rationale. There's nothing rational about that. lol. It's probably a backhanded way of looking at things, but I want to a.) know what I'm talking about, b.) feel confident in what I'm talking about, and c.) look good while I'm doing it. Sometimes here, I feel like it won't come across that way, with all of the psycho-analogical discussions that go on and all of the psychology that's involved. People just sound so damn...smart. Smarter than me, anyway. lol.

I just don't want to look dumb, in short. But, you're right. What does it matter as long as I'm having fun in the conversation and I do guess that sometimes the most simple comment, can make a bigger splash than some long drawn out impressive paragraph.

Maybe I need to sort of remind myself that.

Technically this wasn't directed at me, but I'll respond anyway! I don't know you too well, but feel free to p.m. me.

As for engaging conversations, don't be afraid to make the first move. Whenever I see someone with good posts, I send them a p.m. to get to know them. What's the worst that could happen?

Oh, I will. That's something that's hard for me, anyway. It's like I'll feel like I'm bugging someone if I'm pm'ing them about this and that or ya know they'll think who is this crazy person pm'ing that I don't know. lol.

I've been spreading around the karma here and there in various threads, hoping that people will see that and will want to take that as my engaging them in conversation, but I guess I really need to step it up with pm'ing people here and there, as well.

Some people are ultra-outgoing and charismatic, so they'll make friends instantly; however, those people aren't usually on the net. The rest of us, the shyer people, we just have to take it slow.

Yeah, I know. I've met some really nice people so far and some of them have gone out of their way to engage in conversation and make me feel comfortable. So, it's been okay. But there are days, when I simply feel like an outcast. lol. It's weird. But, I'm taking it one day at a time and tackling it the best way I can.

I'm not sure that you can ever know everyone - but believe me, you'll get to know a good amount of people. I'd recommend starting in your Dorm! You're in Drogyn with me, yes? (On the Subject of Drogyn: if you want to talk about anything house related, p.m. me please! I'm the Drogyn Prefect, so I really want everyone to feel welcome in the house. )

Well, here's the thing, I'm in the Dorm with you guys but I'm still confused as to what to do there and how to go about getting involved over there. I mean, I'll pop in here and there, but it's like I'm just massively confused by everything and I don't know how to explain it.

I agree with Bexiah; most new people feel the same way, so you'll probably feel better if you get to know some newbies.

Good luck!

I'm gonna give that a go and see how far it gets me. Thanks. 🙂

 

[Washburne]

I really should read threads from when they are first started. I don't have the concentration to read all of this. So I guess I'll just have to concentrate on myself. Not that I have advice as such to come with.

I don't think I was shy as a kid. I don't think many kids are but somewhere it changed. I guess it comes down to how people treated me or at least how I thought they were treating me. I sure got my fair share of bad/mean comments coming my way. Some manage to ignore it but I couldn't. So it affected mebad. All coming from confidence or as in my case lack of it. Which lead to me avoiding new contacts and often keeping to the background when I was with people I didn't know or felt comfortable with. So in all it lead to shyness. I had a few friends here and there sometimes went to parties (never felt comfortable) but never went out. Hanging with friends could be fun but most of the time I prefered being with one at a time. If for nothing else that people didn't pretend to be someone else when which always happened when in groups. So I started to withdraw more and more to myself. Not like something like that helped with the shyness and every time I had to meet someone I hadn't met before I got nervous. Often very nervous. Had a few friends but drifted more and more apart. Some of them I didn't mind losing contact with since they truth me told were behaving like idiots and jerks.

When I moved away to start university. I knew no one at all. Can't say that I made a whole bunch of new friends but thanks to school I got a few. Still never went out partying or to school activities. I'm uptight and boring remember.😉 So I just didn't feel like spending time that people that competed to get as drunk as possible. I noticed though that among the rest of the people in class I could take charge or just take contact and support others. That lead to more confidence so with the right people I could be very open and friendly and people didn't believe me when I said that I was shy. First I thought they were just messing with me, probably due to the confidence thing but I realised that to them I didn't seem shy at all. With new people I often went back to being shy and rather let someone else do the talking.

I'm still working with my confidence and shyness but I'm getting better at handling it. Even if I still got a long way to go. I still hate big groups of people (go figure why I want to work in school with young kids) but I'm getting better at handling that too. Definitely about time considering my age. I've also more and more coming to peace with who I am which probably help. I am uptight too often, I am nerdy, more feminine than manly and so on. I won't try and be somebody else. If people don't like me for who I am they're probably not the people for me anyway. Not to say that I think I'm perfect because that's so very far from the truth. I could do with some changes. I just have accepted that this is what I am like for the moment.

I think shyness has a lot to do with confidence. In social situations. You don't have to be lacking in confidence when it comes to other things. Small steps are probably the way to go and help and support sure doesn't hurt. People saying it's "just" to get over yourself and do this or that hasn't really understood the problem. Just because one solution has helped some people it doesn't mean it'll work for you. But it doesn't either mean that it doesn't. You have to test and see what's best for you. And "failing" or not getting the result you wanted the first time doesn't mean it's a failure. You took the step to try and that's a good start.

This got long... And I don't think I actually said much that'll help but still there it is. Do with it what you want.

After all, the entire purpose of human nature is to keep the future of the human race alive and kicking, and sitting on your own, behind a computer is definitely not conclusive to that. Can you imagine the world if everyone just sat on their own behind a computer all the time? No hearing a childs laughter, or dancing the night away in front of a live band, and then we would slowly see the world crumble away.... Not a nice thought at all in my opinion 🙁

The world crumble away? That scenario wouldn't be good for human kind but considering that humans are destroying the world I'm not sure it would be so bad for the world itself if we ended the human race. 😉