Sounds wonderful. You have done so well, your vids are so great and I hope the best for you. I cannot be around certain people, the type who judge me as insane because my comfort zone is solitary. Those who believe a womans purpose is to WANT a husband and children and since those things are not at all appealing to me - I must be defective. I must need treatment to change because being a wife and mother is all they value a woman for. I found the company I was in while living in Perth to be excessively pushy with their personal values. That if I was like them, I would be "fixed". Even moving hundreds of kilometres did not stop some from deciding I must need company, that using my home as a free holiday space was doing me a favour. It has been really hard to cut those people out as they think me saying NO is mental illness or loneliness talking. Its actually authentically me talking but no one respects that. Even here people say they "worry" about a woman alone. I worry I will be sucked into a life I will hate (again). I know my boundaries are very weak, after a leech like relationships that drained my soul.
Sometimes this crosses my mind too. I have a genetic heart condition that I have given up seeking treatment for, I get blood clots and am at high risk of stroke, most of my movement disorders and cyclic vomiting issues have resolved since ceasing psych medication but I still get monthly migraines (as my mother did) and am at times, very physically unwell. I will no longer push through that stuff for the benefit of others. I did that for far too long. I ignore the knocks on the door if I am meditating so visitors know that I do not always answer. The only way people would know I have passed is if they smell my rotting corpse. When I was so sick in withdrawal I worried terribly about the bunnies, I even put extra water and biscuits and hay out for them when I was at my worst incase I did pass, I didn't want them to starve to death too.
Honesty I know I am traumatised by what happened, but I cant trust anyone (in real life) to help me through this because they push medical treatment on me and I am quite content with living within my bodies boundaries and have no desire to prolong life. What I do want, is to be as pain free and comfortable as I can until my time is up. The pressures of society disregard how I choose to live and then I put that pressure on myself, to be better because that's what humans are supposed to do. Ugh so complicated.
I want to learn to block out all of those modern pressures - even one I have mentioned already - getting a job. I know most work is beyond me and I know I am not useless in all ways but that is how social interaction makes me feel. Its best for me to avoid that and ignore the messages that promote community engagement.
