Haha, same here. We weren't friends for that long though (from 13 to 17 I think), and I didn't find out that I actually liked her *that* way until long after we stopped hanging out (she had gone and got herself a boyfriend, of course). It was a pretty intense crush and there's evidence it wasn't entirely one-sided, but nothing serious ever happened. Still I don't think I've ever been as jealous again as I was with her (and her with me vice versa, it's actually hilarious)... but she wasn't my first love.
My first love was, hello cliché, my gay friend. He wasn't "out" when we met and I think part of the reason he hung out with me as much as he did was a desperate last ditch attempt at denial, because that would at least explain the abundance of mixed signals. He'd always be extra flirty with me when other people were present so that all my friends were forever telling me that it was really obvious that he liked me, but when we were alone he couldn't have been more distant. It all makes sense in retrospect, but I grew up in a rural, Catholic area in the northwest of Germany and homosexuality just didn't exist for me (which, funnily enough, explains quite a lot of other things as well). The whole debacle went on for far too long... and the mixed signals explain why I didn't get over him faster, even though the extent to which I worshipped him even after he came out to me and produced a drop dead gorgeous boyfriend could be (and certainly was) considered pathetic by some people.
I recently found my diary from when I was 16... I was poster girl for Ze Angst, I wonder how my parents put up with me.
Gah, mixed signals! That can mess you up so bad! It's also the reason why I didn't get over the last one easily (and still have weak moments when I see him). He was really affectionate all the time, putting his head on my shoulder whenever he could, complimenting my style, my intelligence, my kindness and blablabla. Once he also put my hair behind my ears and looked at me and hugged me saying "It's been such a while!". Another time, he put his hand on my shoulder and embraced me, and when someone said "Got yourself a new girlfriend?", he said yes and tightened his embrace. I was too "What's happening?" to react.
He was also very protective. Once when a guy of my class kept saying there was such a sexual tension between us and my pink tighs were turning him on, I was telling him to fudge off but he kept saying things, so my *knight* put himself before me and said (quite menacently) "Back off!". It worked. Another time, he insisted in escorting me and waiting with me for my friends, because "you're a perv-magnet" (which is kind of true). I kind of got used to his protection. One time a guy was heavily hitting on me in the street, so I texted him and he was going to come to my rescue. I couldn't believe it. Me, asking for a guy to come and rescue me? That was
so not my kind!
Oh and there was that one time he carried my heavy bag (which had a pinguin on it, but he didn't seemed ashamed to wear a girl's pinguin bag).
And one time, in class, his gay bestfriend sent him a text to know why I wasn't wearing pink and asked if I was sad. My almost-knight showed me the sms and I said "Aaaaaawn :heart:" to his friend. The friend told me "I'm going to marry you, princess :heart: ". The look my almost-knight gave to him! Worst than Avada Kedavra mixed with rocket launcher.
There was also the Prom-thing, where he said he was going to buy his place tomorrow. I said "Cool, but it's not really any of my business, I'm not going". Then he said "But we had to go together!" "Really?Since when?". I didn't go. He didn't go either.
Then he met my mum in the street (he had never seen her, but she knew a lot of him. That was kind of embarassing to explain
how my mum knew he was. Later we were shopping, and he said "Seeing your mum habituates me for the future".
After the mummy-incident, I decided it was about time I asked him. "Soo. The way you act with me, is that because you like me, or I don't have to feel any special because of it?"
His answer? "Well...You're not like the others, you are great, smart, kind, funny, intelligent, open-minded, we immediately want to be nice with you, you make me smile, I can talk about anything to you without being afraid of being judged...But I'm just being polite, I'm like that with 98% of the girls".
Woosh.
There is no hard feelings between us tough. He broke my heart (and my self-esteem), but we still talk when we run into each other. He still say things like "Oh, you look adorable today" or "You're such a sweetie" but it doesn't really affect me anymore. I kind of thing "Compliments will lead you nowhere,
friend".
And if there is some chemistry with a guy, I stop assuming it means something. At best, we'll go out, at worst, we'll hang out, and that's about it! Apparently, signs can be wrong, no matter how obvious they seem.
That's why now I'm all for the eye-candy and more...reluctant to have anything more serious than that. Right now, having a boyfriend is the last of my desires, priorities, and expectations.
(Yeah, all that blabla to say "I hate mixes signals"!
😀)
