Don't feel like saying why (it was many factors, including BB threads of late but those merely contributed to the primary cause) but I got to thinking hard about my death. Death itself does not scare me, but I expect dying to be very unpleasant (I envy Joyce's death in The Body, I hope I go like that, perhaps even about that age if a little older, though I'd like to skip the surgery and temporary insanity please 😉).
People generally think that those who lived good lives with good memories will find it easiest to let go, but I'd think they'd hate to lose their life more than someone who had a bad life (but then I don't believe in human-centric forms of justice shaping any existence after death). For all the bad I've endured, I've also enjoyed so much about my life and have people I love and care for deeply, and worry about, and though I fear the death of some of those people (even my own grandmother) more than myself, the thought does bother me. I know that my body will fight to live and that will fill me with panic. I'd like to die with dignity but I wonder if I can if I'm conscious for much of it (especially if I'm conscious for hours or longer as I die) while the parts of my brain that allow me self-control are shutting down or just being plain overwhelmed.
Though the fear that has been haunting me the most was remembering a time in which I had completely accepted I was going to die. I still didn't give up, but I really didn't expect to survive as I did. And I fear that when I die and my brain starts shutting down that I may start to think I'm at that really terrible time in my life again to relive it, perhaps believing this life I had was all a dream. I've always had a feeling that part of me DID die that day and my body (some astral shell of it anyway) is sort of still there on some ethereal level unseen by others, and now I'm fearing that when I die that I will again be in that other body experiencing what I did back then again, perhaps forgetting all that came after, and that is deeply disturbing.
I try to stay positive. There has been so many good, exciting moments, one in particular that I feel my dying body would smile if my life flashed before my eyes as I died. But it does scare me. I don't want to go back there. But of course that's the PROCESS of dying, not death itself.
Being in a coma also feels me with dread as I know some are somewhat conscious through them, but unable to move. Some remember nothing, other remember surreal dreams based on the people around their bedside as they lay in a coma, and in the worst cases a body might jerk and cry out, fighting to escape a prison within their own mind, but failing to, some never to reawaken.
