Today, I've done a little marathon starting at The Yoko Factor and I just finished Into the Woods. There were several times I saw Riley be the "I have to be in charge" guy. Two that come to mind: blowing up the crypt in Fool For Love and the whole episode of Listening to Fear.
As I've just watched the beginning of season 5... I really don't see how Buffy was that emotionally distant.
I think it's a variety of things. Riley was very expressive of his feelings for Buffy whereas Buffy didn't, or more importantly couldn't do the same. This would all be well and good if Buffy were typcially that sort of the person prior to this. At the point of the Replacement, Riley had no way of knowing one way or the other. Riley mistakenly thinks that Buffy wants a superhero for a boyfriend but part of his insecurity is generally being less than what he was. Does it bother Riley, that Buffy is stronger than him? Yes but as I've always said, that something that Riley may have adjusted to. It certainly wasn't the main focal point of the end of their relationship.
I didn't before so I figured watching it would refresh my memory but it just made me more convinced people exaggerate Buffy's emotional distance a whole lot. Like I've said before in this thread, I am a lot like Buffy. In times of crisis, I often hold out asking for emotional help because I don't want to admit it's so bad I need help. Also I do the "I can't start or I won't stop" thing a lot. It's obvious Buffy does both of those things, but I honestly don't think she cut Riley out all that much. I really can't help but be annoyed by his demands and request that she be a whiny little cry Buffy.
I don't think she meant to. Buffy had been shutting Riley out of her life, slowly but surely. Slaying is a huge part of her life but while she was happy to let him patrol when she wasn't there, she didn't want him around when she was slaying. Thier love making was more stress relief for Buffy than anything else. Buffy took Riley's support for granted and no matter what you're going through it's not the best thing you can do while in a relationship.
The problem is that Buffy saw Riley as another thing to take care of, which misses the point entirely. A couple should face problems together. If she shuts him out of her personal life and Slayer life then all you have is "Friends With Benefits".
I get bottling everything up inside isn't the best and I know I do it just like Buffy knows she does it. However, sometimes it's just who we are.
Yep, I've done that, and you know what? It doesn't work. I've seen things from both perspectives and so I know how it feels to be shut out and I know how scary it can be to let people in, but in a healthy relationship you have to learn to do that. If anything Buffy (and others who do this, and yes I'm including myself in this) should learn from that. A couple is stronger when they are
together.
How we cope with things in a crisis like that is just part of who we are. It's not about pushing others away or cutting ourselves off... it's about doing what's best for us in that moment. In a crisis like that, it's hard to look beyond the moment.
This is why I don't totally blame either one of them. Both of them dealt with the problems in different ways. Neither one of them meant to hurt the other and both of them are essentially good people. If Buffy had got to Riley in time, I would have liked to have seen what would have happened, because IMO, their relationship wasn't irreparable.
All you can do is hope that the people in your life will understand that and allow you to deal with things the best way you know how. If you ask for help, they should be there for you... and if you don't, you should know they're there if you need them.
The problem is, is that's only convenient for one person in the relationship. It's really best for everyone if you open up. It's scary, I know but it's better for both of them in the long run.
But it's no one's place but yours to tell you how to cope in a situation like that. When my father was diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago, he almost died. If they made the diagnosis a day later, it probably would have been too late. If someone had told me I was being too distant or shutting them out because I wasn't sharing what I was feeling at every moment in time, I probably would have punched them in the face and said "get the hell away from me right now." I don't blame Buffy for having the little bit of emotional distance she had. She was scared and honestly, it's hard to tell someone what you're feeling when you don't even know yourself.
I could go on ranting, but it probably wouldn't make much sense
No, I totally get it and I really understand how difficult it can be to open up when you're going through something like that, but the worst thing I did was try to cope alone. It felt like the thing to do at the time but it wasn't doing me or my relationships any good. I don't blame Buffy but wished she understood that Riley's explanation wasn't about blaming buffy either, it was trying to address how he felt. He admitted he was wrong for what he did, but Buffy unfortunately didn't hear that, she felt she was getting the blame.
Riley's analysis of what he thought Buffy needed was totally erroneous to say the least, but Xander's take on it was virtually spot on. Buffy had been holding back with Riley and if she did love him or see him as someone she could count on (and we're not saying she does or has to) then she shouldn't stand there pouting about how she's in the right because she could lose the best thing that happened to her. If she doesn't feel it however then let him go. That's what the ultimatum was really about. It's not admit I'm right or stay away, it was "Love me or let me go". She must have known she held back in her heart, otherwise she never would have run after him. In the end, it was tragic it wasn't as if Buffy's a bitch or Riley's a complete arse, they were too flawed individuals who didn't cope in the best way, but I totally understand both their perspectives, you know, having been there.
